Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 you were a thug

I never knew you could have an actual relationship with a year until 2012 came up and bitch slapped me.  I was pissed and ready to fight but the next thing I knew I was on the floor in the fetal getting my organs kicked by steel toe boots.  And here is what I take away from this twelve month hate fest.  Gratitude.  It came out of nowhere.  Feeling so sad and broken down and violated by the events of this year has really made me find the grateful in so many things.  And I don't want to give 2012 the credit but as a result of our abusive relationship I am actually more in touch with what I know to be important and true and awesome.  So suck it 2012.  I win!  Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way to infamy.


Saturday, December 29, 2012

Living In Limbo

With the wrap up of "Homeland" and "Dexter",  I haven't a clue what to do with myself.  I thought I would just be in hell until season 2 of "Girls" premieres.  Then my sister Amy introduced me to MURDER TV.  It's actually really called ID.  (Investigation Discovery)

This is 24/7 murder.  It's awesome.

Most of the time people murder for money because their husbands bug them and they'd like the life insurance payoff.  The other reason is because they are shagging someone else and their husbands or wives are just in the way.  Or they are kinda jealous about something.

Regardless, I'm always baffled at what dummies they are. (and not in a good way...dumb with a b)  Any knucklehead knows you have to wear latex gloves and get rid of the body.  Usually, if there is no body you can get away with it.

I'm pretty sure after being faithful to Dexter, CSI and now ID tv, I could pull it off.

It's too bad I love everybody.


Friday, December 14, 2012

So I just

Had a talk with my nine year old about respect because her babysitter said she was "challenging".
Gave my five year old two cups of water even though I know he will wake up and need to pee.
Got them to bed at 9 something hoping the lateness doesn't bite me in ass tomorrow.
Tried to catch my breath before crumbling in front of them.

This tragedy in Connecticut.  My heart is breaking.  It's too much.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Juan Carlos Has a New Bodyguard

My darling nephew is a big, studly, football playing Midwest young man.  From what I've heard, he can tackle like a mack truck so I find it a lovely surprise that he loves Juan Carlos.  He takes care of him, holds him, protects him while the resident dog( Tootsie) gets pissed.

JC loves Jed as well.  I think he can sense that he has a true ally in this gentle giant of a guy.


p.s. J. Carlos looks like he dropped X because I used the red eye button on my iphone.  I swear my dog is not rolling on E

Sometimes people move

So Katie has taken a break from her life in LA and has moved to Tulsa (no, it's not in Arizona.  You're thinking of Tucson).  When we met 20 years ago she lived in Hollywood, fresh(ish) from New York.  Then it was Idaho, then San Francisco, then back to her hometown in Kansas.  Then Marina del Rey for a good stint and then...Australia.  Back to LA.  Why not Tulsa?  She assures me there will be hijinks galore, I can't wait to hear.  Especially because she is staying with her sister Amy and I don't like to say people are funny because in some cultures that's offensive but Amy is for real one funny mo fo.  I'm expecting some good material.  No presh.

Oklahoma, OK!  When can I come for a visit?  Are there direct flights?  It's the midwest, yes?


(Also excited that the time diff is only one hour instead of three.  So now we will be mutually unavailable to speak to each other on the phone, as opposed to our previous situation which is Katie can only talk when I am picking up my kids from school or putting them to bed and I can only talk when she's asleep or on her way to dinner.)

Monday, December 10, 2012

Jesus 5.0

You may or may not know that I'm not a very religious person.  I'm open to what anyone believes. (i.e. God, Jesus, Allah, Mohamed, Joseph Smith....whatevs)  And I absolutely  believe that they believe.  I also believe that whenever you get a group of people together on the same page in one room, it can be powerful.


Yesterday was my first Sunday in Oklahoma and this is a God-Fearing state.  Part of my deal with staying with my sister is attending church every Sunday.  She took me to Lifechurch.

Now, I don't know what the house of God was like when you all grew up, but this was a trip.  You are greeted with snacks, iced tea stations, coffee stations, cocoa, etc.  It feels like a concert or movie theater.  The building is an acoustically perfect warehouse with rockstar lighting and the band was off the hook.  Huge drum set with a 5 ft drum panel, a 5 string bass, 2 electric guitars, 1 acoustic guitar, keyboards , 2-3 back up singers at a time and 1 lead vocalist.  And again, the mix was outstanding.  Someone put a lot of time and dollars into this joint.  Here is the kicker.....the pastor is fed in digitally!  So, he simultaneously preaches to something like 15 different "campuses" at a time!  This is a damn good time to be a pastor.  They also make tithing available via your iphone or online. 

