Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Dogs, kids and an unexpected laugh

Maisy doing safety stance

My adorable niece Tatum is obsessed with our giant puppy Zimmer.  This weekend she was desperate to take him for a walk but he is super strong and not a great walker so I went with.  After ten steps she let go of his leash because "Zimmy wanted to run free".  And run free he did.  For blocks.  After he love attacked an older woman and a man with his child he finally stopped to pee on someones lawn and we were able to grab his leash again.  He wasn't hit by a car.  The innocent bystanders didn't sue me.  All was right at the end.  But there was a moment when after the older woman who walks around our block on the daily, who I've never seen with a smile on her face, stopped in the road with a safety stance (very still with your arms crossed over your chest) felt safe again and began walking toward me and I said my sorries and then yelled "Tatum this is a debacle!" and the lady started laughing.  And that was maybe the high point of my day.*  Not only because I was relieved she didn't yell at me but also because I cracked that hard nut and got a chuckle.  That's the best.


*And the fact that Zim lived, obvs.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Things you never thought anyone would do. Mondays.

Post injection lobe

Katie and I talk about new developments in our appearance from time to time.  My comments are usually like hey I look old why are you so cute?  And she's always like get some botox and some Juvederm and stop being a hippie could be cute too.

I know she is beauty savvy.  She knows her way around a plastic surgeons office.  But I was (surprisingly) surprised when she told me recently that she had put filler in her earlobes.

Me:  What?  Why?  Were they aging you?

Katie:  (sent me the picture above)

Me:  Oh my they look amazing.

Katie:  Right?

My hair is thinning and I pee when I run so I clearly have bigger problems but I have to say her earlobes are fantastic.  I want to say seventeen year old cheerleader earlobes.


Saturday, April 18, 2015

Empire Strikes Back

The morning after doing a 13 episode binge of Empire....

6am :

Juan Carlos leaps from the bed, does a couple "down dogs" and stares at me.

Me:  (in the voice of Cookie)  Damn dog you crazy.  Get back to bed.

JC:  (in the voice of Luscious)  Oh HELL no!  I wasn't AAAALLL up in the BOURBON while watchin' Empire ....GET YO ASS UP.  I GOTTA PEE.

Me:  (Cookie won't leave) DAMN.  AIGHT AIGHT.  Don't call the po leese.  Shit.

I get up and walk him in my jammie's.  And The Lyons go back to sleep and my thoughts return to my own voice.

Damn you Cookie. Damn you Luscious.  Damn you Empire.

I love you.


Wednesday, April 15, 2015


I take Uber everywhere. All of the time. And I love it. Think its genius. But I still have those moments when I'm thinking, " wow this could go horribly wrong." 


Uber driver:  What is your address?

Me:  Don't you already have it?  I sent it with the request.

Uber driver:  Yes.

Me:  Then just go there.

Starts driving, clearly high.

When we get to a 2 mile straight away, he keeps stopping at green lights.

Me:  Um, it's green...go.

Uber driver tries to take a right down murder alley.

Me:  What are you doing?  We have 2 miles to go on this road before you take a right on Estes, you do know I know where I'm going, right?

Uber driver:  No response

At this point I call Dummy for a witness.

Me:  So where are you from?

Uber driver:  Haiti.

Dummy(on the phone):  Did he just say Haiti?  I'm thinking hatey.  Make him spell it.  Do you have your taser?

Feeling sympathetic, I ask how long he has been here....

Uber driver: 20 years.

What is your take on this people?  Murderer? (that is what I am leaning toward).  Or just massive stoner that has never picked up the lay of the land in the short 2 decades he has been here?  Either way,  I think the lesson is:  Don't let your guard down in an Uber.  And always always bring a taser.


Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Girls as moms

I love the idea of Jessa from Girls being a mom.  Here is how I see a conversation going down.

Daughter:  Mom, Daisy didn't even talk to me today.  She likes Ollie and now she won't speak to me.

Jessa:  Um.  Right.  Well, I went through a phase when I was your age and I was shagging Jordan from Essex (did I tell you about him?) whilst he was shagging Elsie (not the cow although she was a cow).  And then I just stopped.  And it sorted itself out, love!  I actually just ran into Elsie and we had Mocha Lattes and had a laugh about Jordan's bits.  It all works out.  Let's have a cuddle.  Okay, Mummy has to go now but if you have anymore feelings tell Angela and we will speak about it in the morning.  I know it's hard to be eleven.  Eleven was my first worst year.