Saturday, December 31, 2011

Later 2011

Thanks to everyone who has checked out our blog baby this month.  3000 views!  We are going to BRING IT in 2012 so keep watching... (Katie has an eye surgery post you have to stay tuned for.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, maybe throw up a little in your mouth.)


At the end of 2012, who will be on the end of this KISS rock tongue?

As I've finished the last of the amazing Cabernet that Ted gave me for NYE, I am reflecting on the whole of 2011.  As I look back , I'm having a giggle, but wondering if a single "resolution" or wish had been truly fulfilled.  Do we set the bar too high?  Perhaps I should throw some out for 2012, and you can tell me if I am retarded.

In 2012, I would love:

*To be with a sexy man 53-68 yrs (that adores me and I him)
*Has kids already/Doesn't want children
*Loves to travel the world
  - Via Citation or Gulf Stream (Domestic)
  - Via First Class/Business Class (International)
*Loves to take me shoe shopping/Loves to give me his CC to go shoe shopping with friends
*Loves when I take trips with my girlfriends

2. To be completely and fabulously fit
3. To be booked as a series regular on any Seth Macfarlane cartoon
4. To be booked as a series regular on "The Good Wife"
5. To be giddy in life
6. To win the Super Lotto jackpot

That is all I can come up with at the moment.  Honestly, I don't think I'm asking for enough.  Methinks some would say I ask for too much.

What do you think?


Match your What? (I had to change "that" word for some Victorian sensibilities)

It has recently come to my attention that ladies are actually "styling" their bits.  A few things alarm me about this.

First off, when did it become "en Vogue" again to have a 70's bush? Secondly, who do you suppose was the first person to say, "Could you save a little of that 'Auburn 407 for my downstairs mix-up?' "

If I were to try to match My Va J J, we lovingly call Larry( because when a wax is needed it resembles my girlfriend's Dad's balding head), I would look like Sinead O'Connor before she gained 300lbs and grew hair.

Ladies, this is an alarming trend I can NOT get behind...or for that matter, in front of.  Please go get your junk waxed straight away, and save the bleach or color for the glorious hair on your head.

Thanks in advance,


Well played

I think my husband just discovered a new weapon in domestic warfare.  Sonos.  When Feliz Navidad started blasting in the bathroom last night as I was indulging in my bi-weekly shower I almost sprang out to scream at him.  But then I thought that's exactly what he wants so instead when he asked how my shower was I was like, "Fun!  So festive."  Winning!!


Friday, December 30, 2011

The Dream is DEAD

When Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married, I thought, "Look at them, If they can do it, I looks like FUN!"

Clearly they couldn't.  I give.  Thanks for killing my dreams Katy and Russell.  If Katy can't do it, nobody can.


Katie...(Morgan, not Perry)

The Road to Hell....

( Pictured Amy Morgan Stinson and Sharon Roberts Prothe and the dummest of all Katie)

Every year, we start out with the best of intentions. I'm going to do these things more:


 These things less:

And yet, by the end of 2011, inevitably I look like this:

Please hold me accountable to some of my New Year's Resolutions for 2012.  I'm begging you.  The fit, skinny, darling girl inside is just DYING to get back out.  Only with your help of donating your time to reading this blog, and making me want to be fabulous for you, will I achieve my new goals.   And no, I won't declare them until the first of the year.  I love you people.  Thanks for loving me chubby.



Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hostess with the most eff

So we had just moved to London and didn't know a soul.  Kindly, we were invited to a holiday party at another ex-pats home and I was so nervous.  Didn't really want to go but you nut up in these situations.  The party was lovely, champagne being passed, holiday music.  The hostess walks up to us and says, "Shit.  Why don't you have any fucking champagne?"  I almost collapsed with relief!  What is it about the f-bomb that makes me instantly comfortable?  She dropped it twice again that night and I can say that we have since become fine friends.


guitAIR: the practice of the secret rockstar

We've all been there, after a few drinks, you feel the music.  Something takes over.  (See previous post 'You did what?Where? House Parties' )  You start dancing around, next thing you know, GUITAR SOLO:

This photo was taken at my friend Ashley Sheridan's house in Sydney. Not only can the Aussies party, they provide high powered fans for your air guitar performances.  Look at her face in this one:

She was literally doing fan movement to give me optimal wind.  What a gem. Love her.  My memory is a bit foggy, but I think I had about an audience of 3. (not including Ashley)  But, I felt like Lita Ford.  Sigh.