Jesus has gone digital.


Friday, December 7, 2012

Death By Pool Boy

 I was almost killed this morning.  Thankfully he didn't see me.


When retro isn't cool

I have many natural gifts (parallel parking, near perfect balance, long nail beds) but I have been forced to admit that I cannot dress myself for sport.  Everything I own is high school gym issue circa 1987.  I'm like something out of the Royal Tenenbaums.  And I have tried to shop at Lulu Lemon (with my gift card from last Christmas) but I always feel like the newfangled athletic gear is laughing at me. Like it knows somehow that I haven't strapped on a pair of trainers since I was a teen.  I am stumped.  How do other ladies make sporty look so spice?  Why can't it be like that for me?  Where is my retainer??


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Smells like shame

My daughter had her First Reconciliation the other night.  For those of you who don't know, it's when you confess your sins to the priest and he gives you penance and you are absolved.  We were on our way to the dress rehearsal the day before when I asked her what she was going to say when the lights were on and the house was packed (no pressure) and here is how that went:

Me:  Can you think of anything you feel bad about?

Her:  Mmm...not really.

Me:  Well....did you tell a lie?

Her:  Oh, yeah!  I lie all the time!

Okay.  So you are all set then.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Katie's Fashion Do's and Don't: The man hat version

John C. Reilly- FASHION DON'T

Lately John C. Reilly has been running around town doing press junkets for Wreck It Ralph.  While I love John C, and I'm sure the film is great.... he needs to be stopped or have his stylist fired. 

Some funny guys got it right with some fedora type hats.


Paul F. Thompkins-YES!


David Koechner-YES!
And of course:

Justin Timberlake -YES YES YESSSS!
My advice to John C:  DON'T keep a lid on it.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012


Conversation with my seven year old daughter yesterday morning, while packing school snack.

Her:  Mom can you write my name on my rice crispy treat?

Me:  Sure (scritch scratch).  There you go.

Her:  Mommy can you also write, "Have a great day!"?

What's next with this one, a kiss and hug?


Monday, November 5, 2012

Times They are a Changin'

Whilst watching "Ethel", initially, there was nothing grosser than everyone calling Robert Kennedy "Daddy".


Yes, it was their dad...but seriously? How about: "Our Dad" or "Dad" or "our Father"...but Daddy and Mummy when you are 50+ is disgusting.

Just as I was about to turn it off, I was swept away by the sentiment.  If you listen to what they SAY, it's quite different than the politicians and a lot of the Americans of today.

-Competition is everything
-Winning is everything
-It's only okay to come in second if you are a Shriver
-It's not what your country can do for you, but what can you do for your country. ( in my interpretation, don't suck off of the government.  Work.)

What happened to those people?  When did we become so apologetic and concerned with everyone else but our own people?

Ethel Kennedy was the creator of the "Tea Party"....literally.  She was also a massive dog and horse lover.  Sigh, a woman after my own heart.
The other thing you really see, is that no matter how many other women he shagged.  She WON!  Last woman standing wins.  Never second place.

Now, if her kids would just stop saying. "Mummy and Daddy" (as they are old mo fos) we would be all good.

I guess things can't stay the same.  But Ethel is pretty effing cool.  She saw truth and justice.  She was an educator.  She ran a tight ship, she didn't hand off her duties.  And the beyatch could play football.

You should definitely vote for the love of your country. And it doesn't resemble the last four years.



Friday, November 2, 2012

Just Shut Your Mouth

It's true, I've been enjoying a lot of the good life lately, but my jeans were so tight I thought I might be up the duff.


Happily, that wasn't the case.

Although this should be a comfort it isn't.  Why, you ask?  Because it simply means I have to STOP EATING!@#$%^&*(  I mean seriously.  I have to get it back in check.  No more 2 Hershey bars a day, no more sampling of every bolognese pasta in Los Angeles, no more of Arriane's brownies or Susie's cakes.

This is so depressing. I'll have to be hungry for the next month to get back to normal.   Being over forty blows.

Where can I get a tapeworm?


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Catch a buzz

Coffee is why I get out of bed every day so I was distresssed when this broke.

And I don't have a back up so have been doing this.

Which isn't a great motivator at 7 am.  Going from a Keurig to a kettle is just so depressing.  But then I remembered I had these lovely little spice packets for my coffee.  They smell so Fall like nutmeg and cinnamon and they make my Folgers moments kind of special.  You can put them in your brewer or use them like a tea bag in your coffee.  A spicy brew to warm your cockles.


