Chandler

I don't think I'm alone when I say I dread the trips to the supermartket.  Getting the cart makes me beyond miserable.  So I just try to get in and get out.  I would even prefer to go every day with a basket to avoid that big grocery cart shop.  Cut to last Friday evening.  All three kids and it was a cart day no getting around it.  Exhausting.  So at check out I'm already over the whole thing but when I start unloading my cart my checker wasn't checking anything.  It was like he was waiting until everything was out of the cart before he would start checking me out.  My face got hot.  The kids got even more restless.  When there was no more room on the belt this transpired..

Me:  Hey, (no you can't get gum!) there's no more room, can you start ringing me up?

Chandler:  You could squeeze in a few more things.

Me:  (Jack please stop screaming and Lulu you can't cartwheel in the aisle!) Are you going to make me put everything on this belt before you start to ring me up?  Is this a slow form of torture?

Chandler:  You know what's torture is working at a supermarket when you're hungry.  Don't ever work at a supermarket when you're hungry.

Me:  Deal.  I won't ever do that.

When he finally rang up the last of my items he asked if I was taking stamps to win a casserole dish.  I said no so he took my receipt, looked around for a pen and scrawled on it like someone cares.  With a scratchy and his signature.

I can't get those minutes back.

Love,
Kristen

That is Chandlers sig on my receipt

The story of us. Thus far.

Roughly fourteen years ago I met the man who would go on to be my husband.  It wasn't an obvious fit but it all made sense to me.  He proposed in a spectacular way, surprising me while I was out seeing my brand new baby nephew/Godson in San Francisco in April of 2002.  We were married in Manchester, VT on November 19, 2002 surrounded by East and West coast friends and family.  And mud.  And rain.  Heavy rain.  We moved to London in May of 2003, me four months pregnant and him starting a new job.  Didn't know a soul.  We only had each other.  Over the next four years we had two babies, moved three times and made some forever friends.

We have since moved to New Jersey and had another baby and made more forever friends.  And as much shit as I give him on this site I would not change one thing about our life*.  Happy anniversary, Cano!

Love,
Kristen

*Except the snoring.  And the way you load the dishwasher.

Unicorn

Love,
Kristen

Conversations in Crazytown

Maisy:  Jack, pretend like we're asleep!

Jack:  Who's Ken?

Love,
Kristen

Hot tip of the day

If you ever want to not get where you are going in a timely manner get behind a car with Florida plates and a handicap parking pass.

Love,
Kristen

Conversations in Crazytown

Jack:  Mommy are cheeks and buttcheeks cousins?

Me:  Are what...oh.  Yes.

Next day...

Maisy:  Jack I have a question.

Jack:  What?

Maisy:  Are cheeks and buttcheeks cousins?

Jack:  Yep.

Maisy:  How do you know?

Jack:  Because Mommy said yes.

Love,
Kristen

Close the door

When I was a kid in California we did not have central air.  We relied on a window unit in our kitchen.  So every time you went out a door you closed it behind you.  We didn't want to cool the whole neighborhood!  Simple.  So here is something I have noticed about my husband.  He will absolutely not close a door behind him.  And in New Jersey its not even all about the expense of cooling or heating the neighborhood.  There are bugs.  Big ones.  And one million mosquitos waiting to get in that door and feast on me.  So I keep saying close the door.  But he just keeps walking.  Maybe half closes it.  And I go and close the door.  After six years in the house its really become an issue.  Which I think is so so easy to remedy.  Close.  The door.

Recently I've realized that this little tick that he has also happens in the bedroom.  He will wake up to get ready for work at 4 am and take a shower and leave the bathroom door open.  With the bright bathroom lights shining in my eyes while I try to remember that it's not my time to wake up.  So I get up and close the door.  And lie awake angry for an hour.

Please.  I know you are a good person.  Just close the door.

Love,
Kristen

TMI Tuesdays

Can you see the sheen? Having one right now.

So I'm apparently going through "the change" because I am hot flashing all over the place.  We call them the granny sweats in our house and everyone loves to play Watch Mommy Melt.  They really are a pain in the ass but if I had to pick or die five good things about hot flashes it would be:

1)  You never get that chill when you first get out of the shower
2)  People feel sorry for you
3)  Cuts your cashmere budget to practically zero
4)  When your husband steals the covers you are happy

I can only think of four.  Anyone have another positive??