Whether it's an audience of 3 or 3000, everyone should have a fan.

Rock on,


Get back to basics

Recently, Dummy (Kristen) told me I needed to grab some basics.  One of the items she insisted on purchasing were ankle booties.  After all the pressure, I finally found a pair that worked for me:
Jimmy Choo is someone who understands me.  This crystal encrusted "basic" is exactly what Dummy must have been talking about.
I'm also certain she meant in purple.

Thanks for the advice Dummy.  I LOVE THEM! Sure they will go with EVERYTHING.



One of my all time faves

You're welcome.


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Eat, Pray, Crap My Pants...then try to blend in

On my first trip to India, there were a lot of crazy ass things to see.  However, my cliche favorite was just "happening" upon a friggin' elephant:
Unlike Julia Robert's character in "Eat, Pray, Love" I was NOT all chilled out and centered about it.  This old gal was 30 years old, had a chain on her foot and a hole in her forhead where they poke that effing stick to make her walk.  I'm ANY second this beyatch is gonna go all National Geographic, freak out and murder me.  Thankfully she didn't.

In order to calm down, I donned a Sari, a bhindi ( trying to blend in) and ordered a martini.  Do you think everyone thought I was an Indian?
After a couple of those,  I was sure I did.  But, I'm retarded.

(If you go to New Delhi, check out the Aman hotel and The Imperial Hotel as well.  There are also lots of touristy things I could say...but martinis are most important )

Thank you for not murdering me Elephant, I love you.


Ted Says....

In regards to last night's inferno:
Ted: Did you hug me last night
Me: Yes
Ted: I should have fires more often


Smokin' Hot...and I don't mean the Dums

Last night, while icing my post surgery eyes in bed, I thought I smelled someone burning a quesadilla.  Then I heard a commotion.
That was no mexican food.  My neighbor had a fire.  The firemen were ridiculously sexy.  I helped them pull the hoses.  No, not their "bits"...the actual hoses.....WITH my sunglasses on. 
Clearly, we are all still alive.  I love you LAFD.  Namely the hotties from Engine 19.  YOWZA.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Leave it to the professionals, part 2

Recently my sister texted me that she was in the process of cutting her own hair.  Well immediately I was concerned because I have always considered that to be one of the first signs of mental illness.  Even back in college my friends and I would mime cutting our own hair as our way of saying someone had dropped their basket.  Of course, my sister denied being crazy but that's like the second sign that you are, right?  Anyway I think the lesson here is that even if you really do a great job on your own hair, just don't tell anyone.  All we can do now is watch and wait.  I hope I'm wrong, Meg.


Oh dear.  I just checked and it turns out that trying to make a monkey love you is indeed another sign.

Monday, December 26, 2011

It's not how you feel, it's how you look

If you want to looooook MARVELOUS, go to Michael Kors in Beverly Hills.
Jay and Scott can make even big fat 4's like myself look amazing.  After spending 15 minutes with these two, I was almost convinced I neither needed to diet nor have plastic surgery.  (Don't worry, after I walked out and spent 5 minutes with myself I remembered that I did indeed need to lose 15 lbs and see Dr. Kevin)

I love you Jay and Scott, can't wait to see you next week!


p.s.  thank you to my shagadelic love interest that bought me the Michael Kors for Xmas

So that happened.

Christmas timeline.

5:49 AM:  woken up by the children.  Anything with a 5 handle is just uncivilized.
7:20 AM:  watched the carnage as five kids opened 2,000 gifts in under three minutes.
8:00 AM:  got the mouth sweats as I made a "breakfast casserole".  This might have to be it's own post.
11:30 AM:  screamed at someone as they left for church.
1:30 PM:  gave my kids popsicles and candy canes for lunch.
2:00 PM:  started prepping dinner for 11 people.
5:00 PM:  cleaned fresh vomit off the sofa cushions.  Maybe not so surprising considering 1:30
7:00 PM:  put Neosporin on the neck of a boy after a freak basement accident involving string, stairs and a gym mat.
11:00 PM:  played "He said, she said" with my in-laws.  I know.
2:00 AM:  gave juice to a four year old having a night terror.