(replacement Keurig on it's way)

Dummy is Having a Ball with Sandy

This is not Dum's actual home, just nearby

A few highlights.

To date:

-4 days without power
 *No TV
 *No internet
 *No heat
 *No hot water
 *Need to boil tap water for consumption
.....and she has three kids
-4 days playing scrabble with Cano (night 3 became "hate scrabble")
-3 nights of pretending it's 8:30 when it's 7:30 so the kids will go to bed
-3 days of no cell service

She has been completely unaware of the carnage that the rest of us have seen.  

Good times.

The great news is that they are safe.  The bad news is that it could be another few days of this.  Yikes.

Love and prayers from,

p.s.  as I was just getting this update, I lost cell service with her.  Ugh

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tricks AND Treats

Sigh, Halloween....The one time of year we can dress up like idiots:

Barry Kriegshauser as a midget Thor, me as Black Widow

Get on a Double Decker Bus (compliments of Amanda Miller):

Get your load on and miss your airplane the next day.

Thank you Amanda Miller for once again knocking it out of the park!  See you next year!


p.s. Barry, what are we going to be? Start thinking

Thursday, October 25, 2012

You can walk briskly on occasion but you can't hide

We touched on my fitness level a bit here so it wasn't a complete surprise when I had my blood work done for the first time in six years (apparently you should have this done every year..?) and it turns out I have high cholesterol.

Doctor:  You need to exercise every day.

Me:  Interesting.  Shouldn't I take a pill or something?

Doctor:  No.  Just the exercise.

Me:  Right.  Does walking count?

Doctor:  No, you need to get your heart rate up.

Ok, gotcha.  Message received.  And I choose life.  So I've started a humiliating regimen that I call sprinking.  That is me sprinting until I can't breathe (about 50 feet) and then walking until I can breathe again (about 300 yards).  And repeat.

This is going down every morning now so if anyone wants to join me stop by before 10.  Unless it is raining or snowing.  Or really cold.  Or hot.  Or something good is on the Today show.  Kidding about the last one I don't even watch that.



Monday, October 22, 2012

Shiver Me Timbers!

I had been wanting to do fish and chips whilst in London, but it's a crap shoot and if you get a bad batch, it can ruin your world for years.

My friends Paul and Ivan turned me onto this joint : The Golden Hind

73 Marylebone Lane
London W1U 2PN
Neighborhood: Marylebone
This place is hands down the Mecca of all fish and chip shops in the world. They were beautifully cooked.  All crispy, delicious, perfect batter and gorgeous cuts of fish.

I loved this food so much that I tried to make Tony (the owner) my new boyfriend. 

I love you Anthony Christou.  I had no idea Greeks were such masters of fish and chips! You definitely brought sexy back to the fish and chip world.


p.s. I personally blame you for my jeans not fitting.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

We're going to Paris!

Just kidding we are not going to Paris but Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck did and this is what Jen wore.

It looks like she just finished her shift as a file clerk in an insurance agency, slapped on her church pumps and wrapped a scarf around it for good measure.  This is what you bring to Paris?

I'm not saying I would wear this

I don't have the legs for it and I feel like purple makes me look sallow.  But my point is you're hot!  And you're in Paris!  Wear something sexy!

I think Cameron has it about right.




PS Sorry I said bam but I kept saying it to myself when I looked at this pic so I put it in there.

PPS Katie I'd like to see some pics of your Paris outfits.  Where are you anyway and when are you coming back?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It's on. (It's not on at all)

If you ever want to feel really bad about yourself, pick up a new sport in your forties.  Or in my case two new sports.  My guilt of not participating in any of my husbands top three favorite recreational activities (skiing, tennis and paddle) finally caught up to me, ten years in, and I decided to learn paddle and tennis this Fall.  After the first ten minutes of my first tennis lesson I was pouring sweat, red in the face and already needed a sports massage.  The second lesson yielded worse tennis and four injuries, including random forearm, shin and finger bruises.  First paddle lesson was about how it's the opposite of tennis.  And two more injuries.

The things we do for love.  (It just occurred to me that I could pass these lessons off as an anniversary gift!)  Now I need to run, I have an epsom salt bath waiting.


Saturday, October 13, 2012

Don't knock it till you try it

When traveling abroad, one comes across all sorts of whacked out shit, but this one took the cake for me.  I have seen peanut butter and jelly mix ups in the States, but I'm fairly certain I've never seen these combos.

