Thursday, January 31, 2013

PPV Movie Review Installment #2

Movie: The Paperboy

*Nicole "I totally want this hairdo" Kidman (p.s this is the best she's ever looked to me)
*Matthew "I keep getting grosser and grosser with age" McConaughey
*Zac "I'll never be sexy or manly" Ephron (he makes me fall asleep whenever he comes onscreen)
*David "Sexual Chocolate" Oyslowo

but most importantly:
*John "I have loved you my whole life...what the fuck have you done" Cusack

*Macy "you are so cool but not the best actress" Gray

It was a mash up of Precious, Boogie Nights, High School Musical and a dash of demented Say Anything.

What happened Lee Daniels?  I applaud you for putting cool musicians that you don't expect to be in a film in your films....but that doesn't carry it.

For real, I have absolutely no idea what this film was about, but I'm certain is was about 1 hour and 47 minutes too long.

Your welcome,

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Perhaps I'm Old Fashioned (or Wish I Were)

So, my sister Amy went out on another date tonight.  This super amazing catch informed her he hadn't been in a bar in 15 years. (that is a deal breaker for us) and at the end he said, "it's my treat."

Thanks Snackie....if you ask a girl out it's ALWAYS your treat.  Women's Lib has effed us all.  Whomever put women in the workplace should be strapped up.  Gloria Steinem can kiss my grits. Whatever happened to staying home, taking valium, drinking martinis and vacuuming, scratch that....paying the help to vacuum and sort out your kids. ( I guess they still do that in L.A.)

They had it right in the 50's and 60's.


Having a purpose is overrated.  If I could come back as anyone, it would be Mary Crawley.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

PPV Movie Review

Movie: Savages

Starring: No one I give two shits about....let me look it up on IMDB again..standby

Blake "I'm hot but boring" Lively

Arron Taylor-"I'm the only sexy thing about this film" Johnson


Taylor "I should have never left FNL" Kitsch

All I wanted out of the gate was for them to ice Blake Lively.  She was a snore and I wasted two hours of my life on this crap. Selma Hayak snore.  And this is the only time in my life where I would say Benecio del Toro SNORE.

Oliver Stone- FAIL

You're Welcome,

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Preventive Parenting

Hannah, Rachel, Mary-Paige and Jed
Being that I have no children, my eyes are being opened to all sorts of experiences living with my sister Amy.  She has four beautiful children and they are all lovely and polite and darling to me.  But from what I understand, teenagers and young adults can occassionally just grunt at their mothers in lieu of answering....and like anyone you live with, she gets on their nerves and probably vice versa.

Anyway, a couple of times I've overheard Amy trying to engage one of them.  Either for a "snuggle" or just a quick conversation.  When they deny her or just grunt at her she has said, " Okay! Well in your future counseling sessions don't ever say that I never talked to you or never tried to snuggle!"  She says it with such enthusiasm and cheerfulness it makes me laugh out loud.

Not surprisingly, they just grunt.

(Insert grunt here),

Thursday, January 24, 2013


There was a mouse in the garage.   My nephew set up a bunch of those. 

The mouse has run into the arms of Baby Jesus.

Sorry mouse, you were cute.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Click uuuuuuuuuuuuu (sound of a line going dead)

The dating world is such a bizarre one (for single people, it seems married folks have no problems finding people to date)  My sister recently accepted a date request from a seemingly nice enough guy.  Things were going great until the "where" came into play.  She suggested a placed called Red Rock.  Lovely, cool, upscale...great bar etc, etc..  He replied with his suggestion.....CHILI'S.  No, I'm not kidding.  Fucking Chili's.  The date is over before it will begin.

Chili's? Really? Seriously? 


p.s. because Amy finds the sunny side in everything, she'll go enjoy a top shelf margarita and some chips and salsa before she lowers the boom on him

There's a New Kid in Town

There are two things you need to truly settle into a new town:

1) A gym:

And 2) A Plastic Surgeon:

Stephen M. Paulsen, M.D.

I didn't count on my plastic surgeon to be bringing sexy back.  He was all business though, I couldn't get a flirt out of him to save my life.  He just jacked me full of botox and left on a Vegas.  Maybe next time I'll try to show him my boobs.

Things are looking up.  Thanks Tulsa.



Saturday, January 19, 2013

Happy birthday Katie!

You are my kick under the table
My pinch in church
My eye lock at a party
My steadfast and devoted friend

Happy birthday to you.  Hoping and praying for a year full of love and laughs and adventures and inspiration.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Thanks for Nothin

Didn't I ask you all to hold me accountable in 2012?     What HAPPENED?!

I'll tell you what....This:
Some more of this:

 Long and didn't end fit or skinny.

Stop the insanity. I could use a little inspiration over here people!


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Now THIS is a Super Store

As I was checking out with $300 worth of groceries, the check out lady asked me if I wanted Valet delivery.  Um, WHAT?

She said, "drive up right down there and someone will come and load all of your groceries into your trunk."  


When I walked out of the store, sure enough, there it was. I had never noticed that before.

I hopped in my cozy little car and zipped over there!

Not only was that lady all cued up to sort out my billion bags, she was frigging NICE!

Where in the hell am I???

You are definitely NOT in Los Angeles anymore Dorothy.

Well done Reasor's.  You make grocery shopping sexy.


Monday, January 14, 2013

Fat Tastes Better Than Skinny Feels

This is a delicious burger from Fat Guys Burgers.

It should be illegal.

I'm glad that it's not.


Saturday, January 12, 2013


Juan Carlos and Tootsie

Finally...the rivals have become friendly....until there is food involved.

Stay away from my pupperoni.


Monday, January 7, 2013

Supermom: 5 year old Q and A

When my five year old asks me a question it fills me with mild dread because 1) I'm not sure what he's talking about most of the time and 2) if I answer incorrectly he unravels.  To avoid the fit I've been known to lie/pacify/hedge and so you can throw guilt right up there on top of dread.  In any case, here are the correct answers to some of his favorites.

"Mommy, can you text the mailman and ask him to bring me a bideo game?"  Correct answer:  I did but he hasn't texted me back.

"Mommy, do I have to grow up?"  Correct answer:  Only if you want to.

"Mommy, on Saturday am I going to bed at a 3 and a 7 and a 3?"  Correct answer:

"Mommy, can I get that for my birthday?"  Correct answer:  Yes.

"Mommy, can my name be Timmy?"  Correct answer:  Yes.  This made my daughters cry (then he won't be our brother!!) so I amended my answer to:  I don't think you can legally change your name until you are eighteen but we can call you Timmy.

And thank goodness I didn't change his name because Timmy was three names ago.  Now he's Marvin.


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Don't Touch My Moustache

Amy and I went to Dallas for a New Year's Eve party.  There was a Moustache theme. (clearly as the picture indicates)  What I didn't realize until after the party, was there is a hidden underlying theme in the moustaches.

A long time ago, I was doing a "learning video" with a group of Japanese clients. It was a video to teach Japanese folks how to speak English.  However, they taught me how to say "thank you" in Japanese.  They taught me how to pronounce it properly by saying: don't touch my moustache"  it sounds more like doe etash ahmash tay.

Anyway, as Dummy mentioned I think it's all about some form of gratitude.

With so much loss of life, love, friends (furry and otherwise)'s important to be grateful for what you do have and the people who are still around.

Baby Jesus/Teenage Jesus/Universe/Budda (whomever), thank you for letting me get through this year.  Thank you for my incredible friends who have never left my side and thank you for my family.

And seriously.....DON'T TOUCH MY MOUSTACHE!