Wiped a thousand tears.

Happy birthday, Jesus!


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Ted Says....

I may have to intermittently post some quotes from my neighbor Ted Morse:
This was at our Christmas Eve lunch.  When I inquired about his age.....this is how it went.

Ted:  I voted for FDR
Ted: More than once, He had four terms, he was the reason they created term limits
Me: I did not know that
Ted: That was the reason for this meeting.

later in the covo...

Ted: Do you know why electrolytes are important
Me: Blood pressure?
Ted: Processing alcohol
Me: I did not know that
Ted: Another reason for this meeting...are you taking notes?

Thank you for my education and the delicious Wine Ted.  You rock!


Friday, December 23, 2011

Holiday Hairdos....or don'ts?

 Is this a hair"do? or a hair "don't" ?
Tell me your thoughts!


Dog Park Divas: The ups and downs of dog ownership

When are you single and childless, you really should have a dog.  This forces you into social circles similar to those having a child would.  Barrington Dog Park brings together groups of folks you might not meet otherwise. This glorious group of women have all become friends at the park:
Meet (starting from the right side of the pic) Jennifer, Vicki, Marianne, Ellen, Jan, Grainne, and I'm at the end.  You've got 4 floors of women here! Third floor (thirties), Fourth floor (forties), Fifth floor (fifties) and Sixth floor(sixties).   Such a lovely group of ladies all brought together by our beautiful dogs.

Marianne, being as thoughtful as she is, brought us all gifts for our lunch!
Darling green poo bags! And a Starbucks card.  Get your coffee on whilst your loved one poos.  It was a genius gift, and makes the one very serious downside to having a dog.....stink a little less:
I love you Dog Park Divas.  Thank you Marianne!
See you at the park!



My husband might have driver dyslexia.  It's so bizarre because it's not like he's just a consistent non-yielder.  He has opposite-itis when it comes to yielding.  The worst part is he thinks he's being nice. But it's just dangerous and confusing to other motorists.  He will stop in flowing traffic to let someone pull out of a Food Town parking lot. That is a blatant "do not yield" situation for most people.  But then run a full blown red light (blatant yield). He somehow has no problem backing out of a parking space when another car is going by but then he blocks traffic letting a pedestrian cross who isn't even in a crosswalk. Sometimes the pedestrian waves him on because he's uncomfortable with this.  Pedestrian knows the rules.  Wait for a break in traffic and make a run for it.  Come on!  So basic.  If someone in oncoming traffic is waiting to make a left turn he will abruptly stop and let them do that.  Also he never pays attention at traffic lights. I always have to say its green. Do you think we've spent too much time together this week?


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Where the magic happens

Twice a day my kitchen looks like a crime scene.  If you stop by* between 7 am and 1 pm or 4 pm and 7 am** you will get a full frontal of this horror show.  I spy...a half eaten after dinner mint.  Yesterdays coffee.  Fifteen shriveled clementines.  Oh!  Found the remote.


*  Please don't.  Just kidding!  Totally stop by.
**  After reviewing maybe I should just say my kitchen looks not like a crime scene once a day.

Lick it

Noods and I recently had lunch. Which means basically wine at noon.  I love that this photo not only captures my freakishly small head....but Noods is doing her "lick the glass" move.  You know the one, where you lick the glass so your lipstick/lipgloss doesn't transfer? 

Lick it...lick it good.

Shut your hole Ben Stein

Last night my love interest and I went to the Polo Lounge.  We like to go there, snuggle into a booth, snog and listen to the sweet sounds of David Aldo:
This South African Sweetheart has a voice to melt your heart.  (Check him out at Anyway, the ONLY thing I could hear last night was this horrifying voice:
Braying on and on about himself and how much he is on TV and very audibly how he was jealous of my McCarthy salad.  I was about to punch him in the gob when I opted for a non-violent solution:
Thank you Belvedere.  Love you David Aldo.  Ben-get your pie eater wired shut.

