Get in the car

This means different things to different people. For me it means get in the car.  For my son it means stand on the porch.  For my daughter it means lean against the car.  I must say it fifteen times between 7:18 and 7:19 am.  Get in the car.  Standing in entry with door open.  Get in the car.  Porch standing.  Get in the car.  On the lawn.  Get in the car.  Open car door.  Get in the car.  Fight with legs hanging out of car.  And so on.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if we didn't need to leave to meet the bus at exactly 7:20 in the morning. Maybe I need to build in time for differences of opinion on the meaning of the command.

Love,
Kristen 

Made out of Sugar

On my last trip, we visited London and India.

While in London, I had a lovely lunch with my friend Davie.

He is a 200+lb Scotsman with a glorious brogue.  It was raining outside (shocker) and I had a brolley and was full on ducking out of the rain.  He boomed at me "Whooots th proooblem??? Your'd noot mead ooout of shoooogarrr!" (Translation: What's the problem you're not made out of sugar?)  My other favorite thing that he said to me was " I've flushed things that weigh more than you". 

Love it. Love him.

Cut to India:

I packed properly for London...well mostly.  And I figured it would be hot in India....but I have no swimsuit, no short pants, no skirts. Just jeans.  HOT AS BALLS JEANS.  We are out by the pool and I have to sit in the shade under fans to not melt. And I'm still melting.  Of course, there is NOTHING I can buy here to remedy this.  It seems I WAS actually turning into sugar in the unbearable heat.  Every Dengue fever infected mosquito wanted a piece of me.

 Ugh.

Off to Canada next.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Love,
Katie

I went crazy over the weekend. What did you do?

You know those things in life that you imagine doing and think about a lot but when the day finally comes you feel so impulsive and cray?  Like you may have wanted to buy a motorcycle since you were fifteen and even though you are now fifty when you buy that thing it's like what the what?  Who am I??  Have I lost my mind??  I don't even have a license!  Why did they let me take this?  What am I going to do with it?  Or you always wanted to own a bar.  Or get a tatoo.  Or quit your job and move to Belize.  And you think about it all the time but if you actually take that step it somehow seems so unlike you.  There are not many of those moments in life but I had two this past weekend.  The first was on a very small scale (not in terms of pain).

The second was on a bigger scale.

I woke up on Monday with a puppy and a third hole.  Feeling like a weird different person.  In the best way.  What's your thing?

Love,
Kristen

Things I shouldn't admit Thursdays

I hate to shower.  For me it feels like a chore.  Because there's the waiting for the water to get hot and the getting undressed.  I'm already exhausted.  Then the exfoliating, the conditioner, the shaving.  And you still are not out of the shower.  Then it's the moisturizing and the finding clean underwear.  Blow drying.  I mean who has time for this??  So when it gets cold enough that I can wear this on my head all day long I get really excited because I can scratch showering off my to do list for days.  Thank you knit hat.  Smell ya me later.

Love,
Kristen

Confessions of a mum hater, part 2

I think it's pretty remarkable that there are two posts with this title and they are entirely unrelated.  In this case I mean "mum" in the English sense.

Recently my 6 year old (the notorious mama's boy) has been going through something where he thinks he might want a different mom and he feels compelled to tell me this on the regular.  He just needs to get it off his chest.  Our daily exchanges go something like this:

Him:  Mommy can I talk to you in private?
Me:  Sure, babe.
Him:  I was just thinking that maybe I want (insert name of real or fictional person here) to be my mommy.
Me:  Ok.  Well.  Thanks for letting me know.
Him:  You're welcome.*

For the most part I try to be completely unreactive.  I know that's not a word.  I don't want to make a big deal about it.  I say things like "it's okay to have those thoughts" or "you really don't need to tell me everything you're thinking".  But what I really want to say is you're welcome for pushing all nine (mostly head) pounds of you out and then carrying you around on my body for five years.  Dick.

Love,
Kristen

*he is really polite

All Good ( Or Bad ) Things Must ......

This picture embodies how I am feeling about a lot of situations

Anyone that knows me knows my love interest situation as I've never tried to hide it, lie about it or make it into something that it wasn't.

