How long do you suppose my fame will take?

Just so we are clear, I'm not putting myself down here....I actually CAN do some things.  I was a musical theater major.  I can sort of sing, sort of act , my dancing is super rusty...but I can still bust an occasional move.  But, I think you actually have to focus, work with an on camera agent and audition every day. So, I did the next best thing to achieve fame and notoriety:

Let's see how that goes.

Love,
Katie

p.s. in case you can't read my message to her it says:  Dear Kourtney, I'm wanting to "like" you because i want to be a star too. Can you make that happen?  Thanks. Love, Katie

Good advice

I was texting Katie on the ride home from a long flight from LAX to Newark.  Since she is all hippie now I thought she might have a remedy for my swollen extremities.  She suggested getting my arms and legs above my heart.  This is our text exchange.

Fair enough.

Love,
Kristen

L.A. has no Soul

No Bowl of Soul that is.  (Which is the MOST delicious coffee in the world)

There is one place where one can find a delicious cappuccino. The "Traditional Italian Cappuccino" to be precise.  It's at Urth Cafe.

My only beef with Urth is that it's filled with what makes L.A. so goofy.  It's a place with it's own head so far up it's own bunghole, it has to fart to breathe.

Here is a break down of the clientele: 

*Lots of pseudo moms ( super smug and yet it's more than likely the only hour they see their kids...the rest of the day they pass them to the nanny)
*Lots of hopeful actors
*Lots of fake hipsters (real-ish ones are on the East Side or in NYC)
*Studio musicians who aren't on tour (I'm partial to these folks for obvious reasons)
*Trustafarians

To be fair, I probably have a dash of every one of those bad qualities except the fake mom bit.  So, for all intents and purposes, I belong there.  However,   I'm much more comfortable at Le Pain in Brentwood, but the coffee is certainly not as delicious

Sigh. What's a middle-aged woman to do?

Love,
Katie

A Hippie in the making

As the daughter of a surgeon, I've always been a huge fan of Western medicine.  This doesn't mean I don't dig yoga, or reiki healers, it just means that I'm happy to suck down a z pack if I have phlegm in my throat or a UTI (and of course I dig fake titties, peels and eyelid surgeries). 

After my most recent trip to India, I noticed something pretty dodgy.  My gut was distended all the time, I had been constantly exhausted and no amount of sleep or diet was helping.  Then my boyfriend Dr. Oz did an episode about friggin worms in  your gut.  What the??? GROSS, but I had all the telltale signs.  (no worms were NOT coming out of my brown star)  What did you think this sexy western surgeon suggested?  1000mg of garlic a day, papaya seeds with a tablespoon of honey and a cup of wormwood tea a day. If that isn't a hippie remedy, I don't know what is.  I've been doing it for a week and I swear to teenage Jesus ( I stole that from Kyle Neven) I'm better!

Now that I'm a hippie, I hope my hygiene doesn't go next.  On that note, I'm getting in the shower.

Love,
Katie

CSI boyfriend becomes my maker

Special Victims Unit Indeed!

I love you Christopher Meloni.

Love,
Katie

The unmade head

Two separate people mentioned this concept to me yesterday, about the state of your bed representing the state of your brain parts.  One even included this picture.

Which is awesome.  This is what my bed looks like.

The interesting thing here (not really) is that is not my comforter.  It was on my bed when I got back from LA on Friday and I just haven't taken it off or even attempted to locate my actual comforter.  Does that mean I have a can't be bothered brain?

Love,
Kristen

Dear Espy's, you made me love Denver

With the future:

And your recent past:

You may have turned this hard core Chief into a slobbering Bronco.

Thank you Espy's.

Sorry Kansas City. Girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do.

Love,
Katie

p.s. You know this isn't true.   I'll bleed red and gold forever.

A Dog, the natural Xanex

It's about 100 degrees in NYC right now with about 90% humidity.  When you are walking down the street, it feels like you are breathing in hot blow dryer air.  Juuuuust delightful.  I opted to hop on the subway to get back downtown, and right when I was about to have a full blown panic attack, this little monster appeared:

SHUT UP!  A 4 month old Basenji called Tux.  He is my new subway boyfriend.  Thank you for snorfling me off the ledge sweet Tux.  I love you.

