Thursday, May 31, 2012

No one is buying it

Sometimes, somehow 9 inch heels manage to make you look shorter.  Maybe it's because the shoe is the same size as your shin.  Put on your flip flops and lets call a spade a spade.


Spade, incidentally, was one of my draw something words recently.  Challenging.  Do you go with the gardening theme or playing cards?  Writing the words "playing cards" probably just got me kicked out of Vegas forever.

Pay Per View Movie Review

Recently I rented "The Grey" on Time Warner Cable.  Not only was it a serious waste of $4.99.  It was a gross waste of 1.5 hours of my life...even if I was drunk.  Well, that was it's only saving grace, i was hitting the Jack Daniels whilst watching.

This is sexy:
This is not:
I've never in my life rooted harder for wild animals to murder humans.

Thank God they did.

Do not see this film.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012


We love you beautiful girl.


Same Shit, Different Credit Card

Generally, when I find something I like, I can't stay away from it.  I just keep buying the same thing over and this Alice & Olivia dress.

Noodle and I were at Saks a couple of days ago, and I stumbled upon the red version of the Vegas dress:

It's a carbon copy of the gray one, so I bought it.




Sunday, May 27, 2012

Memorial Day

Bless the Men and Women of the US Military

 Thank you.

The Dums

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Mother's Arm

My friend Amanda sent me this article about a woman with anosognosia She would have her arm lying in her lap and when asked who the arm belonged to, she would reply, "that is my mother's arm".  She literally believed that it was not her arm.  Now that is some whack shit, and I'm not even sure how that article discussion progressed to the next bit, but it did. (I highly recommend you read the linked article it is messed up)

Amanda and I started to blame all bad behavior on our "mother's arm".

-I had one too many drinks last night and my mother's arm drove home.  

-This weekend my mother's arm made me french kiss the bartender.  

-Why do I have a scab on my cheek?  My mothers arm smoked marijuana cigarettes,  made me ride my bike and I fell down.

Mother's arm is a fickle mistress.* One never knows when it will rear it's dismembered digits and get you into trouble, although the arm is generally coaxed out with alcohol or drugs.  When it does indeed come out, it's always a great story covered in humiliation.  The upside is you have a perfect explanation for every naughty thing you do. 

Watch out.


* That is an Amanda-ism

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Wha Happened?

Doing this:

Made the rest of the night look like this:


Monday, May 21, 2012

Do the bustle

I've had it wrong all of these years.  When it's bed time at my house I dim the lights and mute the tv and after I give everyone their last ultimatum kiss I tip toe down the stairs and silently move about the house only to be interrupted by the inevitable and yet startling "MOMMY?"  "MOMMY?"   MOMMY!"  And up the stairs I go.  I don't know why it took so long for me to get it but silence is impossible to sleep to.  Kids needs a bustle.  For me it was my dads tv shows and just knowing he was awake watching them.  Made me feel safe.  For Katie it was the smell of Dick's cigar and the light he read his book by.  So now I do the bustle after I say goodnight.  I put on the news, tidy up, smoke a cigar.  Kidding about the last one.  But guess what?  No MOMMY!  Good stuff.


Looking at this pic of JT I'm thinking maybe he was trying to tell us he was gay back then but we missed the signs.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sick Sunday: The Business

One of the upsides of getting older, is that you rarely get sick.  Well, if you don't have children you rarely get sick.  I don't think I have had a sore throat in 10 years.  Upon arrival to LA last night, I swear I thought I was going to die and not able to swallow as it was so painful.  My sister Amy suggested this stuff.  It's amazing.  I can actually breathe through one nostril AND I can swallow.

I love you Mucinex.


Saturday, May 19, 2012

Celebrity Saturday

Look at these two with their identical smirk smiles.  Their expressions are completely interchangeable.  Why does that annoy me?


And not to be like this but if they do actually procreate that child will be like 40% chin.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Yee haw

Most of the games my girls play involve every umbrella in the house, a thousand beach towels, my high heels and bags of snacks.  It's like "Airport!"  Or "Beach!" And it only lasts as long as it takes to take every piece of junk out of my basement and put it on the front lawn.  Then it's over.  But they have this game called "Salon!" which is a no kidding slice of heaven in my house.  My husband and I get tea, magazines and our hair styled.  Sometimes they even throw in a little shoulder rub.  It's expensive (last time it cost me ten Goldfish not including tip) but totally worth it.