 You also know that I have the greatest dog in the land.

Dolly in a fleeting happy moment

Well, everything in life gets old.  Relationship situations, dogs....us.  This all sounds morbid, but it's just how shit goes.  You fall in love, do or do not squeeze out a couple of ankle biters, time passes and yaawwwwwwwn. 

My fat ass dog is the same.  I fell in love 14 years ago (when she was 1) we've been a power couple for 14 years and now she is cray cray.  Literally cray cray.  She's going to have to go the big farm soon.  So might my relationship.

You just have to know when it's time to put something down.

When do you call it?

Today is not the day.  I'm going to have another cocktail and get back to you.

Love,
Katie

Buffalo Knuckle?

When Mariah Carey's stylist allowed her to go onstage in that gnarly camel toe jumpsuit not a soul let it slip by.

Then cut to:

My new boyfriend, Luke Bryan, starts wearing the skinniest jeans I have ever seen on a man.

Now, he is sexy as all get out....but my quandry is with the lack of a buffalo knuckle.  For those of you that do not know what this is...it's the equivalent of a camel toe on a dude.  It's usually a dodgy ball split. There will be cock and one ball on one side and just a ball on the other. (Unless you are Lance Armstrong)

Where in the hell are his nuts? Where is his pee pee?

LUKE I LOVE YOU...WHERE IS YOUR PEE PEE????  You must have some teensie nuts, but I still love you.

Actually I love you more as huge nuts are a turn off.

Love,
Katie

Warden?

I so wish I had written this.

http://keep0smiling.blogspot.com/2013/08/10-ways-living-with-toddler-is-like.html?m=1

I don't even have a toddler and it's still 100% true.

Love,
Kristen

In the Nick of Vine

You know you are getting old when all you use is Facebook.  My nieces and nephews have alerted me that it's for "old people".  Just when I feel like I've become an aficionado at something, they pull the rug out from under me.  Thus, this brings me to Vine.

There is some funny ass stuff on there.  My vines pretty much blow, but follow my ass anyway:
 vine://user/933970613108899840

Okay, now that I have literally just started getting my freakishly small head around vines, I'm told that now it's all about Instagram.  WTF?  SERIOUSLY???  I hate everyone.....but I'm on there.... so follow my ass anyway on that shit too:  KATHERINEMORGAN2013   (stupidest handle ever)

I think my favorite filters are EarlyBird and Amoroso or some shit like that.

If someone tells me there is some new fucking app I have to start posting to...I will cut them.

Love,
Katie

Shine on!

Set your DVRs people!  After Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, I thought I could never be satisfied again....then I stumbled onto Moonshiners.

With gems like Tim and Tickle:

Tim is in the hat, Tickle is driving...totally sober

Jim Tom:

He and my mom have the same dentist

and Mark and Jeff:

Although they look totally normal, when they speak that goes away

I may just pack up the Audi and head for the hills in North Carolina.  They are producing some quality shit.

You are welcome.

Love,
Katie

At least there's that

Tonight we had Breakfast for Dinner! and just as I'm taking off my apron and shutting down the griddle my son asks for more bacon.

Me:  Ugh.  How much more are you thinking?
Him:  A hundred.
Me:  I'm thinking four.
Him.  Ten.
Me.  Two.
Him:  Okay four.

Wow, that was easy.

I texted my husband about it.

We all have our thing.

Love,
Kristen

Kiss Me Tyrion

If you know me intimately enough, you know one of my dirty little secrets:

For a long while, since about my early 20's to be exact, I developed achonroplasiaphobia. (Fear of midgets).  This shit is legit.  You start sweating, shaking and can go into a panic attack.  It doesn't make any sense and I can not pinpoint why it started.  The one comfort is that I actually know someone else who has this! My ex-brother-in-law.

Anyway, Chelsea Handler had been the pioneer of my overcoming this phobia, as I love Chuy.  But the newest little dude on the scene that has stolen my heart  is Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage...the name Dinklage is too much).   Not only do I feel free from the phobia, I would like to make out with him.  He may make me have a Little Person fetish, although I think it may be specific to him.