Love,
Kristen

Why not? WENsdays

So I ordered WEN the conditioning cleanser that Alyssa Milano hocks and everything they say about it is true.  I'm a WEN girl now and I don't care if that is the gayest thing I could say, I would shout it from the rooftops.

The first time I used WEN (yes I'm going to keep saying WEN) I just rough dried my hair (I don't know how to use the round brush like fancy people) and immediately got comments like "Oh really?  A blow dry for a swim meet?" and "Did you just get your hair done?  Must be nice." (My friends are mean).  It's that good though!  Smooth, no frizz.  I'm going to warn that it is counter intuitive as it feels like you are rubbing conditioner into your scalp - like the opposite of cleaning it - but push past that and you will be amazed.

WEN.

Love,
Kristen

Conversations in Crazytown

Lulu:  Maisy can I have a bagel?

Maisy:  What's the magic word?

Lulu:  Lotion.

Lulu gets her bagel.

Jack:  Maisy may I also lotion have a bagel please?

Jack gets his bagel.

Me:  The magic word is lotion?

Them:  Yeah.

Love,
Kristen

So tat happened

I always figured if I ever got a tattoo it would be late one night in Hong Kong or Amsterdam or someplace foreign and slightly dangerous and I would wake up with a dragon on my back but not even realize it until the next summer when my roommate spotted it while we were laying out on the lawn.

I certainly didn't expect to get a babysitter to watch my kids for the afternoon so I could head to Tattooville in Deal with two other forty-something housewives.  No I did not.  But that's what happened.

It took 2 minutes, cost $60 (always remember to tip your tattoo artist!) and hurt like a mother.  But I love the little guy.

Love,
Kristen

I will not sleep until you call me

So Katie is going on a date with a fellow she met on the set of Nashville.  He wants to take her "hiking" at 5pm tonight in the woods somewhere in Tennessee.  This all makes me very anxious.  Plus he said just wear flip flops, it's an easy hike.  Here is what that says to me.  If you are wearing flip flops and I have on hiking boots I can catch you when you are running away from me.

Maybe I watch too much IDtv but I don't like the smell of this at all.

Bring a taser, Kate.

Love,
Kristen

Fall Fashion Faux Pas

I'm watching GMA and they are discussing what is new for fall.... here was the line up:

1.

Culottes

2.

Track Pants

3.

Patch Work Jeans

You could not have summed up my triple threat fashion nightmare any better.  These items are all opposite day of anything that works on my body. One of the most irritating things (aside from the obvious things), is that Kristen will rock all of these looks whilst looking like she isn't trying and totally cool.  I'll look like a clown.

The good news is I can stop dieting. Culottes lend themselves to hiding unsightly thighs and track pants with heels might camouflage my Kardashian butt.  Patch work jeans...really? PATCH WORK JEANS?  Oof.

Thanks for the heads up GMA.  Good luck out there everyone.

Love,
Katie

Summer car

I don't know about you but I am just limping along trying to make it until school starts.  My house is in shambles.  Piles of laundry.  Unread emails.  Unpaid bills.  Etc.  But the real story of my summer is on the floor of my car.  Here is the inventory.

300 pieces of popcorn
Ten coffee mugs
Two Blackberry chargers (I have an iPhone)
Two half eaten bags of cotton candy
Nine dirty beach towels
Three sets of tennis whites
Forty half full bottles of water
A trucker hat that says I LOVE TO SURF
A Bean bag with a platter, paper towels and parmesan cheese from two Sundays ago
Two undelivered birthday presents
Twelve items of clothing that don't belong to our family
Four McDonalds happy meal toys
A swim cap
My soul

Love,
Kristen

I need a shower and a hug

I did all of you a big solid (that doesn't sound right) tonight by watching a show called Game of Crowns.  It's about a bunch of ladies competing in the Mrs. America pageants.  And I learned a ton!  But if I had to pick my top three lessons it would be..

Don't ever ever ever wear the same traveling outfit as your pageant mentor.  Not that you would.  I think that is pretty obvious.

There is something called butt spray and I want it.

Don't do the Mrs. America pageant.

And unless you want to lose your faith in womankind don't watch this show.  It is a blood bath.  In full make up and clip on hair.

Love,
Kristen

I win

this makes me want to punch someone in the face

Sometimes Katie and I cheer each other up by out mizzing* each other.  I don't know how funny it is to normal people to talk about your bad days, but I needed to get this off my chest.  It kind of felt like Cosmic Joke on Kristen Day.

