Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Name that tuna

(Left to Right: Rick Darwin, Erin Darwin, Dr. Rick Harris, Katie Morgan.  2000)

After Dum's dad's memorial we all gathered at her childhood home to reflect, visit and drink.  After a few cocktails were securely down our gullets, Dum's brother Rick looked at me and said, "Um.  I think it's probably time to retire the name 'Larry'."  Rick's childhood friend Dr. Harris was confused.  We explained that because of the spotty hair downstairs mix up was occasionally referred to as "Larry".  We tossed around a few other family names for my bits but Dr. Harris had the best suggestion when he said "Why not just get those three random hairs lasered off and call it 'Jean-Luc Picard' ?"  

I'm SO going to do it.  Although I think I will go with Telly for Telly Savalas. 
 Thank you Dr. Harris!


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Wait what?

She can't still be pregnant.  Is she pregnant again?  I don't understand.


Sequins for day

Hmm.  This is not a black or white issue for me.  Full disclosure I have a sweatshirt with sequins that I've rocked many daylight hours in.  I've always felt comfortable with that until I watched Dance Moms and noticed that most of those crazy birds are wearing sequins nonstop.  And then I look at J Love Hew (can we find a better celebrity name for her?).  Her outfits always bum me out but even apart from that bias this is so too fancy.  Maybe it's a matter of degrees?  I just don't know anymore.


Thanks for the note Jesus

This was the super uplifting message posted on Lake Avenue Church's little bulletin board.  Really?

Don't Waste Your Life.

Isn't that a little subjective?  How do you know what Baby Jesus would or would not view as a "waste"?

Here is my advice to the folks that think up the little slogans for this diddy:  THINK HARDER.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Drinking game!

When your whole funny awesome family is together, even if it's for a sad occasion, you come up with ways to pass the time between crying jags.  Here is one of the many we thought up and please change it up and make it yours.   We call this one "on my journey" and the idea is that at the end of every sentence spoken on the Bachelor we all say, "...on my journey" and take a sip of something bad for us.  It completes every sentence.  Everything makes more sense.  We get loaded.  Try it.


TLC called, they want their cast back.

Grief affects everyone differently and the loss of Larry Darwin is still shocking and surreal.

Dum, obviously, is the hardest hit of the Dums and yet, she is the only one who looks half normal/decent here.

How did Noodle and I turn into creepy looking people?  Noods, what is with the "bump-itz" look up top?  Why do my teeth look like Herman Munster's?  Weren't we drinking WHITE wine?  (and at Chili's no less )

Sorry Carol, it was supposed to be lunch.


Sunday, February 26, 2012


So my fellow dums are morphing into one person.  Their hair is exactly the same color.  They drive the same car, choose the same nail polish.  So gay.  (Sorry Kevin I know you would never.)  They share the same plastic surgeon.  It's so ridiculous having two friends that are the same person that I gave them a collective name.  The name is Barb.  Don't get me wrong.  Barb is the best friend(s) you could ever hope for.  They bring food and bev and hugs to your family in the CCU (wearing identical black and fuscia outfits).  They show up with funeral clothes for you to pick from since you only have sequins in your bag from Vegas and buying a funeral outfit is too depressing.  They bring Ambien and take you to Chili's for a mid day bottle of something gross.  They come to your house for the reception after the reception and light the place up with love and stories and everyone feels a little better.  Barb is the business.


Saturday, February 25, 2012

Where have all the Cowboys gone

After a brief respite, I made myself watch The Bachelor again.  He's down to his last bits and bobs. In this episode, he was meeting the parents.  The most alarming stars of this one were the folks responsible for spawning these damaged gals.  Let me break it down:

Review of the Dads:

1. Lindzi's Dad - Fail. No wonder she has no self esteem. You would give Lindzi away like a bitch in a litter.  Shemp is could you take him in and welcome him that easily?  You are a slut.

 (Look at this clown pandering to Shemp)

2. Kasey's Dad - Well done, dad. Shemp/Ben is gross.  I might try to make out with you because of your open disdain for him.

