Conversations in Crazytown

Lulu, A Dog and Jeff

Maisy has named all of the pets in our house.  There is Jerry the Betta fish.  Our two Guinea pigs Carlos and Bruce.  She has even renamed Zimmer.  We all mostly call him "A Dog" now.  As in "do you think A Dog is going to like his new food bowl?"

So it was really no surprise when this transpired.

Me:  Maisy, do you think it's bad luck to name our fig tree..

Her:  Jeff.  Wait, what were you saying?

Me:  Nothing.

Love,
Kristen

Genius winter item

Why has it taken so long for me to find the sleeveless sweater?  I've looked for years and when I finally found it I ordered five for obvious reasons.  It keeps your core warm.  It looks cute under coats.  It doesn't add arm bulk.  I broke out my first of the season today and Maisy said, "Mom you are rocking the Duggar look".  That messes with my mojo for sure but I still like the practicality of it.....aaaand my mojo just took it's last breath.

Love,
Kristen

Conversations in Crazytown

Me:  Today is the last day of the circus.  And guess what?  You can ride elephants.

Maisy:  Real ones?

Me:  Yep.

Her:  Can you feed them Mexican food?  Cause that is like number one on my bucket list.  Feeding an elephant Mexican food.

Me:  (internal voice: why does it always have to go like this?)  Anything specific?  Nachos?

Her:  I was thinking rice and beans.

Love,
Kristen

Smell like your season

Fun fact.  I like a seasonal scent.  And the more obvious the better.  Lavender in the summer.  Pine in the winter.  Right now is prime Campfire! season.  And I try to coordinate the smelly things in my house like diffusers and candles and dish soap.  So I've compiled a list.  Here, my friends, is Campfire!

Candle - Diptyque Feu de Bois (all you really need - nails it)
Kitchen soap - Caldrea Plum Bergamot Clove (Amazon sells it and it's amazing)
Perfume - Jo Malone Wild Fig and Cassis (the personal scent equivalent of Feu de Bois)

The Olsen twins just look like a campfire would smell.  Smoky, wooly, slightly damp.

Love,
Kristen

My spirit animal

When I got the CB2 Lenny Kravitz catalog I almost wet myself.  I have had a hardcore lifestyle crush on LK since 1991.  He was the cassette tape soundtrack to my European backpack summer trip.  It was me, my college roommate and LK on the walkman.  We laughed.  We cried.  We shared earbuds.  We were robbed on the sleeper train between Barcelona and Marseille.  But that is a story for another time.

It is now 2015 and I am no less in love with the idea of being LK.  I don't even care that he recently split his leathers and showed us his *Sunday dinner.  I want it all.  The hair.  The piercings.  The tats.  The booties.  Everything in his fake apartment.

Yes, Lenny.  I'm going to go your way.

Love,
Kristen

*meat and two veg

A little culture for your Friday

Maisy being pensive

My eleven year old daughter has a flair for free form poetry (that's poetry that isn't poetry).  Here is one she wrote for her sister.

Louise

A gift born into

the world

Not a bomb

or a good luck charm

the middle of that

Louise

Love,

Kristen

Icky thoughts Thursdays

Did this picture give anyone else a wincing head tilt moment?  I know that Cindy and her son are NOT in love but they kind of look like they are but I know they're NOT but...and so on.

Love,
Kristen

Spencer Stone (cold fox)

So very proud of the three Americans that tackled and beat the shit out of the terrorist who wanted to kill everyone on a train from Amsterdam to Paris.  My husband and I were reading the story and watching the videos yesterday.

Me:  Spencer is going to get...

Him:  ... so much A (A is code for ass when our kids are within hearing distance = always)

Me:  Right?  Hero A is so much better than even rockstar A.

Go on and get that hero A, Spencer.