Happy Plastic Surgery Month,

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Trimming the Tree = Guns

At last, that fateful Saturday arrived in early December when the kids were bouncing off the walls to decorate the Christmas tree.  My handyman and husband for hire (Ramon) had laid all the groundwork… the tree was up and all the lights were shining.  (We don’t do real trees, but that’s another story.)  So, I cued up the Christmas playlist and let the kids loose.  My real husband (the one that had nothing to do with laying the groundwork) hung four ornaments and then told me he needed to go to the gun store.


I heart Dr. Kevorkian heard me right.  I LOVE Dr. Kevorkian:
Dr. Kevin Kevorkian has made all of my Month of Plastic Surgery Dreams come true! (this will only make sense if you read 'Christmas is Cancelled'. 

Thank you Dr. Kevin!
P.S. I will post before/just after/ and after pictures.  This is gonna be fun!


Worth the wait

Are you kidding me with this Christmas card?  This is our friend Larges' first attempt at a family Christmas card in three years.  It did not disappoint.  When asked how they got the baby (Jesus) to give the number one sign, Large just said "She's legit as balls."  Merry Christmas!


You did what? Where? House parties.

Okay I feel like this question divides the population in the same way that feta* does.  Or Steely Dan**.  It's either a hell YES! or a for the love of God NO! for most people.  The question is this:  do you dance in someone's living room during a party?  Discuss.


* Smells like vomit
** Makes me want to poke myself in the ear holes

Christmas is Cancelled

Sometimes I feel so reckless and wild
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
I've given nobody life
I am nobody's wife
And I seem to be nobody's daughter
                         -Shawn Colvin

Aside from the fact that the above excerpt describes me exactly, I am easily the worst at wrapping gifts:

 That is honestly the a present I wrapped for a friend yesterday. Hideous...almost bizarre in in it's grotesque lumps.  It is as though a well-intention retarded child did it. (actually I guess that is true as well)

 Put all of these facts together, and the month of December is truly the most depressing one of all.  So, I have decided to completely cancel Christmas in my life and declare this the month of PLASTIC SURGERY.

Turn my frown upside down?  You got it!  Dr. Kevin in Beverly Hills can make that happen.  Eyes a little tired? Noooo problem, Dr. Kevin can sort that out as well.  Getting serious work done in December can also be a ticket out of any potentially unwanted family engagements.   Ohhhhh I would love to come! But I'm getting a mid-face lift that week.  Sooorrrryy!  

 Some light lipo followed by some fat injections and BAM!  I'll be ready for the New Year!   

Merry Boobjob and Happy Brow lift to you!




Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It's OK to love your friend's husband

Kristen 'Superdum''s hubby, Chris= Excellent
Tiffany 'Superdum''s hubby, Rob=Excellent
I've had occasion to spend time with Riggs (Tiff's dude) just as a friend, not Canavan(Kristen's dude) yet...although I think it would be gangbusters.

Tonight, I had dinner with my friend Kristina's husband:
She is away with the family and he will join them tomorrow.  I love them, I miss her.  It is such a delight to have the luxury of being friends with both sides of a couple without one being a freak.  It is truly shocking how rare this is.

Well done Non Freaks...well done.

You know who you are.


The least sexy Christmas list ever

So, I want that 50mm lens.  And these shearling lined boot clogs.  Clog boots?  I don't know but manhoods are shriveling as I type.  The last two items are a Cuisinart (dude foodies (doodies?) are perking up here) and a blender (yes, for drinks).  How am I doing?  I hope next year is a LOT more foxy.


The Chubby 1/3

Kristen is skinny and hot.  Tiffany is an accomplished triathlete, fit and hot.  I actually have to work out to keep it together at all.  We are talking no eating after 6pm (only cocktails) , working out at least 3 times a week (preferably 5) and cutting back on my candy intake.