6:30  Wake up thinking it is PM and don't know where my kids are. Panic attack
6:31  Find them in their beds and realize it is AM
6:32  Text Katie
8:00  Clean up puppy vomit which is a pair of my Hanky Pankies and some brown stuff.  Dry heave
8:10  Go to check emails and find that my internet is down
12:00  Load six kids in the car to take to swim camp
2:00  Think my cleaning lady snarled at me.  Maybe that's just her face?
3:45  Pick up the six at swim camp
4:10  Am stopped while trying to exit swim camp parking lot by 15 year old lot attendant to let 400 other cars exit
4:30  Scream at 15 year old that I have six kids in my car and one is only two and he needs to let me out
4:31  Exit swim camp
5:00  The road I need to take is closed
5:20  Get lost on way to swim meet
6:15  Event #2 heat 4 and my six year old son is already over this swim meet.  Tears.  My oldest daughter is in event #46
7:45  Swim meet shut down to search for missing toddler.  Panic attack
7:55  Toddler found by the popo
8:45  Arrive home and downstairs AC isn't working
9:00  Remember that internet is down
9:30  Power goes out during Shark Tank
9:35  Text Katie

Close eyes.  Breathe deep.  Repeat forever.

Love,
Kristen

*a competition of miserableness

We Sellin' Ass

A decision has been made on my House Divided.

The winner is...CONAN O'BRIEN.  Here is what pushed it over the edge:

 Sigh.  Love.

We're not sellin' any ass lady!

Love,
Katie

A House Divided

Generally, I pride myself in making decisions.  When it comes to buying cars, I test drive a few and BAM, got it.  When I was house hunting or apartment hunting, I could see a few and BAM! Done. ( No idea why I have become Emeril in this post....just go with it)

Late night used to be dominated by the worst talent on the planet.  Big chin Leno and  Cranky old "I used to be amazing" Dave.  Both of them left me with this face:

Now there are Fallon, Kimmel AND Conan in the same time slot.  SHIT!@#$%^&*()_

They are all hilarious, fresh, genius, fun and darling.  Some would say, watch one DVR the other two. That seems like it's not right...I have to PICK! 

I'm going to need to take a day and watch them each for four hours and then decide. Don't worry, I'll get back to you. ( Time well spent)  BAM!

Love,
Katie

Conversations

Maisy:  Jack, you don't have the whole story.

Jack:  Thank you.  Is that good or bad?

Maisy:  I'm just saying you don't have the whole story.

Jack:  Thank you.

Love,
Kristen

Why not? Wednesdays: dye your eyebrows

My love affair with my own eyebrows began in 1994 when a gal at the MAC counter in the Sherman Oaks Galleria offered to fill mine in with a powder called "Bark".  It was revolutionary and after that it was game on for all sorts of brow manipulation.  Tweezing, filling in, even shaping from the one and only Anastasia of...Anastasia fame.  And I'm not going to lie my brows were a pretty big deal back then.  I have since cut back my routine to not ever doing anything.  Except maybe the odd stray tweeze (while doing my whiskers - sorry) and the fill in on a special day.  I'm just too old and lazy.  But I still crave those lush dark brows!  Enter eyebrow dye.  I tried it mainly because I was going on a few hot wet steamy trips and I didn't want to deal with Bark.  And yes I looked like Groucho Marx for the first 72 hours but I didn't really mind that because it was funny.  And now my brows are perfectly Bark and I never even need to think about it!  I am a lifer, friends.

Love,
Kristen

Bed fellows

Did you know that when you buy a king size bed in the UK you actually get an American queen?  Hmmm.  Well, this is what we did when we bought our first bed. Eight years ago .
 And yes it was too small for us but at the time we thought "cozy" and "sweet" and we didn't mind that much that there was no way to sleep in it without our bodies touching in at least one spot.

Cut to present day and two kids with a newfound need to climb into said bed in the wee hours.  So now, instead of our sleeping arrangement just being annoying, it is borderline dangerous (last night I dislocated my shoulder making room for the fourth body.  And once Jack had to grab onto my neck skin to keep from falling out).  I can't believe they are more comfortable with this than they are in their own beds.  I certainly am not.

Uncle.

Love,
Kristen

A Welcome Warning

 There are some warning labels that are just annoying or overkill, I rarely even notice them or read them.  For some reason, when I made reservations to go to Employees Only in New York, I looked at the menus online and saw this at the bottom:

I've never worried about eating things raw or uncooked in my life.  For some reason this struck me.  When something jumps out at you....heed the advice.