I can kill a ketchup/mayo combo on a burger and for sure a mustard/ketchup combo on a dog, but what exactly makes this stuff "swiss quality"?  And when in the eff did the Swiss become the benchmark on condiments?  I thought that was our turf!


p.s. this product was found on the fifth floor of Harvey Nichols in London


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Confessions of a mum hater

(I'm referring to the flower not the ladies who have birthed and/or raised British children.)

When I first moved to this east coast town I noticed that in October every resident buys and displays mums in front of their house.   It's just the way things are done, like some unspoken agreement.  I wanted to be a gamer and give this a try but I realized pretty quickly that I just can't with the mum.  I don't like anything about them.  Every color makes me angry and aggressive.  I've never told anyone except my husband because I felt like I would be considered some kind of deviant.  I just kept trying the different colors year after year and accidentally (on purpose) didn't water them until they died.  It's been five years and I don't want to hide anymore.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Underachiever alert

That's my boy.  Don't put too much pressure on yourself.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Why?.....Why Not?

As I've mentioned a few times before. I love TLC and their programming.  Since the premiere of Abby & Brittany, I can't stop trying to pose like them.  Here are a few examples:

Amy Stinson and myself

Adam (Hannah's Hot Ginge) & myself

And finally, my all time favorite:

Taryn Ruffin and myself
This could be the gift that keeps on giving, as Harvey Nichol's windows have joined in the fun!


Thursday, October 4, 2012

WHAT??? It's not MY fault! (disclaimer: unfunny)

After coming home from another fun but rather long journey I picked up my sweet and fat dog Dolly.  She was acting crazy like a nutter butter.  Chewing herself, running around, hot spots everywhere.  36 hours and a sleepless night later, I took her to the vet only to find out she had a major flea infestation.

This is where I find people interesting. 

My dog has fleas, so people want to blame someone, anyone.  Here were some of the explanations I heard: "Oh it must be the kennel's fault", " It's those bad, un-fixed dogs she runs with at the dog park", "Global warming has made flea season bad".

The only person responsible for my dog having a flea infestation is ME!  I've been running around, too busy to remember to mind my sweet bitch and her well being.  I had lapsed in her frontline treatments.  That simple.

If you don't mind your dog, she'll get fleas.

Why do we blame other people / make other people suffer for things that have nothing to do with a situation? 

End the blame game.  Whenever you point a finger, there are three more pointing back at you.


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Don't drop a star...EVER

Dirty Basement (aka Ballsack Basement)

My sister Amy and I regularly meet in Kansas City to watch Chiefs games.  9 times out of 10, we stay at the Intercontinental on the Country Club Plaza.  It's a lovely joint, great rooms, great views all good.  On this last trip, I thought I would try Priceline-ing a room.  I put in a bid for $125/night for a 4 star hotel.  It was quickly denied, so I changed my bid (as you have to for Priceline to submit it again) to 3 stars at $100/night.  It was quickly accepted by Embassy Suites!  (this alarmed me a tiny bit...but eff it, it was going to be one night)

As if the massacre by the Chargers wasn't depressing enough, I walked into the above pictured situation.  A dark, cold, damp and musty basement-looking bar with men hanging their junk about like they were at home.  It was horrifying.

Taking off that one star...that one tiny star was like jumping off the Empire State Building.  There wasn't even a comparison.  In fact, I think they tried to sell this joint as 3 1/2 star hotel.  Um, seriously?  Maybe if you are growing mushrooms.

How dare you Priceline.

I still love you Kansas City.


Thursday, September 27, 2012

Remember that time? When we weren't talking about Fruit Plus?

My sister is visiting from California and she is an Ayurvedic practitioner which means she is really excited about alternative therapies and medicine and such which is awesome but also makes for some seriously one sided conversations.  This particular conversation was about her new favorite supplement.

Her:  You need to try the Fruit Plus.  I'm serious it is life changing.  They have been doing five gold medal three star tests on it for four hundred years.

Me:  Mmkay.

Her:  But seriously!  It is amazing!  No one in your family will ever need to go to the the hospital again ever!!  This one guy hasn't seen a doctor in twenty years!!  Can you even believe that??!!

Me:  Dude, I already ordered it.  I just don't know what you want from me.

Her:  I want you to love it like I love it!!  I want you to understand it's for real!  Fruit Plus is the real deal!!!

Me:  What's that over there?

She always falls for that.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Is it the end of an era?

If this is my new do, does that mean Barb is finished?  Or just on hold?


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Panic Me Clairvoyant. Who knew?!