Love,
Katie

Leave it to the professionals, part 3

Every day at my house is like Open Mic Night.  All three of my kids think they are comedians and practice their craft constantly.  It's all nonsense and silliness and the opposite of funny to me.  Here is something you might hear, "You don't even know what sushi tastes like, Chicken.  Are you a chicken?"  "Yeah.  Bok bok bok.  Bok bok bok.  Bok bok bok." Hysterical laughter.  Just ridiculous.

So it was a REAL pleasure to witness Rob Riggle* blow the doors off as the host of the ESPY's last week.  He killed it.  That is how it's done, kids.

Love,

Kristen

*Full disclosure, he is Noodle's husband but I would be a fan anyway.

ESPY's week

Day one of ESPY's week was a lot of this.  Zzzzz.  Yes, I traveled to LA just to get in Katie's bed and stay there for eighteen hours.  Someone (me) had the flu and the full on stress of having it the next day but rallying and having some kind of flu related episode at the actual ESPY's made me want to cry but I was too tired and had the shivers.  Thankfully Katie is a pharmacy and had Tamilflu on hand...

Love,
Kristen

Bocce Ball Season

On Tuesdays, I play bocce ball on the beach.  Our team is called Deboccery.  It's comprised of me aka  "Intoxikatie" and Ashley aka "Smashley".  It's a league where dignity and shame are best left at home.

That year we won a trophy:

I'll let you know how this year goes.

Love,
Katie

Siri: the friend your parents warned you about

My friend Taryn is a great lady.  She is smart, funny, kind-hearted and carries herself with a confident elegance that few possess.  She never speaks poorly of others and I had never heard her curse....until she met Siri.

Since she "upgraded" to Siri, there has been a definite slide in the language.  Last night this came out of her mouth:

"Siri, find me stripclubs"  "Siri find me sluts"  (I think someone told her this was a funny thing to do)

When Siri did not give the desired response, Taryn said, "Siri, you are a fucking bitch". 
When Taryn had calmed down, she told Siri she was "a big disappointment" and Siri responded with, "If you say so"... which ended in Taryn barking "Fuck you Siri".

Best ever.  Don't let your kids hang out with Siri.

Love,
Katie

Celebrity Sunday!

getty images

Brrring.  Brring.

Gwyneth:  Hey B!  What's up?

Beyonce:  Dude, I am freaking out.

G:  Tell  me everything.

B:  OK, so we were out last night with Kanye and Kim K

G:  I saw that!

B:  Anyway she is super pretty.

G:  B, you are a SUPER STAR.  Are you kidding me?  

B:  I don't know why but it freaked me out.  She was so relaxed around us and I felt like she should totally be uncomfortable.  I don't think I even crossed my legs and she totally did.

G:  Honey, she is comfortable because she is trash.  She would sell her soul to be you.  

B:  I love you.

G:  I love you more.

Love,

Kristen

Where were you?

This is what Dum (Kristen) just said to me:

"Um, did you not hear?  I had Lupus

....and where were you?  Having a couples massage?"

Um....yes.

Sorry I wasn't there for you Dum, but so glad you beat it while I was relaxing.

Love,
Katie

The gift that keeps on giving

Recently an itchy rash* exploded all over my face (just in time for the ESPY's!) and I was texting my friend about it.

I don't know if it's all grief related or if twenty twelve just hates me.

Love,
Kristen

*BTW, and good to know, sometimes it's not eczema and self diagnosing/treating with steroid creams for a few months makes it worse.  Always check with your doctor!  Thankfully I am now on Tetracycline, which makes you sun sensitive, for the next three hottest months of the year.

WTF Wednesdays: Cannibals

A few weeks ago my husband told me that some guy was shot and killed by Miami police while eating another mans face on the side of the road.  The hungry one was naked, the dinner was passed out.  That is all.

Love,
Kristen

TomKat went splat

Dear Tom and Katie, Thanks for crushing my dreams of creepy, fake love that can last forever. I thought you were different. I thought Scientology and couch jumping would make it all real. You are dead to me. Love, Tiffany

Dear Katie, Kudos to you for keeping that going for five years!  Do you have to keep Suri or can you give her back like Nicole?  Cause she seems like kind of a pain in the ass.  Love, Kristen

Dear Everyone,  No one has to give anyone back as Tom has never fathered a child. Why? Because he doesn't like to put his Wee Willy Winky in lady's bits.  However, if he is looking for a new beard, I'm up for the job if he'll make me a movie star.  Love, Katie