3. Nicky's Dad - Vanilla. I don't even have feedback.

4. Cortney's Dad - Bad argyle sweater.  Tried to pretend to ask the hard questions, but you clearly don't care.

Everyone makes me sick (except for Kasey's he shares my hatred for Shemp).

Seeing how sad these people are makes the loss of someone like Larry even more pronounced.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

My dad (disclaimer: not funny at all)

Vermont, 2008

When my dad was seven his father (a pilot) was killed in an airplane crash.  His mother contracted TB shortly after.  He moved eighteen times before he graduated high school, living with different family members. Can you imagine?  He had no role model.  He had zero stability.  Well.  My dad took everything he missed as a child and brought it to the table as a father.  He was home every single night.  He was in every day of my childhood and when I moved out he waited for me on the weekends and when I moved too far away for weekends he travelled to see me.  When I go home it's to the house that me and my brother and sister were raised in.  And we have begged them to sell it.  Seriously it's too much property, he was mowing 1/4 acre himself.  Anyway.  My point is that he was the best dad anyone could ask for without even considering the traumatic circumstances of his own childhood.  He passed away suddenly a week ago.  He is so so so missed.

Phoef  (aka Kristen)

Friday, February 17, 2012

Her Herbie is clearly fully loaded

You know I am a huge fan of the plastic surgery....but for the love of Baby Jesus!  Someone needs to find out what chop shop this hot mess was done!  This guy or gal should have their license pulled.

This is easily the most frightening thing I have ever seen. Did Fire Marshall Ed eat her top lip?

She looks like my mother after 3 facelifts and complete tooth loss and yet...she could have come out of my Va J J. 


Ass to mouth

(Disclaimer: This is not my dog.  My dog is actually gorgeous)

My dog Dolly is a little over 13 years old.  I've had her since she was 1 year.  She has never been forced to skip a meal and by all accounts would be considered "over-fed".  So, how is it that I will still see her in the garden rooting around for remnants of her own feces?  I can occasionally forgive her eating cat shit, but her very own poo?  Seriously? 

Don't kiss me with that mouth.


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Of all the places to stay in L.A....

Is it odd that the President of the United States, (just in case you forgot who that is, I am including a snapshot)

Barack,  thought it was the right thing to do to stay at the Beverly Hilton RIGHT on the heels of losing Whitney?

That just seems in poor taste.

There are far nicer places in Beverly Hills.  Show some reverence people.


What's up me?

The super-thin, super-snug head band has been a friend of mine for  a long time.  It generally gets thrown on day 2 or 3 of dirty hair:

It has always been met with a bit of a sneer from the love interest and sort of a dead pan face from Dum (I think Noods has always been okay with it).   Well, imagine my surprise when Dum sent me this:

FINALLY! Validation.  Thank you Louis Vuitton.  Thank you Dum.  Get excited about the headband!


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sexiest V Day EVER

Started with a parking ticket from this douchebag :

Came home to these (from myself 2 weeks ago):

And had a gourmet dinner for one of this:

 How jealous are you?


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy V Day Dums

To my Dums:

I love you guys. Thank you for making life brighter.


Mind Your Manners Monday Part 1

Today I will focus on the complete lack of manners at the gym.  No, I’m not talking etiquette… I don’t give a hoot which fork you use at the dinner table.  I’m talking simple politeness.  If you were raised by gorillas, with little human contact, please take note:

1  Smile - Why are you so fucking grouchy?  It's 70 and sunny in LA all the time.
2  You are an asshole if you hold up traffic and wait for the closest parking spot AT THE GYM.
3  Don’t guard the machines like a jealous girlfriend between sets.  Being possessive with a machine (much like being possessive with a boy) will not keep it from doing sets with another hot girl at a later time.
4  When you put the treadmill incline at 10 but hang on to the handlebar for dear life, the net is zero.  You’re not fooling anyone.
5  Do not paint the gym with your disgusting butt air.  As we are all sucking wind, swallowing your rotten eggs makes everyone grouchy.  (Oh, I guess that's why number 1 can be so difficult.)
6  If you are over 50, put on a towel in the locker room.  The aging process is depressing enough.  I don’t need a high definition reminder of how my boobs and ass are going to look in a few years. 
7  The gym is for working out.  The bars are for socializing.
8  Before you get in the pool, take off your bandaids.  Do you really think they’re going to make it through 40 laps?
9  Don’t hover over the toilet and splatter your pee pee all over the seat.  You are way more likely to catch a deadly disease from picking up the filthy hand weights that have never been cleaned than by placing your hamstrings on a toilet seat that is sanitized EVERYDAY.