I really want to be in the House of Lannister, or rather I'd like him in my "house".  Damn.

If you haven't started watching Game of Thrones, get a few bottles of scotch, clear your weekend and do a marathon.  You won't be sorry.

You are welcome.

Katie

p.s.  Peter Dinklage looks like one of Dummy's ex boyfriends

Sad state of our hairs

I had a haircut a while ago and Katie was there to witness.  It was my first cut in maybe a year so I was hoping it would be a great sassy change.  It wasn't.  Katie was particularly horrified.  She said,"I would cry if I didn't know that your hair will be down to your boobs again in three months."  Let's hope.  In the meantime it's up in a pony and I'm down $300.  Haircuts are stupid.

Love,
Kristen

PS this is Katie before she had it all chopped off.  We both had issues.

I'm not judging

This could happen to any of us.  You are going out drinking with your gay friends.  You are on your period.  Maybe that's why you choose the black thong.  And you just assume that you will remember to tuck in the string and pull down the liner on your completely see-through dress after your final pee of the night.  And then this happens.  Ultimately it just comes down to bad planning.  My sincere sympathies, Brandi Glanville.  And a warning to us all.

Love,
Kristen

Shagalicious.0

 It would seem that I have arrived very late on the Tosh.0 bandwagon, but better late than never.  This guy has taken funny to a whole new level for me.  I can be coaxed into a chuckle fairly easily, but this sexy beast has me scream laughing on such rapid fire that I have to pause the effing program and go back.

 If you haven't seen it, the premise is simple enough, they scour the internet for fucked up clips or stupid/funny clips and then he dissects them.  He comes up with names like "Chow Fung Fat Ass" and is deliciously UN P.C....what a relief.  There is no group immune to his ribbing.  They also hunt people down to do skits with them that never fail to deliver.  He can even make my love interest laugh ....hard (The Love interest generally sits stone faced at people that try to be funny or think they are funny)

If only I had an ounce of clever, I would try to do a viewer's video for him.  Or just do something messed up enough on youtube that he would fine me.

I love you Tosh.

Love,
Katie

Red Red Red Red Red Red Redneck

Now I know that I have mentioned before but I'm nuts for Blake Shelton.  

It seems fitting that I bring it up again as I am in London.  I find myself waking up either humming "Boys Around Here" or "Sure Be Cool if You Did".  I also find myself, (saying under my breath as I'm walking around), " red red red red red red red red redneck".  


He makes me want to get with a red red red red redneck. 

Chew tobacco chew tobacco chew tobacco SPIT!

Love,
Katie

Missing the Mark

When you have a film with Dwayne Johnson, Mark Wahlberg and Anthony Mackie together it would seem to be a no brainer.  Pain & Gain was going to be the biggest hit...... HAD to be the best movie ever, right?

Wrong.

You add one little variable...MICHAEL BAY and it becomes a gigantic turd.

The friend I went with literally fell asleep halfway through.  I kept expecting some random cameos by someone like Seth Rogan or Tiffany Riggle's husband.....but no.   

ED HARRIS pops in.  One of the greatest actors of all time and STILL he couldn't polish this turd.

This thing is worse than Pearl Harbor.

How do the studios keep hiring this douche?

I would ask for that 3 hours of my life back.  But I could watch Wahlberg, Johnson, Mackie and Harris all day.

Wait for PPV if you must see this.

Love,
Katie

W.I.T

While I am poking around for a job in Tulsa, I'm not sitting on my hands.  I'm practicing on how to be a perfect wife. 

I've started going to the gym like it is my job.  After the gym, I shop for fresh ingredients to make a delicious and healthy dinner for three.  In my downtime between the grocery store and needing to start dinner, I do the laundry and tidy up the kitchen.

My sister is in heaven.

Everyone needs a wife.

I'm taking applications for husbands....

Love,

Your Wife In Training
Katie

Let Your New Life Begin Call 1-800 GET Thin

Well done Randy....seriously, well done.  I know you were battling diabetes and a bunch of other crap.  You are valid.