This is how happy it makes me:
Clearly, not at all.  After a 45 minute Tread and Shred class, I want an Apple Walnut Cobbler from Houston's.  Why bother?  I have to bother because Kristen and Tiffany have both given birth out of their own bodies at least twice and are 100% more fit than me. (I have never had a baby come out of my Va J I have zero excuses)

Isn't there a pill I can take?

Please say yes.


Why does my husband find it necessary to ask me the stupidest questions?

The entire family is enjoying a day at The Great Wolf Lodge.  (For those of you who don't know, that is the indoor waterpark version of Disneyland.)  The 3-year-old has finally exhausted himself into a stupor, so I grab a towel for him out of the giant bin marked "clean towels".  Cut to my husband asking me (in an irritated voice, no less)..."Is that a CLEAN towel?"  To which I responded, "No dear.  That kid just wiped his butt with it and gave it to me."


I don't buy it

I recently read an article that stated the average American woman has had 4 sexual partners.

Instantaneous thoughts:

A)  I must be European
B)  American women are sexually repressed liars
C)  All women interviewed were under the age of 24

And just so we're clear... I have been married for the past 13 years.


Walk the talk, Noodle. W the t.


The Descendants

It wasn't his fault but after leaving this movie I was genuinely pissed at my husband.  It's like when you have a dream where your husband is cheating on you and when you see him in the morning you just shake your head and say, "You're such a dick".

Here's my problem with this movie.  It's mom-hating.  Mom is in a coma but she had an affair so she kind of deserves it.  Then the dad takes the kids on a road trip that is the most fun they've ever had.  Look how good things are without mom!!  The ending is like a freaking Valentine to dad's everywhere and a finger to all moms.  Mom has passed away.  So, dad and the girls snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie, sharing ice cream out of the carton.  See ya, mom!  Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way to heaven.  I almost punched my husband in the head.


This one is for Tiffany. You are so dum for real

Tiffany has been singing this song to Kristen and me for the last year.  I thought that this Grammy worthy tune had come out of her delightful noggin.  But alas, I find out it's Antoin with a little auto tune.

So so so so good.
Hide your kids
Hide your wife



and thank you Tiffany

Monday, December 19, 2011

My favorite American happens to be French

Before you scoff, look at this delicious beer:
This is being happily consumed at one of Daniel Boulud's newest creations, DBGB in the lowdown downtown NYC.  There is a burger there called the "Piggie" that brought me to tears.  I love all of Daniel's restaurants...even traveled across the pond to Bar Boulud in London.  But this beer selection, mouth watering burgers along with the cozy, energetic atmosphere.  I'm in love.  God Bless America.  Daniel Boulud maybe one of the greatest examples of a kick ass Yank if there ever was one.

Eat it.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Don't follow me now dog

Tiffany is missing from our blog.  This is our way of calling her out.


Leave it to the professionals

If you are a "bottled blonde" you should never try to sort your roots out yourself. THIS is what happens:

That hot mess is some Clairol platinum blonde.  WHY would I pick platinum blonde?  My hair is darker than my effing eyebrows.  After this hideous debacle,  a hairdresser told me that if I ever absolutely had to address my own roots, to use something from Whole Foods.  She said a "highlighting kit", which I didn't find.  I tried Tints of Nature the next time.  Muuuuch better.

The only good thing that came out of this terrifying dye job was spending time with my family:
Next to me: brother Patrick. Darling.  White shirt: brother Mike. Darling. Next to Mike: My niece Elle. Amazing and just accepted to the University of Virginia, which I lovingly call University of Va J J.  Yes, I call Virginia, Vagina (which is then shortened to Va J J) because I am semi-retarded.

Thank you bad roots.  I love you Morgans.


Stop yelling at me.

Don't be fooled by this picture:

This is Kristen, the founder of Superdum. (this photo is just after she yelled at me)  She is the one of us three that is making this happen.  Daily, I get yelled at to post something.  So I am.

She is, as I type, making me take an oath "that you're gonna post a top 10 '2012 post' ".
I've taken the oath.
I'm going to work on it.

Tiffany really needs to get in the mix to take some heat off of me.