Not so Golden Girl

Getting older is one thing.  I'm looking forward to the day the Dummies all live together in one house. (We lovingly refer to this as the 'Golden Girls' House)   There are so many possible upsides ahead...but there seem to be some terrifying downsides.  For instance, WHEN did I start growing Ed Asner's nostril hair?  That is so wrong.

Does someone have a nose hair trimmer I can borrow? Or should I just walk around with tweezers in my purse?  Ew.

Love,
Katie

Dating 101

I've been out of the game for a while but as I was watching The Bachelor last night I realized that a couple of these young gals need a few pointers.

First up, Elyse.

Elyse had her first one on one date with Ben and as they sat down for dinner she started in on how she was "sick of being single".  She went on about how she just wants to find someone, anyone who wants to be with her.  HA!  Seriously?  "Nobody wants me" is about the least attractive thing you can say to someone.  Even gross guys will start to think they are better than you.  It's human nature.  Nobody wants to be the sucker who dates the loser that no one else wants.

Next, Emily.

Emily had some alone time with Ben at the rose ceremony and AGAIN, used these precious moments to talk about her nemesis Courtney (my fave, by the way.  She is the devil).  Well, again, it seems so obvious but you don't bad mouth the hottest girl in the house or you just look jealous and petty.  And you're wasting time.  Make out with him you big dummy.  For reasons I will never understand, Ben gave her a rose later.  Get your act together Emily.  I'm watching you.

Love,
Kristen

Don't sit now

Most days I devise a grandiose plan for what I will accomplish after the kids go to bed. Unfortunately for most days, there also comes a time in the evening when I know I'm going to be completely unproductive. It's happening right now. I sat down. With perpetual sleep deprivation, that is always a bad idea. It also adds to my insecurities, because I am convinced that every other Mom in America has boundless energy. (Fuck you, Kelly Ripa.) So I also won't be able to relax or fall asleep at a reasonable hour. Awesome.

Love,
Tiffany

Yay! Hoarders is on...feeling better about the dried ketchup dishes that are taunting me from the kitchen.

Is it live, or is it Memorex

Do you remember those commercials? They would have music playing and you didn't know if the band was actually there or it was a reproduction/recording due to the fact that memorex was an exact representation of the real thing.

Well, you tell me if you can tell the difference between the two pictures below.  One is human...one is an animated character and yet they look EXACTLY alike. Especially in body types:

Which one will be at the Oscars this year?

Love,

Katie

Ask Superdum: How low should I go?

Occasionally we will be answering questions from our readers.  It's good times because we love to boss people around and/or judge them.  So, please ask away!

Dear Superdum,

How sexy should a married lady dress for a girls night out?  I love getting dressed up and am in great shape but I don't want to send the wrong message to dudes.

Love,
M

Dear M,

I'm happy to say that I never have this problem as my style, even dressed up, is quite repelling to most men.  I'm going to leave this to the getters.

Love,
Kristen
 ________

Dear M,

My guess is that you are hot. Don't worry about sending the wrong message to men, they are men.  You could be in sweats with your hair in a chip clip and they would still get a boner. Dress for yourself. If you get that randy feeling inside when you look in the mirror, mission accomplished.

Love,
Katie
p.s. send pictures
---------------
Dear M,

Unless you plan on wearing a burka, at least a few men are going to get the wrong idea. When heading out the door in the most mundane of outfits (black turtleneck, jeans), my husband will ask me, "What's up with the hot sex outfit? Are you working on a sex farm today?" I always laugh and he repeatedly tells me that girls don't get it...it's not about what we wear. So wear what makes you feel happy and confident...you're really dressing for your girlfriends anyway.

Love,
Tiffany

Does half a Moore equal a whole (lot of crazy)?

(This photo was taken two weeks ago.  I'm salivating.  That body is my ultimate favorite)

Dum brought it to my attention that Demi Moore is on a solid diet of Diet Red Bull and Whip its.  I had to look up what a whip it was:

1. (N) Small canisters of compressed nitrous oxide intended for cooking and baking purposes, which are inhaled for a momentary high.

OHHHH I remember doing those!  They didn't make me darling or skinny and I never had a seizure because of them.  Also I hate red bull.  As much as I am in love with her emaciated body, there are some things I just can't do for the skinny (sorry Kyle).  I guess I'm going to have to stay fat.

