Friday, July 31, 2015

Dread Head

When I wake up in the morning it feels like I am under a lead blanket of dread.  There is absolutely no reason for this except I despise the act of getting up in the morning.  Some would say I was depressed....I'm not.  Once I get going I'm fine.

Juan Carlos forces me to get up and walk and feed him and once that process is done,  the dread is gone.  When I had a part time job (that was really a full time job) I also had the dread, until I got there and got into the swing.

It is absolutely mandatory for someone like me to have a dog or a job or we will literally never leave the bed. Again, do not misunderstand this for depression, it's just a massive love for my bed and a disdain for the morning.

The one exception to this rule is being in a hotel like Trump Soho.  You can roll over and hit this "wake" button and the shades pull back, the lights come on and the day greets you.  Also, room service will bring me poached eggs and coffee.  But since that doesn't exist at home.  Dread it is.

p.s. do NOT ever contact me before 10 am unless it is with coffee,  breakfast in hand and you are opening all my plantation shutters.


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Paralyzed By Design

This photo gives me a panic attack

One would assume that because I am creative that I can translate that into my interior design.  Um, they would be wrong.   In the past I have joked around about looking paralyzed however, when it comes to decorating or designing my home, I am 100% unable to make a single move.  I just stare blankly at white walls....then open a bottle of wine and call it.

My sister Amy has had to come out multiple times to sort out basics for me.  And although I have bought some beautiful pieces from Grace Home, I haven't the slightest what to do with them when they arrive.

It's been over a year and my dining room still looks like this:

 I literally took that picture 30 seconds ago.

Clearly it's time to hire a designer.

Um, Amy Stinson, it's time to get back to Nashville.


Monday, July 27, 2015

PPV Review Installment #4

Movie: John Wick


*Keanu "I get sexier with every passing minute" Reeves
*Alfie " You scare me but I want to shag you" Allen
*William "my face looks like rubber, but no one is cooler than me" Dafoe and last but not least
*Daisy "the most darling beagle in history" the dog.

This film KILLED. Literally.  It was not unlike one of my other favorites, "Man on Fire". (I really like when the protagonist kills everyone)

"John Wick" did not disappoint in this arena, and unlike a lot of TV shows and films now, they don't make you go through painstaking fight scenes.  He just kicks every ones' asses, kills them and moves on.

The moral of this story:  Don't mess with someone's dog.....especially John Wick's (or mine for that matter)

This was 110% worth the $5.99 it cost to rent.


Saturday, July 25, 2015

Deaf and distracted

We take a trip every August with my brother and his family who live in California.  He has two boys and our kids don't historically get along.  Which I'm fine with.  The point is that once a year they have to hang out with their cousins.  And every year I feel like it gets a little better between them.  So in prep for the trip Maisy says to me:

Do you think that he (cousin) will think I've matured?

Me:  Why would he think that you're a turd?  You might have been a turd last year but I think you're on the right track now and he's going to see that...

Maisy:   Mommy!

Me:  What?  Oh!  Yes he's going to think you've matured.  No ones a turd.  Sorry.


Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Dear men

"Wow, he must be really well hung" said no woman ever upon seeing your monster truck/muscle car/crotch rocket.  Just a heads up.


Sunday, July 19, 2015


Remember that time when your ac was out and you were trying to sleep but your boyfriend/husband/giant child wanted to snuggle?  And the touch of them on your body made sweat drip off of your face?  That's what it feels like in New Jersey today.  If that air clings to me for one more second I'm going to get a restraining order.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

Giving is a sliding scale

Once upon a time there was a man who needed a kidney transplant and his brother in law (let's call him my brother Rick) volunteered to give him one.  The End.

This tale has garnered a few responses.  The first one is from my husband:

Wow.  I won't even give my brother in law a ride to work.

The second is from our friend Large:

I gave my brother in law the finger once.  In front of his kids.

We all give what we can.


Being content is so boring

I googled "Entitled Bored People" and this came up

My sister Amy is the one I turn to for counsel on a regular basis.  Recently she returned my call and this is how it went.

Amy: I had a terrible day, I'm exhausted

Me: I'm totally jealous

Amy: Of my shitty day? Um, what?

Me: Yes, I have nothing to complain about it's totally boring. What can we giggle about?

Amy: Well, you can complain about not having anything to complain about.

(Insert cocktail fueled giggles here)

Problem solved.



Sunday, July 12, 2015

Let Your New Life Begin Call 1-800- Get-Thin

After my recent bout of plastic surgery, (I'll update you all on of that later) I was down for about 6 weeks.....something like that, I can't be sure.

Anyway, you can't exercise because it raises your blood pressure, so instead I filled that time with cheeseburgers.  I put on exactly 15 lbs from the time of the surgery. They were baffled....almost impressed.  Like, how in the HELL were you able to pack on the pounds like that.  I blew up like a f*#king tick.

He told me I needed to take the weight back off for true results but not to freak out.  So, I've been going the healthy route: exercise, clean eating and of course, martinis.  I've dropped 10.  It's not happening fast enough. (Being over 40 sucks balls)

Perhaps it's time to throw in the towel and see if I can get a lap band.  I've seen it work wonders on some friends.  (Will they do that for 5-10lbs?)


19 kids and kill me

This show has always annoyed the hell out of me. And my daughters looove it. Obsessed. So when I found out that Josh was a child molester I thought in equal parts yes! I knew there had to be something wrong here and oh those poor girls. It really should have been ten percent outrage and 90 percent compassion. Apparently I am not a perfect person. But maybe when you make 19 people you will get a bad apple. See, here I go again.

Judging you,

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Dear daughters of mine

Just because you found it in the river does not mean that it is sea glass.

Even if you put it in a jar and call it a collection.

That is the bottom half of a forty.  Can we just please stop the charade?


What's up us? Wednesdays

Katie and I don't lead scintillating lives (Katie does sometimes).  And we don't always have something to be proud of....but getting over 82,000 views on our little blog will do just fine.  Huge thanks to everyone that stops by and checks in.


Monday, July 6, 2015

Deep thoughts

I tried to pay attention the other day to where my brain lands on a daily basis. And I don't know how to do a pie chart so I'm just going to make a list.

Why are they all screaming?
What am I going to do with that sofa?
What smells is that still the fridge?
They are going to yell at me at the groomers.
How come idtv has zero new programming?
I need to put the laundry away.
We need food.
How can I get out of making dinner?
How much longer?
Why does my computer hate me?
Shit, thank you notes.
What is Katie doing?
I need to start caring about my appearance.
That's not the fridge it's me.