Love,
Kristen

Bring In My Blue Apron

There may be nothing more anxiety riddled than the grocery store. This past Monday (MONDAY for God's  Sake) I had returned from NYC and I was in dire need of stocking the house.  It was absolutely mandatory that I make a trip to Publix (my grocer of choice).  I thought it couldn't possibly be that bad at 4:30pm on a Monday afternoon....and for all intents and purposes, it wasn't.... but it was.  There are a list of major irritations that always exist at any time in grocery store:

*Creepy guy in biking shorts that keeps "happening" to be on your aisle
*Aggressive woman up your ass with her cart
*Dirty-ish kid with a cold or flu of some sort
*Carts in the middle of any aisle while the owner ponders the 3000 choices of cereal
*Some lady that is clearly on your same path and grumpy with said filthy/ill kids
*Special Needs employee that is all too eager to help
and
*Annoying people in the check out line again with badly behaved children or 5 billion things in their cart

Enter Blue Apron.  This company sounds like a dream come true.  $60/week and they send 3 meals for 2 people.  So, that is 6 meals for me.  Perfect.  All the ingredients, recipes and fresh produce and proteins.  Why in the HELL wouldn't I do this?  I'm going to get on it and I'll let you know how it goes.

Love,
Katie

Cry For Help: Nashville Edition

I love to travel. LOVE IT.  When I do, it usually looks a lot like this:

However, after a 7-10 day trip...when I get home I feel like this:

That feeling can last anywhere from 3-5 days.  After that, there is about a week of normalcy  and I start all over again.  It's hard to integrate into Nashville while snuggled in bed with Juan Carlos (not pictured here) watching "True Detective".  Nor does it help that I am shuffling around my neighborhood in my jammies looking like Howard Hughes (in his later years) walking said dog.

All of this is a cry for help to my fellow Nashvillians.  Get me out of my pjs.

Love,
Katie

Dread Head

When I wake up in the morning it feels like I am under a lead blanket of dread.  There is absolutely no reason for this except I despise the act of getting up in the morning.  Some would say I was depressed....I'm not.  Once I get going I'm fine.

Juan Carlos forces me to get up and walk and feed him and once that process is done,  the dread is gone.  When I had a part time job (that was really a full time job) I also had the dread, until I got there and got into the swing.

It is absolutely mandatory for someone like me to have a dog or a job or we will literally never leave the bed. Again, do not misunderstand this for depression, it's just a massive love for my bed and a disdain for the morning.

The one exception to this rule is being in a hotel like Trump Soho.  You can roll over and hit this "wake" button and the shades pull back, the lights come on and the day greets you.  Also, room service will bring me poached eggs and coffee.  But since that doesn't exist at home.  Dread it is.

p.s. do NOT ever contact me before 10 am unless it is with coffee,  breakfast in hand and you are opening all my plantation shutters.

Love,
Katie

Paralyzed By Design

This photo gives me a panic attack

One would assume that because I am creative that I can translate that into my interior design.  Um, they would be wrong.   In the past I have joked around about looking paralyzed however, when it comes to decorating or designing my home, I am 100% unable to make a single move.  I just stare blankly at white walls....then open a bottle of wine and call it.

My sister Amy has had to come out multiple times to sort out basics for me.  And although I have bought some beautiful pieces from Grace Home, I haven't the slightest what to do with them when they arrive.

It's been over a year and my dining room still looks like this:

 I literally took that picture 30 seconds ago.



Clearly it's time to hire a designer.

Um, Amy Stinson, it's time to get back to Nashville.

Love,
Katie

PPV Review Installment #4

Movie: John Wick

Starring:

*Keanu "I get sexier with every passing minute" Reeves
*Alfie " You scare me but I want to shag you" Allen
*William "my face looks like rubber, but no one is cooler than me" Dafoe and last but not least
*Daisy "the most darling beagle in history" the dog.

This film KILLED. Literally.  It was not unlike one of my other favorites, "Man on Fire". (I really like when the protagonist kills everyone)

"John Wick" did not disappoint in this arena, and unlike a lot of TV shows and films now, they don't make you go through painstaking fight scenes.  He just kicks every ones' asses, kills them and moves on.

The moral of this story:  Don't mess with someone's dog.....especially John Wick's (or mine for that matter)

This was 110% worth the $5.99 it cost to rent.

Love,
Katie

Deaf and distracted

We take a trip every August with my brother and his family who live in California.  He has two boys and our kids don't historically get along.  Which I'm fine with.  The point is that once a year they have to hang out with their cousins.  And every year I feel like it gets a little better between them.  So in prep for the trip Maisy says to me:

Do you think that he (cousin) will think I've matured?

Me:  Why would he think that you're a turd?  You might have been a turd last year but I think you're on the right track now and he's going to see that...

Maisy:   Mommy!

