Thursday, September 27, 2012

Remember that time? When we weren't talking about Fruit Plus?

My sister is visiting from California and she is an Ayurvedic practitioner which means she is really excited about alternative therapies and medicine and such which is awesome but also makes for some seriously one sided conversations.  This particular conversation was about her new favorite supplement.

Her:  You need to try the Fruit Plus.  I'm serious it is life changing.  They have been doing five gold medal three star tests on it for four hundred years.

Me:  Mmkay.

Her:  But seriously!  It is amazing!  No one in your family will ever need to go to the the hospital again ever!!  This one guy hasn't seen a doctor in twenty years!!  Can you even believe that??!!

Me:  Dude, I already ordered it.  I just don't know what you want from me.

Her:  I want you to love it like I love it!!  I want you to understand it's for real!  Fruit Plus is the real deal!!!

Me:  What's that over there?

She always falls for that.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Is it the end of an era?

If this is my new do, does that mean Barb is finished?  Or just on hold?


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Panic Me Clairvoyant. Who knew?!

It's 1:39 am on a Saturday and I'm not typing this because I had some awesome night.  I'm typing it because I'm about 98% sure I'm about to die....seriously.  Just when I was about to push this:

My old friend/bandmate contacted me on facebook.  If there was ever an angel in heaven, it's her.  Not only a kick ass drummer, she is a superstar EMT. (wait, are you a paramedic Cyn? Sorry)  After we went through my physical symptoms she reassured me nothing was likely wrong with me rather  I might be connected to something or someone much bigger/ ghosts and shit.  So, I started to talking to my Dad.

I'm much more interested in this theory.  Regardless of whether or not it's accurate, it immediately calmed me down.

What a relief it would be to just understand I'm just the next Long Island Medium and not a nutter butter.

Now, who wants a reading?!

Let's do this.


p.s.  Seriously Cyn, thank you so much for your compassion, expertise and input in my time of need

Friday, September 21, 2012

Inside the N(erd) F L

Recently while watching the "Inside the NFL", I was so embarrassed for Phil Simms.

Not only did he try to take all of the fun and vigor out of the game, he was rocking back and forth like a troubled person,  he looked like the worlds biggest nerd ever:

He relentlessly tried to bump up against the hilarious fun of Chad Johnson (love him or hate him, he is a giggle):

Pictured here with no jersey as he needs a home after head butting his property(aka wife)

CHILD, PLEEEEEASE....  Chad tried to teach all of the Inside the NFL staff how to say this to no avail.  NFL, I'm begging someone to take Chad back...someone.  He is a friggin' delight.  He is not only an elite athlete, he's a brilliant entertainer. 


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Danielle Steele called, she wants her plot line back

Lately, my life and the lives of those around me have appeared more like unreal uber dramas than regular lives.  Dum's husband came home from work and said, "there's blood everywhere.".  He meant this figuratively of course....but it really appears that way.  Losing jobs, losing loves, losing friends, losing health, losing lives.  WTF????!

I'm ready for this effing chapter of Crime and Punishment to end and a new chapter of Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea to begin.

Where have all the good times gone?

I'm bringing happy back people...even if I have to do it alone.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Sometimes people buy sunglasses

When I post a picture of my sunglasses table this is what I am saying.  Nothing is funny.  Nothing is interesting.  Nothing is worth re-telling.  It's a bloggers cry for help.


Friday, September 14, 2012


So I'm at the hair salon this morning and the sweet shampoo gal offers to grab me a magazine.  This is what she gives me.

That smarts.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Undercover Tightwads

The Ricketts Family
On my favorite network, TLC, they have a show called Undercover Boss. (actually it's CBS, but I watch the repeats on TLC) If you aren't familiar with  it, they take a CEO, put him or her in disguise and have them apply for bottom level jobs.  In the process they get to know their employees and the problems within the company as a "team member".

Anyway, at the end when they reveal the true identity to the unsuspecting employees that "trained them", they usually do this huge gifting process.  Like, we want to give you $25,000 and buy you a car.  Or, we would like to pay off your debt and send you to college.  This was not the case with the friggin Chicago Cubs family owners. Of course the brothers and sisters sent the youngest, Todd to deliver the sad news.   They offered things like, "We are making a plaque with your name on it" and " I know no one thanks you for the job you do, so on behalf of all of the owners, thank you"

Seriously?  You guys paid $850 million for that team and you couldn't cough up $100k to distribute among those employees you interviewed?  

Poor Todd.

You know those guys were thinking.  Um...I'm on UNDERCOVER BOSS??? This is the break I've been needing! Or not at all.

Thanks for the lousy plaque.


The top five reasons I love Blake Shelton

1. He's hot
2. He drinks all the time
3. He is a Chelsea Lately regular
4. He sounds like Hank Hill on King of the Hill
5. He is the most darling coach on the The Voice


Friday, September 7, 2012

Am I hot or no

It always baffles the mind when people have an over-inflated sense of self.  Perhaps because I'm so hard on myself as are the Dummies.  If I creep up to 118-119lbs, I panic.  If my hair isn't done and my nails are chipped, I'm off my game.  If I'm working out twice a week, I am not fit, I'm just getting by. Noods and Dum constantly keep the bar so friggin' high that it's a huge motivator to not let myself go.  Oh wait. I have

Then there are people that think more like Mama:

"I may not be the most beautimous out of the box, but put a little paint on this barn and shine it back to it's original condition, cause it shines up to look like it's brand new." - Mama

A brand new WHAT?  Now do get me wrong, I love Mama, but she is huge and needs some lip gloss.

Um are you looking into a magic mirror?  Where can I get one?


Thursday, September 6, 2012

It's not you, it's me

You know when you are ready to break up with someone but you can't because you don't have a car and he drives you to work so you are sucking it up and saving money so you can finally buy your neighbor's daughter's Celica and be done with him?  That is how I feel about this outfit.

I hate you so much.  See you tomorrow.


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

WTF Wednesdays

I can feel his hot breath on my scalp and the too tight waist wrap from behind as if I am actually Anne H.  I'm suffocating just looking at this.


Poison rules. No, not the band

Meet my three new room mates:



There are a lot of friggin hippies in the state of California, and I am not one of them.  My neighbors apparently are all suffering the same plight as me but refuse to have anyone spray their places.  This morning, Mr. Exterminator man came in and seeing all of my glorious freeloading friends, suggested the ultimate solution.  FOG!  Mother Effer is going to come in here with a respirator on and fog these asswipes out of my life once and for all!  GO POISON!

Lasting effects?  Does anyone really care?  I'm not breeding, so I won't end up with a TLC baby.  Dolly is old, so am I.  While she is at camp and I am watching the Kansas City Chiefs take their first victory at Arrowhead, those filthy insects will be dddyyyyying.

Don your gas masks people!  It's going DOWN.