Love,
Katie

Hot tip of the day

In spite of what my dermatologist says, I am convinced that tan people are healthier and happier than everyone else.  So I spray tan religiously during the spring and summer but sort of let it go in the winter months.  I mean no one sees anything but my face and hands so it seems a little over the top.  Anyway, we were having Friday Happy Hour Play Group (don't judge) and my friend walks in looking like she'd just returned from holiday (who says that?) all tan and glowy.  Turns out the source of the tan was this little piece of business.  The Tan Towel.  It does the face, neck and chest and even the arms and legs which is all you really need in the winter.  I don't know if it makes me "look good naked" (it doesn't) but it definitely makes me look better clothed.

Here's to my fake health and happiness!

Love,
Kristen

Dum and Dummer

I love New York.  Not simply in that broad statement but very specifically because it's riddled with people and things I love.  Chris & Christy Ewers, Jolie Sendrow, Gillian Patrick and last but not least Dummy and her other half.  I love staying & Spa-ing at Trump Soho, eating at The Crosby or Balthazaar and walking the Highline.  Sometimes you get the perfect storm of your favorite things colliding into one.  Once again, the only thing missing is Noodle. 

Thank you Dum for the amazing visit.  Thank you Donald for having your peeps make a great martini.

See you beyatches in VEGAS.

Love,
Katie

The dummies are going to Vegas

For some reason* when we are able to get together we usually end up in Las Vegas.  Or New York.  Well we have another trip on the books.  It should be a special one, with tickets to the Victor Ortiz fight.  Fancy dress (not in the English way) required.  As soon as my husband gave me the go ahead**, I texted the dums for details.  Here is what Katie texted back, "Yes, fancy dress for the fight.  That means leave the socks at home, no glasses.  And a touch of make up."  Fair enough.  I love to bring it Vegas style.  Everything I own with a sequin will be in that carry on.

Love,
Kristen

* Tiffany's husband
** Payback for man ski trip to Utah

The lesser of two evils

Everyone has a breaking point, and I finally reached mine. I’m done… had it with the whole process.  I’m talking about grooming the peekacho.  With 2 small children, there are times when my area's overgrowth resembles something from the 70s.  When that happens, it takes a shot of vodka and a Xanex just to make the call for a waxing appointment.  The only logical answer to my woe is laser hair removal… taking care of my lady business once and for all sounds like a gem of an idea.

My first appointment was Monday.  After arriving at the derm’s office, imagine my surprise when discovering that the performing doctor was in fact, a male.  I will be the first one to tell you that once you push a baby out of your hoo-ha, a lot of humility and modesty gets pushed out with it.  But this was too much.  Lying on a table wearing nothing but socks and a t-shirt while a guy asked me what “shape” I wanted was enough to make me long for a cocktail and an unapologetic Eastern European lady pouring hot wax on my goodies.

Love,

Tiffany

Mean but Skinny

In an effort to try to fit into this red dress, I've begun half starving myself.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I get cranky when I don't eat.  The dress might fit but I'm an uber bitch.  I think it's better to be slightly chubby and fun.

Can someone get me a cheeseburger? Thanks.

Love,

Katie

Outlaws

Recently I started letting my 8 and 6 year old daughters walk with a friend to their dance class after school. The idea being that I don't have to run back and forth so much on Wednesdays.  The thing is these kids are not natural "rule followers" and I don't trust them at all.  So I went the first time to observe them.  That first day they broke like eight rules during the walk as I screamed at them from my hiding place across the street.  "Stay in the crosswalk!!"  "No running!!"  "That's a driveway!  You have to stop and look!!"  "NO! You can't cut through the hardware store!!"  Since then I have been too stressed not to show up every Wednesday to make sure they make it safely to dance.  Totally defeats the purpose of letting them walk.

Love,
Kristen

One day you're in and ze next day you're out

Seal has just been told to clean up his work space.

So the lesson is this.  When a celebrity couple talks about how sexy they are together and renew their vows every year in front of their four kids and 500 of their best friends at a tropical locale costume party (sponsored by People)...it's doomed.  I honestly did not see this coming and I am as cynical as they come.