It's 1:39 am on a Saturday and I'm not typing this because I had some awesome night.  I'm typing it because I'm about 98% sure I'm about to die....seriously.  Just when I was about to push this:

My old friend/bandmate contacted me on facebook.  If there was ever an angel in heaven, it's her.  Not only a kick ass drummer, she is a superstar EMT. (wait, are you a paramedic Cyn? Sorry)  After we went through my physical symptoms she reassured me nothing was likely wrong with me rather  I might be connected to something or someone much bigger/ ghosts and shit.  So, I started to talking to my Dad.

I'm much more interested in this theory.  Regardless of whether or not it's accurate, it immediately calmed me down.

What a relief it would be to just understand I'm just the next Long Island Medium and not a nutter butter.

Now, who wants a reading?!

Let's do this.


p.s.  Seriously Cyn, thank you so much for your compassion, expertise and input in my time of need

Friday, September 21, 2012

Inside the N(erd) F L

Recently while watching the "Inside the NFL", I was so embarrassed for Phil Simms.

Not only did he try to take all of the fun and vigor out of the game, he was rocking back and forth like a troubled person,  he looked like the worlds biggest nerd ever:

He relentlessly tried to bump up against the hilarious fun of Chad Johnson (love him or hate him, he is a giggle):

Pictured here with no jersey as he needs a home after head butting his property(aka wife)

CHILD, PLEEEEEASE....  Chad tried to teach all of the Inside the NFL staff how to say this to no avail.  NFL, I'm begging someone to take Chad back...someone.  He is a friggin' delight.  He is not only an elite athlete, he's a brilliant entertainer. 


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Danielle Steele called, she wants her plot line back

Lately, my life and the lives of those around me have appeared more like unreal uber dramas than regular lives.  Dum's husband came home from work and said, "there's blood everywhere.".  He meant this figuratively of course....but it really appears that way.  Losing jobs, losing loves, losing friends, losing health, losing lives.  WTF????!

I'm ready for this effing chapter of Crime and Punishment to end and a new chapter of Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea to begin.

Where have all the good times gone?

I'm bringing happy back people...even if I have to do it alone.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Sometimes people buy sunglasses

When I post a picture of my sunglasses table this is what I am saying.  Nothing is funny.  Nothing is interesting.  Nothing is worth re-telling.  It's a bloggers cry for help.


Friday, September 14, 2012


So I'm at the hair salon this morning and the sweet shampoo gal offers to grab me a magazine.  This is what she gives me.

That smarts.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Undercover Tightwads

The Ricketts Family
On my favorite network, TLC, they have a show called Undercover Boss. (actually it's CBS, but I watch the repeats on TLC) If you aren't familiar with  it, they take a CEO, put him or her in disguise and have them apply for bottom level jobs.  In the process they get to know their employees and the problems within the company as a "team member".

Anyway, at the end when they reveal the true identity to the unsuspecting employees that "trained them", they usually do this huge gifting process.  Like, we want to give you $25,000 and buy you a car.  Or, we would like to pay off your debt and send you to college.  This was not the case with the friggin Chicago Cubs family owners. Of course the brothers and sisters sent the youngest, Todd to deliver the sad news.   They offered things like, "We are making a plaque with your name on it" and " I know no one thanks you for the job you do, so on behalf of all of the owners, thank you"

Seriously?  You guys paid $850 million for that team and you couldn't cough up $100k to distribute among those employees you interviewed?  

Poor Todd.

You know those guys were thinking.  Um...I'm on UNDERCOVER BOSS??? This is the break I've been needing! Or not at all.

Thanks for the lousy plaque.


The top five reasons I love Blake Shelton

1. He's hot
2. He drinks all the time
3. He is a Chelsea Lately regular
4. He sounds like Hank Hill on King of the Hill
5. He is the most darling coach on the The Voice


Friday, September 7, 2012

Am I hot or no

It always baffles the mind when people have an over-inflated sense of self.  Perhaps because I'm so hard on myself as are the Dummies.  If I creep up to 118-119lbs, I panic.  If my hair isn't done and my nails are chipped, I'm off my game.  If I'm working out twice a week, I am not fit, I'm just getting by. Noods and Dum constantly keep the bar so friggin' high that it's a huge motivator to not let myself go.  Oh wait. I have

Then there are people that think more like Mama:

"I may not be the most beautimous out of the box, but put a little paint on this barn and shine it back to it's original condition, cause it shines up to look like it's brand new." - Mama

A brand new WHAT?  Now do get me wrong, I love Mama, but she is huge and needs some lip gloss.

Um are you looking into a magic mirror?  Where can I get one?