Oh No you Dint

On some recent trips to NYC, I've seen a lot of really beautiful women, or I should say girls, as none of them could have been a minute over 20-21.  Anyway, they seem to be wearing bad cut off jean shorts, t-shirts with these clod hopper high tops.  Ladies...this does NOTHING for your legs. Granted these barely legals had legs for days, so they could semi pull it off, but I wouldn't be caught dead in these things. Cut to.....

My worst fear:

When they started phasing back in Skinny Jeans, I SWORE that I would NEVER make the transition to the Skinny Jean. I love my boot cuts and my body hates skinny jeans.  I'm short, short-limbed and curvy.  Skinny jeans like tall, long-legged, no hip kind of gals.  And yet, here I am nothing but effing skinnies...EVERY SINGLE DAY now.  It's horrid.

Thus, if this clod hopping sneaker, cut off jean shorts thing sticks, I'm screwed.  Is there an age where you can just opt-out and wear only St. John, Michael Kors, etc..?  Does that mean I have thrown in the towel?



Tuesday, May 15, 2012


This may be the best show on TV.  I'm in love Lena Dunham as she is clearly a genius.

If you haven't seen this yet.  WATCH IT!!@#$%^&


Gracias, Merci, Thank You

In my mid-length life, I've been fortunate enough to be in a position to connect people or lend a hand when needed.  This has always brought me great joy, but it seems recently I'm being overwhelmed with being thanked.  I don't know if this is just something I didn't notice before or the past kindnesses shown are just now coming back to me.  Either way it has been lovely and made me feel really good/happy.
It has also really brought to my attention how important it is to be grateful and demonstrate the appreciation.

So, if you have taken the time to read this....Thank you.


Monday, May 14, 2012

Not so hot yoga

Nowadays, there are variety of "hot" yoga and work-out classes, out there.

Here are the reasons they gross me out:

A. Inevitably there is at least one, if not a group of pervy, stinky, filthy men there
B. It stinks in there
C. It's hot

The only redeeming quality is to sweat out all of the toxins after too many nights of cocktails.  Men, please don't talk to me when you are in tiny outfits and stink of B.O....thanks.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

Blue blazer meets East Village. A love story.

My husband and I met on a blind date.  We were just hanging up after making plans to meet at a hip (ha!) new (not even in Zagats yet!) restaurant when he said, "Wait, how will we know each other?"  "Oh! " I said.  "I will be wearing black and chain smoking."  "Okay," he said, "I will be in the blue blazer."  Ok.  Bye.

I knew at that moment that I would get a thousand eyeball rolls from my downtown friends.  We dated copywriters and musicians and editors.  Blue blazer was the kiss of death for him.  Might as well just say meet you at the Omega house.  Superficial?  Hmm, let's not start with the name-calling.  Anyway, we overcame our style differences that night and found that we actually had a lot in common.  Celebrity gossip.  Beer.  Making fun of our friends.  Planking.  The important things.  And I'm happy to report that after 11 years together we are still going strong so don't let anyone tell you that all that matters is how you dress.  It's just not true some of the time.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Met Gala: the scary and the smug

The Met Gala pics are always a treat because people wear some crazy shit.  This year I had one standout in the crazy department.

Terrifying.  Really honestly creeping me out.

But then there was this "I just had a baby" contest going on which is fun but in a way that makes you want to punch them all in the Spanx gut.

"Oh!  Where'd my baby weight go?  Wow, I think I might even be skinnier now than before the pregnancy!"  Nobody likes a show off.


WTF Wednesdays: camel toe edition

She's 42 years old, surely vain and pays people to dress her so there really isn't any excuse for Mariah to go out and about in pants that can't contain her giant labia.


Thanks, Erin for the feed!

Keep smilin, keep shinin...

I have a friend that I refer to as my brain.  She has the answer to everything and I'm convinced that without her I would cease to be a functioning person.  Katie has Noodle, who functions as her wallet.  No big purchase is made without a thumbs up from Noods.  And she is a tough sell.  The other day, Katie came to visit so we did a bit of shopping and she found a marked down red Diane von Furstenberg dress in a size feed me zero.  She was conflicted because it was a little snug and she had just bought a red dress.  I wasn't helpful because I shop vicariously and was like "Buy it!  It's gorgeous!  A classic!"  So she texted Noods.  Here's how it played out.