Ahhhh.  That feels better.


Monday, February 13, 2012

Say WHAT?!

The love interest and I had a cocktail the other night at Peppone in Brentwood.  We go there often as it's generally easy to get a seat at the small bar, the food is delicious and the bartender Arturo rocks the casbah.  This particular visit had an odd twist.  A couple came in, she was very attractive...him average at best.  The body language was odd and he struck up conversation.  He whipped this out of a pocket:

He then proceeded to start talking about putting it on my downstairs mix up for the love interest to consume off of me.  Um, seriously freak? My dude doesn't need viagra A. and B. no one is putting weird stuff on Larry and lapping it up.   WTF?  I shuddered and we hot tailed it out of there. 

Of course, I took the sample.  One never knows.

Not until the next day did I realize that they must be SWINGERS!  He was getting my shag preferences. 

Apparently I would have been a hit in the 70's.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Vegas in progress


Smell my butt

When it's tub time at my house I usually get a WHY??  And I usually say it's because you don't smell very good.  So when my four year old asked me to smell his butt after his tub I wasn't surprised.  But (hehe), I demured.  I said I didn't feel like it.  I said I don't really like to smell butts.  He would not be swayed.  Four or five requests later I just looked at my watch and said I was really busy and didn't have time.  How am I doing?

Kristen aka supermom

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Girl Crush

After a trip, one of my favorite things is checking my DVR. There are always a few recorded delights to snuggle into the couch and watch.  One of my new favorites is The Good Wife.  Every character on this show is so sexy, I don't even know where to start.... but the women are dynamos.  Alicia Florrick is quiet, stormy, smart and complicated.

Diane Lockhart is sultry, feminine powerful and brilliant.

 Kalinda is completely independent, shut off, cunning, and can kiss anyone and everyone wants to kiss her.

I want to BE every single one of them without having to be a lawyer or working that hard.

Any suggestions?


Downton Abbey hit it list

I just feel like I owe it to any of you who watch this show to link you to Jenny at My Favorite and My Best as she runs down the characters and exactly how and who she would hit. (Hard.  Everyone).  Read it here.  I will stop linking to MFAMB when you all pledge to to read her blog daily.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Ask Superdum: what's up with Gisele?

Dear Superdum,

I don't really pay attention to this kind of thing, but I hear snippets.  What is the deal with Gisele?


Dear E,

If I'm hearing you correctly, you are referring to her being a mean, judgemental shrew.  Or are you referring to her being the perfect model, wife, mother and human?  Either one is a buzz kill.  In fact if I had to choose I would pick mean and judgemental over perfect.  Perfect is zero fun.  If she is nasty, we can sit by the pool at her mansion (no poison sunscreen), drink coconut water and bash the Patriots offense all day long.  I'll take that over her praying for me to breast feed my four year old.



Dear E,

Defending her man is one thing, but when you see the video of her saying,  "You played the best game of your life." She lost me.  She sounds like Marlee Matlin and she is wrong, dead wrong.  My understanding is that she is the modern day Yoko Ono.  Zero Superbowl wins since he started tapping that ass AND he posed for a Stetson ad.  There is no way that Brady in his right mind thought he should do this:  

Naked in a shearling? That is just embarrassing.  Far worse than losing the Superbowl.


Dear E,

Tom Brady is a professional athlete who happens to be gorgeous, offensively wealthy and married to the highest paid supermodel in the world.  In other words, eff him a little.  Let Eli have his victory.  He finally went to sleep thinking, "My Dad loves me too."


Note to Gisele:  You're so right.  Tom's 1st quarter safety should have cinched the game for the Patriots.  

What is that stink?

You know I'm usually a huge fan of Trader Joe's anything.  Tonight I stumbled across something that really let me down:

I just made one of these Swordfish steaks.  It reeks.  I'm in a quandry about how to get rid of the stink.  I took a bite and gave the whole thing to Dolly....sorry Dolly.

