I am Friday night drunk dialing all of you right now

Sometimes, people have martinis.

The fact that I could type that last sentence is a friggin miracle of baby Jesus.  For the Catholics, this makes sense ( i had to type and re-type that ... maybe Jesus isn't down with the Catholics )  Anyhoooooo

On a Friday night people are generally hooping, hollering and having a giggle.  I'm flying Hans Solo with my fat ass dog and hope that something decent is taped on my DVR.  Yay me.

Signed Hopeless, Party of one ( i had to re type that four times....i love you gin)
kkm

(i hit jjm....and re did it)

p.s. sadly the only one taking advantage of me is dolly...her farts have burned off my eyebrows

love
kt

Ask Superdum: The Swimsuit Edition

Dear Superdum,

What are you guys wearing to the beach this summer?

Love,
C

Dear C,

This is a complicated issue for me.  I love bikinis but understand that at a certain age one must consider the experience of the other beach goers and cover that up.  Am I at that age?  Most likely.  Will I be wearing a one piece?  Absolutely not.  Here's what I'm going with.  Top:

Bottoms:

Both from Malia Mills

I will also be dusting off my kettlebell and trying to follow the 4 Hour Body guidelines, shaving more regularly, spray tanning all of it and wearing a cover-up.  So, I'm sorry about the bikini beach club friends but let's all try to make the best of it.

Love,
Kristen
________________________________

Dear C,

Being that my ass and legs are horrifying (legs are short and I have cellulite)....those boy shorts pictured above, I would not be caught dead in. I opt for a string tie to lengthen my stumps.

Luli Fama bottoms

Also, my only redeeming qualities are my stomach and my fake boobs.  So, I have to capitalize on those.  If anything I will constantly wear a sarong.

Love,
Katie
                                                                                            


Dear C,

My newest age-inappropriate bikini:

However, one would have to have bionic x-ray eyes to actually see me in it.  At any given time, Malibu beaches are the climate equivalent of the Hamptons in March.   So look for this gorgeous swan (bikini) to be fully covered by its ugly duckling (sweatshirt and cargo pants).

Love,
Tiffany

Who moved my cheese?

Last weekend I came home to a dog bed and a shag carpet riddled with dog poo poo pants.  The bad kind.  The door was completely open to the garden, which means she was legitimately sick. Dolly has been with me for over 12 years (she is over 13) and she has never had an accident...clearly I was worried.

After a trip to the vet, an x-ray, ultrasound and a lot of poking a prodding, it was determined she had gotten into something.

Um, YA THINK???

Anyway, we are 3 days into antibiotics, probiotics changing over her food and getting back on her "poo feet".  So what do I come home to today?  She has removed a BLOCK of gruyere out of the trash can,(I cleaned out my fridge) unwrapped it and consumed the whole thing.

Should I just cover the entire place in plastic sheeting?

Oh dear.

Love,
Katie

WTF Wednesdays

Well it is hump day.

Love,
Kristen

This is my rifle this is my gun

Um, Mike....I went to high school with you, and I don't remember this guy.  This is friggin' AWESOME. 

On Full Metal Joust, these guys eff each other up, for real.  Jousting is something we've all seen at Medieval Times  whilst wasted doing un-speakables in the bathroom amongst a gaggle of children (trying not to vom when you smell the horse poo and kid puke), this is not that.  During one joust,some guy lost his nuts.  And then a different guy got rammed in the bits, but kept them. Mike is clearly made of steel, as he was hit, knocked off then hit again and didn't even seem phased. (pissed, but not phased) He then, got off the horse and was gracious.

Mike, here is to keeping your nuts and tanning someone's hide. (and please be nice to the horses)

Love,
Katie

Healthy sick is the new skinny fat

When I was in high school my friends and I used the term "skinny fat" to describe someone who was slim but had low muscle tone.  Like, yes they are thin but not exactly "fit".  Another little opposite trend I have been picking up on is the "healthy sick".  The ones who are vegan and hypoallergenic and paraben free but always seem to have a sinus infection.

My sister Megan is the healthiest person on the planet.  She is an Ayurvedic practitioner.  She drinks chai seeds.  She eats raw garlic and ginger.  And yet she gets sick.  A lot.  What is up with that?  I have been sick maybe three times since my eight year old was born.  And I don't really take care of myself.  So my question is how can someone like me stay relatively healthy* while someone like Megan gets every virus that is scooting around Santa Monica?

