Monday, March 25, 2013

Say Yes To the Dress .....then File Papers

This show rivals The Bachelor in the ballpark of psychotic twenty-somethings who have no sense of self.

It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end as I listen to some child bride drawl " my ho life, i jus been waitin for this day!"

Really?  You had no other dreams or aspirations?

Then just as I'm about to get totally grossed out I remember that they probably have it right.  Get married at 23, divorced with darling kids and a stipend at 30 and start living!

Well done ladies.  Seems I'm the only dummy on the bus.


Friday, March 22, 2013

True words, Paris

I never thought I would say this but when I saw this quote from P. Hilton it all clicked.  I'm so onto my husband.

Grocery shopping:

Me:  What is this?  I meant normal cows milk when I said milk.


Me:  I didn't know that you didn't know that they need to wear pajamas.


Me:  Um, they are still dirty because when you put that cookie sheet in the water thing can't spin around.


Me:  Did you change our password again?  The lady at Chase is asking me what your favorite food is and I don't know if you said seafood or if you tried to throw off all the hackers again with something like "chinese"


Me:  Rags in with the towels?

Just kidding he's never done laundry.

I could never employ this method of avoidance because my self esteem is too wrapped up in my ability to do stupid stuff around the house.  But I respect it.  


Thursday, March 21, 2013

London Must Do

If you are in London anytime soon, do not miss The Light Show.
My friend Davie Johnston turned me on to it and it did not disappoint. There are some installations that eff with your mind.  I loved it.

This was super cool.  Made you feel like you were in a tunnel

Thank you Davie.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

WTF Wednesdays

What is going on here?  Vargas girl head on the body of a pre-pubescent scout with a penchant for S&M?  I don't even know how to process this.  It's like a perverse photoshop job.  Why does she need to be eighteen different gay stereotypes just because she's going to the GLAAD awards?


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Oh Kelly

What?  Did you think this was a picture from a photo shoot?  Ah, no this is a candid shot captured by a paparazzi who was absolutely not hired by Kelly Bensimon* to take pics of her by the hotel pool in Miami.  How could you even confuse that?  That look in her eyes?  It's not saying I will give you an extra fifty bucks to email these to TMZ as soon as we're done here.  It's saying should I put on spf 50 or is that going overboard?  I wonder what time my flight leaves on Sunday.  I should check.  After a nap.  What's that over there?  Just normal stuff!

Now I'm going to take it in a different direction because there is this.

Medically I cannot find any explanation for that.  I obviously wanted it to be a third nipple but it's unlikely.  In any case she doesn't seem to be bothered by it.  Anyone have any personal knowledge of or even textbook reference for that?


* I can just her that conversation. Him:  Nobody is going to want those pictures.  Her:  What if I show my third nipple?  Him:  Already seen it.  Her:  (Sigh) Just come, I will pay for your room at the Delano.

It Puts the Lotion On or it Gets the Hose Again

That phrase comes to mind when I worry about one of my great friends being chained to a radiator in a hole by her husband ( I hope she doesn't end up on Snapped), but it also comes to mind when I go get my spray tan from my new friend in Oklahoma.

The first time I went to Suntanz in Tulsa, I forgot my under garments.  Even in Los Angeles, I had a very special pair of undies I would don for a spray tan.  How and why I forgot them this particular time is a mystery.  I was understandably taken aback when I realized he was the tan artiste.

Him: I'll be doing your spray tan, are you okay with that?

Me: Tell me you are gay.

Him:  I'm SO gay, the owner "outs" me constantly

Me: Let's roll.

Needless to say, I do believe he is my favorite spray tanner EVER.  And when I was concerned about not being darling nude he said:

OH PLEASE! I just had to do a 70 year old woman mostly naked.

Thank God I'll never make it to 70. ( my friend might not either)


Saturday, March 16, 2013

There Are No Words...IT'S BACK

Dear GAWD!

I just saw a promo announcing that long boob, down syndrome smile is back for another season of Client List.



