At 5 am I heard someone enter our house. Then I heard a kitchen drawer open (the knife drawer obviously). Heart pounding, I went down the stairs to find... my husband (who had left 30 minutes earlier for work) in the kitchen.
Me: "What the what?!"
Him: "My ride didn't come."
Me: "Oh (long breath-regulating pause). What are you going to do?"
Him: "Have a cup of coffee..?"
Me: "My neck hurts. Do you think it's meningitis?"
Him: Blank stare. Sad head shake.
See, that's what you get when you encounter me at 5 am.