Monday, March 5, 2012

Mind Your Manners Airport Edition

I lead a blessed life and continuously get to explore different parts of the globe. Unfortunately most of this is via air travel. The behavior of the general population is confusing at best. Folks, please mind your manners.

We have all been standing in lines since kindergarten. Crowding the person in front of you while sighing with displeasure doesn't make the line move faster. It simply makes the person in front of you want to punch you in the face.

Please have your ID and boarding pass ready the second you step into the security line. Why are you fumbling through your shit when you finally reach the TSA person? Wasn't the line long enough for your brain to connect those dots?

Shoes have been scanned since 2002. Liquids have been restricted in carry-ons since 2003. Did you people awaken from a 10 year coma only to be dropped at airport security? If so, terrible joke.

You are allowed one carry on...not a rolling suitcase, 3 shopping bags, a purse, pillow and souvenirs for Timmy.

Every time you turn around and bitch slap the gal behind you with an unnecessarily overstuffed backpack (how do you forget it is attached to you?) she is cleverly thinking of ways to get away with murder.

When the gate agent announces that she's pre-boarding first class, she doesn't mean passenger 36C, who's assigned seat is back by the lavatory.

Learn some social cues and don't talk to me if my eyes are closed or my earbuds are in. And when you decide to ignore all social cues and play 20 questions, don't call me Dorothy when you find out I'm from Kansas. It makes you the most unoriginal person on Earth.

If you're in coach, you're stuck with a bag of 3 peanuts...possibly 4 pretzels. This is not a new concept. Do everyone a favor and bust the buffet at The Sizzler on your way to the airport. Then no one has to hear about how those 3 peanuts were so filling (yeah, that joke's been done too).

Moms are mortified when their babies are screaming in flight. It is not a personal affront to your comfort, so enough with the dirty looks. More times than not, that baby is more well-behaved than the morons who think the flight attendants are their personal servants.

And finally, smile. As with all mind your manners posts, why are you so fucking grouchy?



  1. My best or worst story airport manners story happened last February when I was flying across the country from what would end up being several weeks of doing that. I was exhausted from sitting vigil at my mom's bedside and just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. I happened to sit next to a germaphobe and her boyfriend and he was literally talking her off the ledge , so to speak, trying to calm her down. Well I am stuck in the window seat of a very full flight and I reached up to move the air venty thing away from my face. Well, she went off on me! Loud enough to cause the flight attendants to intercede. She accused me of invading her personal space. I said "no such thing as personal space in a cigar tube, lady" Then she accused me of being sick and breathing my sick all over her. I said " I am not sick I am just tired" and she said "why is your voice so hoarse, then?" I calmly explained that my voice was hoarse because "I had just been in a hospital for room for 6 days straight if were any of your business, lady"

    Then I told her - honest truth - that my voice was hoarse because I ate the loudmouth passenger who was seated next to me on the outbound flight and her bones were still stuck in my throat.

    I know it was bad manners- but sometimes you just can't resist.

    1. Swirl girl,

      I'm stealing the "I ate the passenger" bit. That is amazing. I love you.
      Noods-I have to keep re-reading this because I can't stop laughing. What is it about flying in coach that makes people starve?


  2. 2nd note.

    Here is one of my major beefs: If you can not LIFT your "carry on", check it. You should not have to be helped by a flight attendant or any other passenger. Take care of yourselves people. Pay the baggage fee and bugger off. Your damsel in distress crap makes me want to punch you.

    Noodle, I was pinned to the back of the Saks elevator by some douche with an overstuffed back pack. Murder.