Someone create some programming.


p.s. what in the FUCK is that outfit???

Thursday, March 14, 2013

You Know You Are a Quitter When.... watch this.

If you are still tuning into this lipless wonder, pack it in, you are done with life.


It's Called Inspiration

Victor Clore of the Oklahoma Defenders

After a recent accidental viewing of my backside while trying on a pair of pants, I vowed to get back in shape.  This started with me buying and preparing fresh food, and eventually going back to the gym.

I used to love going to the gym.  In a sense, it was an addiction.  Then something happened....I got happy.  I count on being generally discontent and constantly looking for a better life to keep me thin and motivated.  The second I get cozy I become like a creepy disgusting cat....or Dolly.  I just eat tons of food, sleep better and longer and just hang out. (I know that sounds like depression, but it's actually the opposite for me)

ANYWAY, I finally signed up for my "one on one" training session at Lifetime, and I was assigned Victor.  Um, seriously?  My heart rate was at least a zone 1 (145) just standing next to him.  He is a friggin' God.  In my pathetic effort to not seem totally atrophied and cellulite riddled, I pushed as hard as I could.  He was not impressed and when I got home, I literally hit my knees at the porcelain alter.

I'm hellbent on redeeming myself.

Watch out Victor, I'll be back for another session after I regain some muscle in my sad sticks.

You'll be sorry.  Or wait, I will.


Monday, March 4, 2013


It used to seem like an awesome thing to be a vampire.  With the sex bombs on "True Blood", I would let Eric Northman "turn" me in a New York minute!  But while watching "Twilight Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2"... it really hit home that those vampires don't sleep.  The idea of the on and on-ness of it exhausted me. I mean come on, EVERY single day for all eternity with no shut eye?  That sounds like living hell.  The one I'm actually already in. (except for the not aging part)

These creatures need some Vambien. 

I love you Bill, Eric and Edward, but I love my sleep more.  Call me when you get your prescriptions. 


Saturday, March 2, 2013

Speaking of Canadian tuxedos

Sure, I think it's super dorky for a dude to wear head to toe denim (now that I'm not dating said dude) and I will be the first to heckle any of my man people if they do so but something weird happened to me this winter.  This became and remains my go to outfit.  Yes, it resembles prison garb!  I don't know what you want me to say I just keep putting this on and calling it a day.


Friday, March 1, 2013

You Didn't Have to Cut Me Off....or Maybe You Did

When i watch this video, I feel like I need to take a Shower. 

This happens for a number of reasons.

Firstly, it's because the only time I've ever watched it has been on the treadmill or the eliptical at Lifetime.(sweating profusely)   Secondly, because it used to remind me of a good it's just annoying.

Why does this video give me the creeps so much?  Is it the pasty ass foot at the beginning that pans up to the sparsley-haired leg?  Or the weird nipple shot?  What is it?  There are so many things,  I can't put my finger on just one. As if I didn't have enough reasons....when I searched google images of "Gotye you didn't have to cut me off" this came up:

Long and short, the video ruined the song for me.  I can't associate it with my friend anymore because of the creepy, pasty nipple, the bad teeth and the google image above.  Ugh.

I'm going to have to cut myself off from Gotye.  Let me know when you put some clothes on.



Speaking of sisters and the midwest

Once upon a time I dated a guy from Kansas who loved show tunes*and Canadian tuxedos (jeans with jean jacket).  He also was a midget in a giants body.  Anyhoo.  No one in my life was really pro this relationship.   He worked with my brother and there were a lot of mutual friends who all shook their heads and asked "Why, Kristen?  Why??"  It lasted about a year because when I was in my early twenties I would give anyone a year of my life, no questions asked.  But the thing I remember most about this relationship is my sister Megan's reaction to him.  She was maybe 13 at the time so her opinion didn't always get the respect it deserved but she nailed it when she said, "If we saw him on the street you would say, 'Megan, there's your boyfriend'".  Ouch.  For both of us.  But mostly him.


*to be fair he did have a really big voice