Just another example of how much we need our friends.


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Tricks Tellin Tales Tuesdays

So apparently a young lad was booked to give John Travolta a massage in a hotel and it took a not at all surprising turn for the dirty.  According to the lad, JT was thinking it was that kind of massage, groped him and then tickled his own pickle in frustration.  Lad is now suing JT for being gross, upsetting him, calling him out and being really rich.  I am 100% a believer in celebrity gossip so I'm inclined to buy this ( I also think that Beyonce faked her pregnancy).


Monday, May 7, 2012

Dumb babies

Any time I complain to Noodle about a lady problem she always says, "Dumb babies".  Squishy tummy.  Dumb babies.  I peed a little when I was running.  Dumb babies.  My boobs don't touch my bra.  Dumb babies.  You get the picture.  And she is no joke mother of the year.  But seriously what did they do to us?


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Ted Says: Derby Edition

Thursday, Ted and I had lunch.

 Here was lunch:

Ted and my pick's for the Derby:



Thursday, May 3, 2012

On being 22

When the Dums were in Vegas a few years ago we hit the ladies room and met up with a gaggle of beautiful barely legals.  Future Bachelor gals.  We were really surprised when they started oohing and ahhing over us like an exotic zoo exhibit.  "We want to be you!" they said.  "What can we do?"  We were like, "Umm.  Get old."  It all ended in kisses and hugs and well wishes.  Now, they could have been having a go at us but I remember being 22 and ALL I wanted was to be older.  So funny how the age thing works.


When a good friend disappoints

I'm not speaking of the Dums.  They couldn't possibly.  This is about Taco Bell.  It's not what it used to be.  Can anyone argue that?  And I continue to crave the memory of what it was only to be left $4.08 poorer with the itch unscratched.  What is it?  The beans are runnier.  The hot sauce is more bland (that feels like an oxymoron.  How can it be more less flavorful?  I'm sorry.  I'm upset).  They don't even fold the burritos the same way.  Did this happen while I was out of the country?  Someone talk me down.


PS TB, I don't even care what percent beef is in your beef.  I would never sue you.  I didn't say a word when you introduced the Fire hot sauce flavor.  Why are you doing this to me?  I just want it to be the way it used to be.  I still love you.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

WTF Wednesdays: Sales Butthole of the Century

To kill time before a massage, I stopped at Social Couture, a consignment shop next door to the Massage Place in Brentwood.  I pulled out a D&G dress that was gorgeous, but clearly too big for me.  The sales lady kept screwing up her face saying, " yes, you are at least a euro 40."  Um, what?  Firstly, this dress is not a 40 and secondly, neither am I.  She pushed me to try to it on and it was clearly too big.  She kept saying "it's PERFECT."  I said, "have you ever seen a dress like this on? this is not how it's meant to fit." to which she replied, "that is your size" was a 44!  I went in feeling thin, and ran out of there thinking, I must be chubby and have no idea.

I became so obsessed I couldn't go to sleep until I checked the sizes in my closet.  Sure fluctuated between a US 2 or 4,  a UK 6 or 8 or a Euro 36 or 38.  If that freak in the shop had just said, "let's find something more your size", she could have sold me something. Instead she chose to question what I knew about myself and somehow make me feel bad.  Well done stupid lady.  You get zero commission and I'm going to starve for a week.

p.s. your blue contacts look dumb


WTF Wednesdays: Tanorexia

Holy mother of addictions.  Doesn't someone at the salon need to step in and say, "No, I think you're good."  Today I'm going to feel better about myself simply because I am not this woman.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Awkward moments

I was just getting comfortable in the dentist chair, hunkering down for a cleaning and a little morning TV (Today Show to be specific) when the first segment pops up.  Getting to know your breasts.  The hygienist is super sweet but I don't know her well.  I'm not going to pull out my dog eared copy of Fifty Shades in front of her.  So.  Getting to know your breasts.  And don't forget your nipples.  How many more seconds until this is over?  Commercial break, hallelujah.  Jenny Craig.  Yes, the hygienist is overweight.  Followed by really sexy/creepy Nivea spot.  Followed by Tampax.  Wow they really know their demographic.  Next segment, weight loss tips from previously over weight ladies.  How they dropped half their body weight.

It all just felt too personal and I couldn't comment because her hands were in my mouth and she was not saying anything.  Bottom line, when it comes to dentist TV go with something safe like the Food Network.