TJ's you have my heart, but you can keep your fishy fish. Sick.


Well well well what do we have here?

shoes:  hussein chalayan

Look what the UPS man delivered yesterday.  It's like my two favorite types of footwear (flip flops and booties) made sweet love and had a shoe baby. But it goes beyond that.  With the full coverage up top and full exposure downtown, these shoes perfectly embody my love of compromise dressing.  Not at all comfortable in dead sexy outfits I often go with party on the top and business down below.  Or vice versa.  If too much skin sneaks out on the bottom half of me, you can be sure I will button up and then pop the glasses on for good measure.

Now when I tell you that they were free it's not to imply that I could put a price on perfection.  It's just to give a shove to those of you who may be on the fence about them (if you are on the fence don't tell me I will be upset).  They are giving them away at YOOX for $115.  Oops, they sold out but YOOX still has some left in beige suede for $175.

I love you mullet shoes.


I know my toes are barely hanging on there.  Don't even bother with that comment.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Do you swallow?

As long as we're going for gag reflex...

There are a couple of "ladies" who decided to take on Fear Factor and drink donkey semen.  There has been so much outrage about it that they had to nix the episode.  Really?  Americans are such prudes.  

One of them said, "If you vomited, you would have to start over.  I ended up just vomiting in my glass and drank that."

I win.  


Christina, I've been there

I wanted to do a gross post because today became Trash Talk Tuesday and we are focusing on things that makes us vom a little.  For Katie it was Ben and then those toes.  This pic gave me a legitimate shudder so it qualifies.  However, full disclosure, I have had my fake tan run down my own stems on occasion.  That's all I'm going to say except I'm sorry you had to read that.


Washed Up Harem Toe (syndrome akin to Turf Toe)

Ladies when you get a pedicure, please do not get a french pedicure.  Sick.  These feet are the most disgusting things I've ever seen.  And I'm not discounting the gross foot on the right.  Those nine inch nails are enough to make me vomit in my mouth AGAIN. Cut your toenails people. They are not meant to extend beyond your flesh.

No flip flops in the world can fix this. Not even if they're Chanel, no especially if they're Chanel.  And speaking of Chanel flip flops, seriously?  Seriously?  Ew. This talon-toed pork chop needs to bring it down a few notches.  Your sexy days are over.  The witch feet aren't going to help.



I couldn't even think of a clever headliner.

After reading this,  I thought it wise to tune into the Bachelor.  When I saw Kasey talking about being bulimic to this greasy faced, Shemp-haired groder, I couldn't understand where the Bachelor was.  Why was some random CVS stock boy on camera?  Who was this guy she was emotionally vomiting on?  (p.s. Kasey, start throwing up again if you are going to wear that black dress again)  Sorry, I digress.

THIS is what these women are vying for?  Are they all brain damaged? Or are they just damaged? The bar couldn't get any lower.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Destination Divorce part deux

Not an hour after I posted the first Destination Divorce, I was stopped on the street by this man:

Seriously?  He was just leaving.  As I started to believe that I most certainly wouldn't see him again, he reappeared:



Friday, February 3, 2012

You need to respect me as an artist

When our family was living in London we went from a fully furnished rental to an unfurnished rental and that is when I started thinking about painting.  We needed something on the walls but had nothing in the budget for art and so my painting career began.  I like crazy stuff that looks like nothing and that works for me because I can paint stuff that looks like nothing, no problem.  So I bought canvases, paints, brushes and started to say things to my husband like, I wish you could just be supportive of my art.  He would squeeze-close his eyes for a full four seconds (trying to suppress an eye roll), breathe deep and then say "I fully support you and your art."  Meanwhile, I never considered myself an artist but the fact that it upset him so much made me laugh and strangely motivated me.  Lots and lots of paintings later he says this "I would never buy any of them but I love them all."

So, he's come around.  And I've let him name them all.  One is called "Triple Nipple".  Another is called "My life is perfect and yet I cry."  

I'm going to submit them for a local art show.  80% because my friend Suzanne told me to, 20% to upset my husband.