The thing that gives me a giggle are all the other actors that do this shit....don't admit it... and play it off as fitness.

Do they really think we don't know?  Everyone knows. 

I encouraged my sister to do it, but she had the integrity to actually get healthy.

Your new life doesn't begin with Lap Band....it begins with being honest and taking care of yourself.

Love,
Katie

You know you're lazy when

...you would happily wear the shirt you wore to school today to bed and then to school again tomorrow.  And repeat that until your mom notices.  This is happening all over my house.  Of the Seven Deadlies, sloth wins over pride 99% of the time for me so maybe this is just a case of apples not falling far.

Love,
Kristen

What the Huck?

It has been a long time since I have had a TV series crush.  Huck played by Guillermo Diaz is full on my new boyfriend.

Watch Scandal.  Fall in love with Huck with me.

You are welcome.

Love,
Katie

p.s. Tony Goldwyn doesn't suck either . Friggin' delicious

Thank God for Ear Buds

Today at the gym I was on that groovy lateral eliptical machine getting my cardio on when these two hens hopped on next to me.  Their constant high pitched chatter made me keep hitting the volume UP button on my shuffle.  I swear I had to have it to effing 11 to drown out those beyatches.

Note to women that do this ( and men as well):  If you can have a full blown conversation in normal phrases, you are NOT working hard enough.  Shut your gob and go up a few levels.  Also, there are people all around you.  Please be mindful. 

That concludes my whine for the day. (note the h, I'm sure there will be more wine)

Love,
Katie

GET A SHOE!

At the CMA's Little Big Town did a song about a shitty marriage.  (How original.)  The thing that really bored me/irritated me were the creepy peter pan dancers.  I wanted to get a shoe and smash them.

SQUISH!  Shut that shit down.

Thank you.

Love,
Katie

p.s. sorry this is so delayed, I had been trying to put that performance out of my mind

What the fup

Now let me just say I will jump on a trend like it's my job but even I can not with this.  High waisted jeans are the killer of everything sexy.  You could be Kate Upton and this still wouldn't work on you.  Because...it makes you look like you have a twelve inch fup!  Forget fashion lets just talk fups.  If you have one, hide it (I do and do).  If you don't, why create one by wrangling into a pair of jeans that squeezes you from your privates to your belly button?  Wait I don't even care about fups anymore because the original problem with high waisters was always the long bottom they give you.  If your jeans start at your waist that is visually where your butt starts.  So that view from the back is like a foot long b crack.  Who wants that?  It's all so horrible.  Are you with me?

Love,
Kristen

Betty Crocker Has a New Name

THE THUG!

To say I adore him would be an understatement.  Please check out his blog.  It's amazing.  Let me give you a taste. No pun intended:

I can not get enough of this.

http://thugkitchen.com/

Love,
Katie

p.s. thanks Jayanta for posting it on facebook so I could enjoy it!

Two Dums Down

What is going on?  Has Jesus come back and I was the only Dum left?!

Everything seems normal.

Love,
Katie
Last Dum Standing

Is That A Model? Nope.....it's Miss Myrtle Manor

Becky Robertson won the hearts and minds of the panel the other night....but I think my series favorite will be this little drag queen:

Roy from Tangulls is a delight.  The only thing that bums me out, is that he isn't in drag ALL the time.  I think I can suffer through this look though:

He still is nicely 'plumped' with a soft face.

I'm not sure how engaged I can get in this series....as I still have episodes of Honey Boo Boo to catch up on.

Let me know what you guys think.

Love,
Katie

Hi! Welcome! Don't Make Us Kill You!

Generally, flying into another country is exciting and fun.  On this occasion, it was mildly terrifying.

Getting ready to land from Dubai to Kuala Lumpur, the flight attendant purred, " Bringing drugs into Malaysia is illegal.  The penalty is Capital Punishment.  Welcome to Kuala Lumpur."

Uh....thanks?  I started sweating just out of the sheer freak show of it.  That....and it's hot as balls in Malaysia.

Thank Goodness I only pop prescription pills.

Bless Dr. Chorley.

Love,
Katie

Say Yes To the Dress .....then File Papers

This show rivals The Bachelor in the ballpark of psychotic twenty-somethings who have no sense of self.