Love,
Kristen

Touchstones and iPhones

When you have five brothers and sisters, you tend to really connect with/understand one...maybe two.  In my case, my sister Amy and I speak in a shorthand all our own. There is not a time I can pinpoint when this started, all I can say is that she makes me laugh out loud every time.  One of our "things" is the Turd Report.  An example:

Thank God for her.  Another example of our back and forth is in regards to my anxiety attacks.  I have serious panic attacks, as in, emergency room kind of panic attacks.  Amy also went through a stage like this, and whenever I am having phantom symptoms, for instance, I'm sure I'm dying, I'll contact her.  We will painstakingly go through all of my symptoms and inevitably she will always end up saying, "Hmmmm...ok, so you ARE dying...bye, love you!  (pause)  Now what?"  Again, it makes me laugh every time:

If I were any more thankful for her, my head would pop off.

Love,
Katie

Someone needs to do this, part 2

I am intrigued by home staging.  Mostly because I'd like to get inside strangers homes and judge them.  So I've been doing a little research and am shocked by what is being passed as "staging".  Here are some examples of the end results.

Fake plant, blue accents.

Large sheet as duvet, blue accents.

Fake plant, rich gold accents.

No one cares about this nook at all.

I am no design expert but this is just depressing.  Is that chair hemorrhaging?

Again, I am too lazy and would probably end up going broke buying stuff so other peoples houses would sell faster but this market is wide open.  Get in there.

Love,
Kristen

When kids and auto correct collide

So my four year old got ahold of my phone and started texting Katie.

Just enough actual words to cause some concern.

Love,
Kristen

That was then...this is Wow

SuperDum roughly 2001

Things I remember about this night:

*Far too much tequila was consumed

*Noods sister-in-law lost her lunch

*Noods lost her lunch out of the cab window

*I left my luggage in the cab trunk

*Dum was the perfect loadie

Not a ton has changed except the positioning of our boobs.

Love,

Katie

p.s. Dums, feel free to brush up my memory.  What was the name of this joint?

Killer Carbs

Growing up in the midwest, we had some colorful weather.  Beautiful Autumns, hardcore winters, vibrant springs and brutal summers. With summer came storm season.  When I was little, I thought people were saying "Potato Warning."  Whenever the sirens would sound, I would run my scrawny ass body around the house shrieking "POTATO WARNING POTATO WARNING!"

To this day, my oldest brother simply addresses me as Potato Warning.

Love,

Katie

Happy birthday Kate

Wishing for you laughs, joy, fulfillment and inspiration this year.  And everything else you want.  So grateful and happy to have you in my life.  Love you so much I can't even be funny about it.

Love,
Kristen

I love DICK!

Dick Morgan M.D. 

July 21, 1934 - January 20, 2004

Things that you loved, that I still do:

*Kansas City Chiefs ( I still sit in your seats every year)
*Gin martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives
*Oysters on the half shell with spicy horseradish cocktail sauce
*BBQ Ribs
*"You Go To My Head" by Billie Holiday
*Balvenie Double Wood on the rocks
*Delicious Steak
*Going for drives

The list could go on and on. You made me feel loved, safe, fabulous and you were the best Dad to me.  I miss you!

Love,
Katie

A Day late and a 9 short

Last night I fell in love....watching the Bill Maher show. (Not that anyone cares and it doesn't matter being that I wouldn't be voting in this primary)  This isn't about politics, it's about honestly loving HIM.  Even Bill couldn't help but be dazzled.


 Herman was DARLING.  His easy, broad smile,  those white teeth, that relaxed ease to giggle.  My Lord.  I would have voted for that guy or at the very least not fought off any harassment in the workplace.

Bye Herman. Know that you would have had one vote in California.  Sigh.

Love,

Katie

Sometimes I like music

I like a quiet house.  It's so rare.  So I don't usually have music going.  Even in the car I mostly listen to the news (I don't care if you don't believe me) or nothing.  My husband, on the other hand, would like to keep music going in the house around the clock.  Drives me a little crazy.  But I am currently going through another Eric Hutchinson cycle and when this happens it's full on.  House, car.  Constant.  He's not new but if you don't know him yet, you're welcome.

Love,
Kristen

Well you can tell by the way I use my sock, part 2

I know this is pandering.  But, seriously.  What is going on here?

Love,

Kristen

P.S.  Kyle, I feel bad about the GG recap.  This is dedicated to you.

Spoiler Alert...