Unfortunately, I had the "made tableside" tartare with a raw egg on top.  Not many hours later, I like Dummy in Barthelona (for Rick),  had full blown twirlies.  I don't know if any of you have ever had food poisoning...it is VIOLENT.  One has to stay actively seated on the toilet whilst filling trash cans with Gatorade you can't keep down.

The upside:  I lost 5 lbs that didn't come back.  In fact, I am down 8lbs now.

Thank you Employees Only.  You jump started my diet.

Love,
Katie

Travel Tuesdays: Rx

Vegas, 2012

The summer of my junior year in college I took a little European backpack trip.  At the last minute my mom gave me some Immodium to pack and at the time I thought it was silly.  Cut to me in a shared bathroom of a cheap hotel in Barthelona* with a gunshot case of the twirlies.  I thought I would die right there on the dirty tile floor.  Then I remembered the Immodium.  I crawled back to my room and took two.  When I say that stuff saved my life that night I am not being dramatic.  Which brings me to the Never Ever Travel Without list.  Mine is short.

Immodium.  See above.
Advil.  Seems obvious but I have probably spent hundreds at airports and hotel shops on this stuff and on a recent girls trip to Miami I was the only one carrying.  My stash lasted a day and a half.  Why does everyone forget Advil?
Gas X.  Also saved me in Vail one summer.  I almost jumped out of a moving car to make the pain stop.  When you feel like someone is stabbing you in the back take Gas X.
Pepcid ac.  Saved me in Turks and Caicos when I thought I had a bleeding spleen tumor (I saw a doctor and everything) but I really just had a bad tummy.
Calcium, Magnesium and Vitamin D.  Sometimes I have trouble sleeping when I'm traveling.  Whether it is the time change or adrenaline or the pressure to get extra sleep.  Who knows.  But this magical cocktail from my acupuncturist sorts me out.  Also Melatonin for that extra punch to the face that is insomnia.

The thing is I almost never need any of this in my regular life.  And its prob all expired.  But I fear pack it anyway.  Am I missing anything?  Except maybe I shouldn't travel?

Love,
Kristen

*That's for you, Rick

One Isn't the Loneliest Number

My sister Amy came home, got in bed at the end of a hideous day and said,

"Dear Lord, thank you for my bed and that I don't have to share it with a man that would judge me for the time I spend in it."

Well said sister...well said.

Love,

Katie

Dog rights

Growing up we always had dogs.  And I never had a problem demanding things from them.  Love, affection, obedience.  But now that we have one of our own I feel kind of guilty for putting all of my dog love needs on him.  Like maybe I'm taking advantage of the fact that I'm the human and the boss of him.  For example I will wake him up to snuggle.  Or I will make him sit for a hug when he just wants to play.  I have been known to hold him bodily in my lap until he gives up trying to get away.  And I'm getting a read that he doesn't enjoy this lovefest as much as I do.  Do I back off?  Or do I love on him until he bites me?  Am I breaking his spirit with my neediness?

Love,
Kristen

Does this upset you? It upsets me.

In my quest to become less sarcastic and more earnest like my friend Wendy who's humor and straightforwardness I admire greatly, I did not call this post "Wow how did you fit all of those dishes in there? #superefficient #skills"

I am obsessed with organization and efficiency.  I want to know the best place to put the wooden spoon or the cheese grater or the guest bedding.  I want to know how to store my Halloween decorations so I can find them next year.  Or where to put my marriage license.  I think about this stuff all. The. Time.  And the sad bit is that I am HORRIBLE at it.  I will order twelve different sized storage bins and then get paralyzed by my options and end up putting everything in Hefty bags.  When I got my P-Touch (the universal symbol for anal retentive) I thought it made sense to put it in my china cabinet (?) and then couldn't find it for six months.  I will look for a copy of my living will and instead find every utility bill from 2003.  And so on.

I just have backwards-itis when it comes to organization and it kills me.  But even I know that this is the worst possible way you could load that dishwasher.

Love,
Kristen

PS.  I took them all out and reloaded approx thirty more dirty things.

Don't hate me because I look like I hate you

I don't know what it says about me that I think about my facial expression when I am out in public.  That I want to appear pleasant and easy going and approachable.  I'm not super out going but I am friendly and it occurs to me that if I won't make eye contact with people at least I can look like I would be nice to you if you said hello.  Because I would!

Anyway I have a friend who is the sweetest thing on the planet but she always has Bitchy Resting Face* and people who don't know her just assume she is a grumpy hater.  And I have defended her on a number of occasions because it's something that people notice and mention to me.  That is just how her face looks, I say.  She is as sweet as the day is long.