Love,
Kristen

*Now let's all knock on something resembling** wood because on top of being a hypochondriac I am also superstitious.  I might as well get my z-pak script filled right now.

** I am not remotely Type A or I would have asked that you only knock on actual wood.

Mind Your Manners Mondays: man slaughter, the ultimate faux pas

Sometimes, when you want to live, you don't pull out in front of a speeding car.  The other day a Yukon crossed my path as I was traveling at 40 mph. I had to break hard to avoid hitting him. I was shaking for a good ten minutes. As he went by he looked at me, but his eyes were dead. There was no, "Whoops!  Sorry, that was a bad call!"  Or, "You're right I totally misjudged that!"  Please take your suicidal tendencies out in the safety of your own home and let those of us who choose life get on with it.

Love,
Kristen

Supermom: bottom 5 things I said to my kids this week

I wrote them down because as they were coming out of my mouth I didn't have anyone to kick and eyeroll at.

5.  We have pickles. We have pretzels.  No one is going to starve today.
4.  You guys keep walking in front of me like dogs that won't heel.
3.  Everyone gets a shampoo this week whether you need it or not.
2.  Yes.  I'm positive you wore underpants yesterday.
                         And at number one we have...
1.  I think I liked it better when you were sad.

How am I doing?

Love,
Kristen

Celebrity Saturday

1.  She got boobs!

I approve.

2.  What is he smoking and these two are for sure doing it

She's like, "Remember that time?  Yesterday?  When we did it?"  And he's all, "(sniff!) Yeah. That was awesome (cough cough sniff!)".

3.  She dresses like an elderly

How old is she?  26?  Why does she always look like a crazy dowager wannabe?  Katherine, I am begging you to dress your age.  I would sell Katie's soul to see you in a t-shirt, hoodie and baggy jeans.  Hair down and messy and please skip the red lipstick.  It's daytime and you are not my grandmother or Jenna Lyons.

Love,
Kristen

Is this seriously happening?  What is it about J.Lo Hewitt and Lifetime that want to produce terrible programming about hookers?  What baffles the mind more, is that they pick the LEAST sexy woman on the face of the planet.  Sure, she has weird, long watermelon-boobs and sure she can do that perma-squint /down syndrome imitation face...but she is like a dead fish in the sex appeal department.

Is it that no one would touch these scripts with a ten foot pole?  What happened to that other series she did?  What was it about? Cat Whisperer? No, that's not it...GHOST...she was a ghost whisperer.


Rename this : Life Goes on, the hooker years, and I would buy it.

Love,
Katie

Emoji's

My sister is in love with this app. The little icons that can say everything you want to express. After a brief text session I think I'm on board. Here's how it went down.

Love,

Kristen

TV is the best teacher

If there is one thing I have learned from television, it's to bury a body at sea.  If you are in the mood for murder, someone pisses you off or you have to help someone get rid of a corpse, this is the answer.

Don't mess wid Superdum if you don' wanna swim wid da fishes.


Signed,

Superdum X

Hello Euro

Here is what my husband wears, besides suits.  Khaki's, Pink button downs, navy blazer, fleece vests, loafers.  When he wears the jeans that I bought him seven years ago (he didn't own any) my kids go crazy like it's a party at our house.  So, I was really surprised when he embraced a Euro look on our trip to Capri*.  Yes, those are indeed espadrilles.  I don't know who you are, husband, but you can carry my straw bag any day.  Wearing those aviators and the Vilebrequin swimsuit.  Meow.

Love,
Kristen

*He had to buy everything he's wearing because I forgot to bring his suitcase to the airport.  It feels good to say that.

Denis

My uncle Denis was actually my husbands uncle Denis.   He was the most vibrant fun funny person ever.  And kind.  When I joined this awesome family he made me feel like I had been born into it.  And when he passed away from colon cancer hearts were broken.  His son is raising awareness and funding research and treatment for colon cancer by running in the Colon Cancer Challenge.  April 1, Central Park.

Love and miss you Denis,
Kristen

Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'

Recently on Access Hollywood, Rhianna said of being a woman: "We are reproductive machines, that's why we're here."

Seriously?  That is the only reason women are on the planet? What about getting punched in the face and sangin'?

I suppose you have to consider the source. Shut your flappin' gob and sing beyatch or I'll pop you.