Destination Divorce

One of my friends is recently divorced. As in it was official less than 24 hours ago.  We are currently on an annual girls trip in Snowmass.  Ladies, if you get divorced....come to Snowmass.  There are darling men everywhere you turn.  This is my "boot boyfriend" Matt.

They all flirt, they are all manly and they are all fit.



Thursday, February 2, 2012

Toddlers and Tiaras: luckiest babies in the world

I watch a lot of reality tv and I think it's all gross and stunts and I love it anyway.  But I stumbled on this show the other night and it really spoke to me.  Has anyone seen this?  It's about babies who convince their parents to let them do pageants.  And so these parents, because they only care about their babies happiness, sacrifice everything so that these kids can fulfill their dreams of winning Grand Supreme.  And then all these kids do is cry and whine and act like they'd rather be home watching Sprout.  So ungrateful!  They have no idea how lucky they are and I feel like they could use some straight talk.  This is going to seem harsh but they can't be coddled forever.

Sami Jo (18 months)

Sami Jo, I know you are a baby.  Yeah, I get it.  But seriously what is with the crawling on the floor during Beauty? Why do you want to punish your mother like that?  All she does is love you.  And by the way, your mom was right.  You were "horrible" at Beauty.  If that stings, I hope it just motivates you.  We all know what you can be if you just apply yourself.

Alexis (4 years)

Alexis, I didn't notice until your mom pointed it out but you do have "really small and closed eyes" so suck it up and wear those fake lashes.  However, I love that hot dogs are your favorite food.  They are mine as well and so you are my Grand Supreme favorite so far!

Sami Jo

Ugh.  Sami Jo you were such a bitch after Beauty.  Can you not go one day without a morning and afternoon nap?  Thank God your mom had some "special juice" (Red Bull and whip its) to get you pumped for Fancy Wear.  Alas, you didn't do any of your "moves".  WTF Sami Jo?  You are really going to have to bring it for Talent.  (Didn't).


Hmm.  Alexis, I don't know about your "Cleo Patrick" portrayal for Fancy Wear.  Having your "slabes" carry you out on a daybed made me uncomfortable.  That being said, your robot during Talent was legit.

Girls!  Yes, this is a tough business.  But it's the choice you made.  So when you feel like you couldn't possibly take one more sip of Mountain Dew and all you want is your Nuk and blankie, keep in mind my motto:  try harder, run faster, be better at everything.  Your parents deserve it.


I can eat 50 eggs!

Dum and Noods are big proponents of protein immediately out of bed.  As someone that despises the breakfast experience, I have to force feed myself 2 hard boiled eggs.

(yes, that is last night's make up)

The thing that makes this possible at all ( as I do not cook or boil water), are the Fresh Hard-Cooked Peeled eggs by TJ's.

You can literally pop them out of the bag, give them a quick rinse and pop em in your gob.  (And they keep! )  Still... trying for force feed myself in the morning always makes me think of this sexy man.

If Cool Hand Luke can eat 50, I should be able to slide 2 down my gullet. Thanks for the inspiration!


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Vick's picks

One of the reasons I love my friend Vicki's style is that it validates my own.  She worked in the fashion industry for years (for Ralph Lauren Purple Label, ETRO, Chloe...) so when we end up wearing almost identical outfits I'm like "Yes!  I knew this was cute!"  Now as a mother of two she helps people fine tune their wardrobes as Vicki Cohen - Style Hunter.  I asked her to give me her list of must haves for every closet.  This reads exactly like my own list but it has credibility because Vicki wrote it and she is a bonafide expert.

The Lady Pieces
Navy blazer
White button down shirt
Pencil skirt
Black suit/tuxedo jacket
Ballet flat
Black high heel pump
Wide legged trouser
Knee high riding boot
Tailored wool coat
Colorful clutch

The Everyday Basics
Skinny jeans
Flared jeans
Motorcycle jacket
Ankle boots
Loose fitting white tees
Swingy crew neck sweater
Pottery Barn Kids backpack Big statement bag

I am adding to this a Breton striped shirt, a grandpa cardigan and Converse.

Thanks Vicki!  Keep on bringing it as the most stylish mom at pick up!