It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end as I listen to some child bride drawl " my ho life, i jus been waitin for this day!"

Really?  You had no other dreams or aspirations?

Then just as I'm about to get totally grossed out I remember that they probably have it right.  Get married at 23, divorced with darling kids and a stipend at 30 and start living!

Well done ladies.  Seems I'm the only dummy on the bus.

Love,
Katie

True words, Paris

I never thought I would say this but when I saw this quote from P. Hilton it all clicked.  I'm so onto my husband.

Grocery shopping:

Me:  What is this?  I meant normal cows milk when I said milk.

Bedtime:

Me:  I didn't know that you didn't know that they need to wear pajamas.

Dishes:

Me:  Um, they are still dirty because when you put that cookie sheet in the water thing can't spin around.

Bills:

Me:  Did you change our password again?  The lady at Chase is asking me what your favorite food is and I don't know if you said seafood or if you tried to throw off all the hackers again with something like "chinese"

Laundry:

Me:  Rags in with the towels?

Just kidding he's never done laundry.

I could never employ this method of avoidance because my self esteem is too wrapped up in my ability to do stupid stuff around the house.  But I respect it.  

Love,

Kristen

London Must Do

If you are in London anytime soon, do not miss The Light Show.
My friend Davie Johnston turned me on to it and it did not disappoint. There are some installations that eff with your mind.  I loved it.

This was super cool.  Made you feel like you were in a tunnel

Thank you Davie.

Love,
Katie

WTF Wednesdays

What is going on here?  Vargas girl head on the body of a pre-pubescent scout with a penchant for S&M?  I don't even know how to process this.  It's like a perverse photoshop job.  Why does she need to be eighteen different gay stereotypes just because she's going to the GLAAD awards?

Love,
Kristen

Oh Kelly

dlisted

What?  Did you think this was a picture from a photo shoot?  Ah, no this is a candid shot captured by a paparazzi who was absolutely not hired by Kelly Bensimon* to take pics of her by the hotel pool in Miami.  How could you even confuse that?  That look in her eyes?  It's not saying I will give you an extra fifty bucks to email these to TMZ as soon as we're done here.  It's saying should I put on spf 50 or is that going overboard?  I wonder what time my flight leaves on Sunday.  I should check.  After a nap.  What's that over there?  Just normal stuff!

Now I'm going to take it in a different direction because there is this.

dlisted

Medically I cannot find any explanation for that.  I obviously wanted it to be a third nipple but it's unlikely.  In any case she doesn't seem to be bothered by it.  Anyone have any personal knowledge of or even textbook reference for that?

Love,

Kristen

* I can just her that conversation. Him:  Nobody is going to want those pictures.  Her:  What if I show my third nipple?  Him:  Already seen it.  Her:  (Sigh) Just come, I will pay for your room at the Delano.

It Puts the Lotion On or it Gets the Hose Again

That phrase comes to mind when I worry about one of my great friends being chained to a radiator in a hole by her husband ( I hope she doesn't end up on Snapped), but it also comes to mind when I go get my spray tan from my new friend in Oklahoma.

The first time I went to Suntanz in Tulsa, I forgot my under garments.  Even in Los Angeles, I had a very special pair of undies I would don for a spray tan.  How and why I forgot them this particular time is a mystery.  I was understandably taken aback when I realized he was the tan artiste.

Him: I'll be doing your spray tan, are you okay with that?

Me: Tell me you are gay.

Him:  I'm SO gay, the owner "outs" me constantly

Me: Let's roll.

Needless to say, I do believe he is my favorite spray tanner EVER.  And when I was concerned about not being darling nude he said:

OH PLEASE! I just had to do a 70 year old woman mostly naked.

Thank God I'll never make it to 70. ( my friend might not either)

Love,
Katie

There Are No Words...IT'S BACK

Dear GAWD!


I just saw a promo announcing that long boob, down syndrome smile is back for another season of Client List.

Seriously?

Sick.

Someone create some programming.

Love,
Katie

p.s. what in the FUCK is that outfit???