This movie had me at hello... hook, line and sinker.  Until the ending when dumb* Billy turned down a 12.5 million dollar offer from the Boston Red Sox.  If I am ever afforded the pleasure of giving the real-life Billy unsolicited advice, I will kindly whisper, "Hey... that's why your wife left you.  And it's also why you'll never get laid again."

Love,
Tiffany

*Dumb should always be spelled correctly... when you are actually, well, DUMB.

The Alternative? Well the alternative blows

With a birthday looming just around the corner, I pause to think...WOW I made it to FORTY....again.  I figure getting another year older is a whole new year to think about some new plastic surgeries.

YAY!

Love,

Katie

We have a winner

So my five Warby Parker eyeglass samples arrived on Monday.  I found a favorite (the Crosby) and wore them for most of the day.  My eight year old daughter said this to me.  "Is this your new look?"  Me, "I guess so.  What do you think?"  Her, "Kind of creepy."  Granted that is her new favorite word and overused but I liked the sentiment.  These frames are like giant clown glasses.  And that is totally what I'm going for.  I knew I had found the perfect pair when I texted Katie a pic and she texted back, "I hate them."

Love,

Kristen

My Favorite Things

1. The Dums
2. New York
3. Snow (sometimes)
4. Being skinny
5. Darling outfits

This picture captured almost all of those things. ( We are simply missing one Dum)  How is that picture even possible? That was on the street in Soho, the snow had JUST begun to fall. A nice construction worker snapped that shot for us.  I think he missed his calling. And then, of course, we had cocktails.  PERFECT. 

Love,

Katie

Dorthy Parker can party with me anytime.

 I love a martini, two at the most, after three I'm under the table, after four I'm under the host.   -Dorothy Parker

Last night, I was under the host under the table.  That worked out.

Love,

Katie

Here is the link for real

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/pink-cloud/id152143362

Love,

Katie

Prada, will you be my BFF?

Prada pays tribute to fast cars and fast women.  Well done.

Love,

Noods

You want me to put my what where?

Something fun you get to do when you turn forty is have a mammogram every year.  Or in my case a mammogram and a sonogram.  I got to do this today.  It's uncomfortable, Katie calls it midieval, but for me the worst part is waiting for the results.  As a semi-recovered hypochondriac it's especially grueling.

Back in my twenties I started getting overly pre-occupied with illness and every pain or lump would send me into a spiral of fear and ignorance.  One year at Christmas I received three self-diagnosis books as gifts.  And I was psyched.  For the most part the hypo is under control now (except for at 5am) but it comes out with a vengeance around mammogram time.  Sweating, panic praying.  It's so stressful.

I'm happy to report that all is well with my upper lady parts.  For those of you forties who haven't done it yet, I'm going to yell at you now.  Suck it up, get them checked.  If I have to do it, you have to do it.

Love,
Kristen

Golden Globes "Wrap Up" part 2

I usually make it a point to avoid all awards shows but I can't resist Ricky Gervais.  I can see that Hollywood feels a bit differently about him judging by all of the stink face in the audience.  They were pissed and not in the fun way.  When did everyone decide that the GG's were indeed NOT a party and instead a blow hard convention?  But let's talk about what really matters.  The fashion.

Lot's of belting.  I'm still on the fence, not sure it's flattering.

Two too many headbands.

What's up with Jessica Beils saggy third middle boob??

Did NOT like the shiny red satin old timey whore house number that Reese was trying to pull off.  Not one bit.  What's going on downstairs?

Keith's hair bummed me out as usual.

Now lets get to the important part. Angelina Jolie with the accent color, carry over the accent to the lipstick and satin clutch and dye to match shoes.  She didn't do the shoes but I can't imagine why.  And while we're at it where is Brad's red bow tie and cumberbun??  And your red rose bud wrist corsage?  I thought we had a theme going*.

Natalie Portman, let this be a warning to you.  I see that the accent color matches your clutch.  At least your lips aren't burgundy.  That's something.

Here's what I was digging.  Love all the plunging necklines.  Okay that might be it as far as trends I liked.

My fave look (and I'm quite lonely here) is Kristen Wiig.

Second is, strangely, Clare Daines.

Love,

Kristen

*I (circa 1987) could take her down in a dye to match face off.  Hi red accent color, meet my friend teal.