Me:  What?  Oh!  Yes he's going to think you've matured.  No ones a turd.  Sorry.

Love,
Supermom

Dear men

"Wow, he must be really well hung" said no woman ever upon seeing your monster truck/muscle car/crotch rocket.  Just a heads up.

Love,
Kristen

Violated

Remember that time when your ac was out and you were trying to sleep but your boyfriend/husband/giant child wanted to snuggle?  And the touch of them on your body made sweat drip off of your face?  That's what it feels like in New Jersey today.  If that air clings to me for one more second I'm going to get a restraining order.

Love,
Kristen

Giving is a sliding scale

Once upon a time there was a man who needed a kidney transplant and his brother in law (let's call him my brother Rick) volunteered to give him one.  The End.

This tale has garnered a few responses.  The first one is from my husband:

Wow.  I won't even give my brother in law a ride to work.

The second is from our friend Large:

I gave my brother in law the finger once.  In front of his kids.

We all give what we can.

Love,
Kristen

Being content is so boring

I googled "Entitled Bored People" and this came up

My sister Amy is the one I turn to for counsel on a regular basis.  Recently she returned my call and this is how it went.

Amy: I had a terrible day, I'm exhausted

Me: I'm totally jealous

Amy: Of my shitty day? Um, what?

Me: Yes, I have nothing to complain about it's totally boring. What can we giggle about?

Amy: Well, you can complain about not having anything to complain about.

(Insert cocktail fueled giggles here)

Problem solved.

Love,

Katie

Let Your New Life Begin Call 1-800- Get-Thin

After my recent bout of plastic surgery, (I'll update you all on of that later) I was down for about 6 weeks.....something like that, I can't be sure.

Anyway, you can't exercise because it raises your blood pressure, so instead I filled that time with cheeseburgers.  I put on exactly 15 lbs from the time of the surgery. They were baffled....almost impressed.  Like, how in the HELL were you able to pack on the pounds like that.  I blew up like a f*#king tick.

He told me I needed to take the weight back off for true results but not to freak out.  So, I've been going the healthy route: exercise, clean eating and of course, martinis.  I've dropped 10.  It's not happening fast enough. (Being over 40 sucks balls)

Perhaps it's time to throw in the towel and see if I can get a lap band.  I've seen it work wonders on some friends.  (Will they do that for 5-10lbs?)

Love,
Katie

19 kids and kill me

This show has always annoyed the hell out of me. And my daughters looove it. Obsessed. So when I found out that Josh was a child molester I thought in equal parts yes! I knew there had to be something wrong here and oh those poor girls. It really should have been ten percent outrage and 90 percent compassion. Apparently I am not a perfect person. But maybe when you make 19 people you will get a bad apple. See, here I go again.

Judging you,
Kristen

Dear daughters of mine

Just because you found it in the river does not mean that it is sea glass.

Even if you put it in a jar and call it a collection.

That is the bottom half of a forty.  Can we just please stop the charade?

Love,
Mommy

What's up us? Wednesdays

Katie and I don't lead scintillating lives (Katie does sometimes).  And we don't always have something to be proud of....but getting over 82,000 views on our little blog will do just fine.  Huge thanks to everyone that stops by and checks in.

Love,
Kristen

Deep thoughts

I tried to pay attention the other day to where my brain lands on a daily basis. And I don't know how to do a pie chart so I'm just going to make a list.

Why are they all screaming?
What am I going to do with that sofa?
What smells is that still the fridge?
They are going to yell at me at the groomers.
How come idtv has zero new programming?
I need to put the laundry away.
We need food.
How can I get out of making dinner?
How much longer?
Why does my computer hate me?
Shit, thank you notes.
What is Katie doing?
I need to start caring about my appearance.
That's not the fridge it's me.

Love,
Kristen

Twofer Tuesdays: Conversations in Crazytown

Me:  We don't need anymore problems.

Jack:  I have meatballs.

And later...

Maisy:  I want to love you but your blood relatives say no.  Que habla?

It's impossible to can.