Love,
Katie

I'm like...and he was all...and i go....

 (When I did a google images search of "proper pronunciation" this picture was there)

We have more useless college degrees in this country given to the most entitled and lazy generations (Y & Z). Aside from the idiot word "like" being used constantly and completely in the wrong context, people are leaving out letters.  The biggest loss to my ear is the letter "g".

It's not just regular knuckleheads, it's highly paid newscasters and actors.  Literally, I can not stomach Los Angeles news anymore because of this.  Instead of what are you doing? They say, What are you do-eeen? or Instead of happening, they say happen-eeen. George Clooney is one of the worst offenders in the Descendants and he's an old fart.

While I'm bitching, the word jewelry is pronounced jew-uhl-ry not jew-luh-ry.

One could go on and on regarding this subject, so I'll just stop now.

Stop sounding stupid.

Thanks,

Katie

Sister from another Mister

Can you tell these two apart?

and:

One is Wendy Williams. One is Tori Spelling.  Can you tell who is who?

Love,
Katie

Be careful what you wish for

When it comes to my looks, I am a youth-o-phile. (Dum made that up)  I put a lot of effort into looking younger.  Peels, creams, injections, surgeries....you've heard it all before.   Well, I was checking out my pre-teen photos and I have to say.  Holy shit NO!  I would never wish my teen self on me.  This is now:

This was the situation at ages 10, 11, and 12:

As a pre-teen all I wanted was to be a grown up.  Now I will try to remember that looking like a teen isn't always something to strive for.

Love,
Katie
(I would still rock those sweaters though.  Who doesn't love a good monogram?):

Five dolla extra...you pay now

This was the graffiti outside of the Crosby Hotel in Soho.  This cranky little effer needs some love.  Love stories can indeed suck, and although there are truly few of them....everybody wants a happy ending.  Well, at least at the Thai massage joint.

Love,
Katie

WTF Wednesdays

I know she's wearing a mess of a wig and it makes her look bat-shit crazy, but today lets focus on her eyes.

Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

How do they blink?

Love,

Kristen

Babyl-yawn

David Gray, SHAME ON YOU! You did NOT license the track "This Year's Love" for Shemp's show.

I will never be able to listen to that goat-assed voice again without thinking of Shemp's hair do and butt-head speech patterns.

Another thing, did Shemp always take Courtney on picnics?  What a drag.

And lastly, why does Shemp look like he's sucking lemons through a hose when he kisses?

Gross.

Love,
Katie

The Help is not helping

I have a history of hiring not super great cleaning ladies.  And also not firing them when they aren't so great.  I go with my heart, and that is where I get stuck.  With a dirty house.  Danuta was 105 years old and cleaned our house with a rag and a bucket of water for three years.  Most of the time she wore only her panty hose and a t shirt.  To my husbands horror.  It ended when she had a smack down with the babysitter.  So complicated.  Today when my cleaning lady left I had to send some pics to the dums.

She doesn't dust the dining room.

Or the mantle.  She doesn't dust.

There are two books, a sock and a Polly Pocket handbag under the ottoman.  And you can't see this but lots of cheerios.

I have held on because she does the laundry but it is always wrinkled and nothing is put away in the right place.  How is my plaid button up doing with the fox stole tucked in?

The stove is dirty.  The floor is dirty.  The appliances are dirty.  She's never even touched the playroom.  And after two years, I fired her today.  I guess you could say I'm cleaning house.

Love,
Kristen

The Cure-all on Canon Drive

With the summer-like weather we have been having, I checked into The Montage Beverly Hills.  The folks on the staff were gorgeous, efficient and helpful.  After popping into the 1,100 square foot, beautifully appointed Deluxe Suite, I went immediately to the pool.

85 degrees, sunny and absolutely stunning.   They have some delicious light fare poolside as well:

(90210 Cobb Salad with a crisp, refreshing glass of Sancerre)

After a perfect day in the sun, I freshened up, and went downstairs.  I was taken aback by the gorgeous flowers in the foyer:

(Flower arrangements by Squareroot)

If all of that fabulous-ness isn't enough to knock your socks off, go to the bar and have one of these:

The Montage is stellar.  Well done to Chris Olthoff and his amazing team.  Having been a patron to the Laguna location, I was delighted to have the full Montage experience in Beverly Hills.  This is a MUST stay if you are visiting L.A..  And, if you live in L.A., you should still go in for a night just because or visit their spa to "get away".  The only bad part of this dream was having to leave.