Do I tell her?  I think that would just make her self conscious..?

Love,
Kristen

*Maisy has it too

Morgan sister silliness

For those of you who are not friends with Katie on Facebook (are there people who aren't?) this is what she has been up to while I've been diligently writing posts.

See what I did there?  I got her to do a post without actually doing one.

Love,
Kristen

Pears or no pears? A pressing matter

I am struggling trying to decide between two wallpapers for this little breakfast nook/desk area in the house.  My family is no help as they are divided exactly in half in their opinions.  So I'm looking for some other voices.  The paper is Woods by Cole and Son and one is just woods and the other is woods with metallic gold pears hanging off.  I like the graphic-ness of the just woods but I also like the touch of fancy glamour of the pears.

I am completely stuck.  Can anyone help me with this or do I toss a coin and hope for the best?

Love,
Kristen

Whatever happened to school?

I'm from California where we went to school five days a week every week from September until June.  We had a week off for Christmas Vacation (oops I said Christmas!) and a week off for Easter Vacation (oh no now I'm really busted) and that was it.  I do think there was a President's Day.  But that's it!  That was all.

Today is day ten of no school with the exception of last Wednesday.  Between snow days and President's Day and half days and delayed openings and Winter Break (WTF is this for??) my kids haven't had a full week of school since before Thanksgiving.  They are all going to need to repeat a grade.

Sometimes kids should go to school.

Love,

Kristen

Hot tip of the week/Gooperdum

I don't consider myself a bossy person.  I think I've only yelled once on this blog.  About mammograms.  But if you live where it snows you need to buy these boots.  I have done the research (read: bought lots of other boots) and I can tell you that the search has ended for the perfect pair of snow boots.  My journey began here...

The Ugg boot

Acquired in California (where they were worn with cutoffs and a bikini top, duh) and perfectly cozy unless it's wet.  If it's wet you are wearing sponges on your feet.

Next up...

The wellie

Acquired in London and great for rainy days but no insulation and the knee length makes them tricky with anything but a skinny jean or leggings.

So we went to...

The shearling lined lace up Sorel

In theory the perfect boot.  Cozy and sturdy and ankle length.  In reality they are clown shoes.

Maybe the classic Bean boot is the answer?

Close but tying laces is a pain when you are running in and out of the house thirty times a day (we have a puppy).

Which brings us to...

The Thinsulate lined Sorel pull on boot!

It has everything!  Easy access, cozy lining, waterproof, ankle length, midget bowling, Chilean huffers, lug suits...

Love,
Gwyneth Stefon Kristen

Are you gonna shave tonight?

photo from Bravotv

This is for real how my kids sing the hit song "Are You Going To Stay The Night".  (Hit song makes me laugh.)  And my answer is a firm no because I was just waxed.  Brazilian too.  That's right.

So, there I was.  Naked from the waist down.  Clammy (pun intended).  Getting ready for the wax lady to rip my hair out by the root.  And I'm no rookie.  I've been down this road.  Which is why I think I would be an awesome waxer.  You have to experience it to really understand how you as a waxer can help or hurt the process.  For example they should always pull the skin taut.  Also, just rip once, don't tug tug tug.  After the first strip I asked my lady if she had ever been waxed.  Because I already knew the answer.  No!  No!  She doesn't wax which makes her the worst waxer ever.  I'm going to stop saying waxer now.  Except for this.  I think waxers should be required to be waxed as part of their training.  Waxers.

Love,
Kristen

Baby it's cold outside, let's kill our marriage

Remember that time when there was an ice storm and we had a key party?  No, you don't because that shit is crazy. Who ever thought that key parties were just the thing?  Did someone say, "Hey, why don't you hook up with my best friend and I'll hook up with that dude from around the corner and it will be super funny"???  I don't even want to play that in a game of Would You Ever.  If you ever would you best keep that to yourself.  Why not just call it I want to divorce you very soon.

Today there's like eight feet of snow where I live.  Polar vortex and all that nonsense.  And now you know what I haven't been up to.

Love,
Kristen

PS This is an alarming example of the influence Hollywood has over my perceptions - as soon as the temps drop below freezing I assume everyone is wife swapping.  You could show me pictures of neighbor friends in bed together with a date stamp of July and I would not believe it.  Photoshopped!  But come winter, everyone is jumping into bed together.  Of course they are, I say to myself, it's very very cold.  And I saw the movie.