Love,
Kristen

Dogs, kids and an unexpected laugh

Maisy doing safety stance

My adorable niece Tatum is obsessed with our giant puppy Zimmer.  This weekend she was desperate to take him for a walk but he is super strong and not a great walker so I went with.  After ten steps she let go of his leash because "Zimmy wanted to run free".  And run free he did.  For blocks.  After he love attacked an older woman and a man with his child he finally stopped to pee on someones lawn and we were able to grab his leash again.  He wasn't hit by a car.  The innocent bystanders didn't sue me.  All was right at the end.  But there was a moment when after the older woman who walks around our block on the daily, who I've never seen with a smile on her face, stopped in the road with a safety stance (very still with your arms crossed over your chest) felt safe again and began walking toward me and I said my sorries and then yelled "Tatum this is a debacle!" and the lady started laughing.  And that was maybe the high point of my day.*  Not only because I was relieved she didn't yell at me but also because I cracked that hard nut and got a chuckle.  That's the best.

Love,
Kristen

*And the fact that Zim lived, obvs.

Things you never thought anyone would do. Mondays.

Post injection lobe

Katie and I talk about new developments in our appearance from time to time.  My comments are usually like hey I look old why are you so cute?  And she's always like get some botox and some Juvederm and stop being a hippie pussy...you could be cute too.

I know she is beauty savvy.  She knows her way around a plastic surgeons office.  But I was (surprisingly) surprised when she told me recently that she had put filler in her earlobes.

Me:  What?  Why?  Were they aging you?

Katie:  (sent me the picture above)

Me:  Oh my they look amazing.

Katie:  Right?

My hair is thinning and I pee when I run so I clearly have bigger problems but I have to say her earlobes are fantastic.  I want to say seventeen year old cheerleader earlobes.

Love,
Kristen

Empire Strikes Back

The morning after doing a 13 episode binge of Empire....

6am :

Juan Carlos leaps from the bed, does a couple "down dogs" and stares at me.

Me:  (in the voice of Cookie)  Damn dog you crazy.  Get back to bed.

JC:  (in the voice of Luscious)  Oh HELL no!  I wasn't AAAALLL up in the BOURBON while watchin' Empire ....GET YO ASS UP.  I GOTTA PEE.

Me:  (Cookie won't leave) DAMN.  AIGHT AIGHT.  Don't call the po leese.  Shit.

I get up and walk him in my jammie's.  And The Lyons go back to sleep and my thoughts return to my own voice.

Damn you Cookie. Damn you Luscious.  Damn you Empire.

I love you.

Love,
Katie

Muberer

I take Uber everywhere. All of the time. And I love it. Think its genius. But I still have those moments when I'm thinking, " wow this could go horribly wrong." 

Example.

Uber driver:  What is your address?

Me:  Don't you already have it?  I sent it with the request.

Uber driver:  Yes.

Me:  Then just go there.

Starts driving, clearly high.

When we get to a 2 mile straight away, he keeps stopping at green lights.

Me:  Um, it's green...go.

Uber driver tries to take a right down murder alley.

Me:  What are you doing?  We have 2 miles to go on this road before you take a right on Estes, you do know I know where I'm going, right?

Uber driver:  No response

At this point I call Dummy for a witness.

Me:  So where are you from?

Uber driver:  Haiti.

Dummy(on the phone):  Did he just say Haiti?  I'm thinking hatey.  Make him spell it.  Do you have your taser?

Feeling sympathetic, I ask how long he has been here....

Uber driver: 20 years.

What is your take on this people?  Murderer? (that is what I am leaning toward).  Or just massive stoner that has never picked up the lay of the land in the short 2 decades he has been here?  Either way,  I think the lesson is:  Don't let your guard down in an Uber.  And always always bring a taser.

Love,
Katie

Girls as moms

I love the idea of Jessa from Girls being a mom.  Here is how I see a conversation going down.

Daughter:  Mom, Daisy didn't even talk to me today.  She likes Ollie and now she won't speak to me.

Jessa:  Um.  Right.  Well, I went through a phase when I was your age and I was shagging Jordan from Essex (did I tell you about him?) whilst he was shagging Elsie (not the cow although she was a cow).  And then I just stopped.  And it sorted itself out, love!  I actually just ran into Elsie and we had Mocha Lattes and had a laugh about Jordan's bits.  It all works out.  Let's have a cuddle.  Okay, Mummy has to go now but if you have anymore feelings tell Angela and we will speak about it in the morning.  I know it's hard to be eleven.  Eleven was my first worst year.

Love,
Kristen