I love you Montage.

Love,

Katie

p.s. Just because Tiffany referenced my outfit in the comments of a previous post.
I'm going to post it. (I think it looks a bit like one of the skanks on the Bachelor)

Spanx for everything

Sara Blakely, you are my hero.  By helping women look and feel better about themselves, you have become Forbes youngest female billionaire.  Yay you!  There's not a self-respecting gal in America who doesn't fancy your undergarments from time to time.  When Spanx was finally added to the smoke and mirrors arsenal of make-up, hair dye, teeth bleaching, botox and spray tans, we all breathed a sigh of relief and headed to Fat Burger.  Bravo.

Love and Lady Crushes,

Tiffany

I'm so so hungry

Suzanne Collins wrote three spectacular books that they have made into films.  I'm sure, if you have even been half-paying attention, you've noticed.  

The Hunger Games is about to come out...and I'm in  a dither like a hormone-infused tween.

HOW MUCH LONGER????

Love,
Katie

p.s. I love you Cinna

Manning up Kansas City

The idea of the Kansas City Chiefs acquiring Peyton Manning is enough to get my panties in a bunch. How many ghastly seasons have I flown back for games only to have my heart broken? Not only does he rock the casbah as a QB, he is funny and sexy as a Pixar character.

I love you KC Chiefs. I love you Peyton Manning.
Please make sweet love together.

Love,
Katie

Woes me...

http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/perspective_on_motherhood_the_invisible_woman.html

Nicole Johnson... yawn.  Lady, your kids don't need to build a shrine for you, because you are building one for yourself.  Motherhood martyrdom is so boring.  You're hoping your adult children will want to come home for Thanksgiving to eat your fabulous, self-sacrificing food and wipe it from their mouths with an ironed napkin?  I'm hoping my grown-up kids will want to come home for the holidays because we will all sit by the fire, laugh, play cards and tell stories.  I guarantee you that they will want to come home because there is more love in my home than there are people to give it to...not because I lost all sense of self the second I became a mother.  And if your husband ignores you at a party, it's likely because you have been ignoring his requests for some adult conversation and fun ever since your kids came into this world.  You teach people how to treat you.  And you teach your kids the way they expect to be treated when they become parents.  Well done.  Having to choose between being a mother and being a respected and wholly fulfilled human being is completely baffling to me.

Love,
Tiffany

PS  I haven't showered today, and I am wearing 3-day-old yoga pants, flip flops and my husband's 8th grade football t-shirt.  But I also know it's a choice.  Just like when you choose to have your hair smell like peanut butter.  You're such a drag.

Fifty Shades of what is going on here?

My friend texted me a while ago to order a book called Fifty Shades of Grey on iBooks or Kindle.  She didn't really expand, just said it would be a fun distraction.  I tried for a minute but couldn't figure out iBooks on my phone (not that smart).  A while later we were talking and she said she had to finish the book she was reading.  I thought she was talking about our book club book and said, "Oh isn't that book horrible?"  She said, "No, not that book, I'm talking about my cliterature."  HA!  That may be the best hybrid word since shoptailing.  Well, I figured out iBooks immediately.  And after mentioning it to a few people I found out that this kind of twisted but in a fun way trilogy by E.L. James is sweeping the nation, one suburban housewife at a time.  Everyone I've talked to who has read them says that they 100% are having more sexy times with their husbands.  They are sexting, leaving parties early to love it up, skipping dessert.  So, I thought I would pass that along to you.  Cliterature.  Go on and get it (on).

Love,

Kristen

Can someone introduce me please?

I love the Barefoot Contessa.

She is so soothing and smiley. I want to snuggle into her ample breast and eat her decadent risotto. (Stop with your pervy minds people. Risotto is not code for anything.)

Who wouldn't want to breeze into her East Hampton estate and gain 50lbs?!

Feed me woman, feed me.

Love,
Katie

Seems as though my petals have lost their dew

Fresh flowers in my sweet cubby-like apartment always add a splash of cheer:

Until day two (insert the wah wah wah wwaaaaaaah sound):

Where can I get plastic surgery for my flowers? They are too young to look like this. Do you suppose they would respond if I crushed up some Adderall and added it to their water?

Love,
Katie