It Puts the Lotion On or it Gets the Hose Again

That phrase comes to mind when I worry about one of my great friends being chained to a radiator in a hole by her husband ( I hope she doesn't end up on Snapped), but it also comes to mind when I go get my spray tan from my new friend in Oklahoma.

The first time I went to Suntanz in Tulsa, I forgot my under garments.  Even in Los Angeles, I had a very special pair of undies I would don for a spray tan.  How and why I forgot them this particular time is a mystery.  I was understandably taken aback when I realized he was the tan artiste.

Him: I'll be doing your spray tan, are you okay with that?

Me: Tell me you are gay.

Him:  I'm SO gay, the owner "outs" me constantly

Me: Let's roll.

Needless to say, I do believe he is my favorite spray tanner EVER.  And when I was concerned about not being darling nude he said:

OH PLEASE! I just had to do a 70 year old woman mostly naked.

Thank God I'll never make it to 70. ( my friend might not either)

Love,
Katie

There Are No Words...IT'S BACK

Dear GAWD!


I just saw a promo announcing that long boob, down syndrome smile is back for another season of Client List.

Seriously?

Sick.

Someone create some programming.

Love,
Katie

p.s. what in the FUCK is that outfit???

You Know You Are a Quitter When....

....you watch this.

If you are still tuning into this lipless wonder, pack it in, you are done with life.

Love,
Katie

It's Called Inspiration

Victor Clore of the Oklahoma Defenders

After a recent accidental viewing of my backside while trying on a pair of pants, I vowed to get back in shape.  This started with me buying and preparing fresh food, and eventually going back to the gym.

I used to love going to the gym.  In a sense, it was an addiction.  Then something happened....I got happy.  I count on being generally discontent and constantly looking for a better life to keep me thin and motivated.  The second I get cozy I become like a creepy disgusting cat....or Dolly.  I just eat tons of food, sleep better and longer and just hang out. (I know that sounds like depression, but it's actually the opposite for me)

ANYWAY, I finally signed up for my "one on one" training session at Lifetime, and I was assigned Victor.  Um, seriously?  My heart rate was at least a zone 1 (145) just standing next to him.  He is a friggin' God.  In my pathetic effort to not seem totally atrophied and cellulite riddled, I pushed as hard as I could.  He was not impressed and when I got home, I literally hit my knees at the porcelain alter.

I'm hellbent on redeeming myself.

Watch out Victor, I'll be back for another session after I regain some muscle in my sad sticks.

You'll be sorry.  Or wait, I will.

Love,
Katie

I'm THO THLEEPY

It used to seem like an awesome thing to be a vampire.  With the sex bombs on "True Blood", I would let Eric Northman "turn" me in a New York minute!  But while watching "Twilight Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2"... it really hit home that those vampires don't sleep.  The idea of the on and on-ness of it exhausted me. I mean come on, EVERY single day for all eternity with no shut eye?  That sounds like living hell.  The one I'm actually already in. (except for the not aging part)

These creatures need some Vambien. 

I love you Bill, Eric and Edward, but I love my sleep more.  Call me when you get your prescriptions. 

Love,
Katie

Speaking of Canadian tuxedos

Sure, I think it's super dorky for a dude to wear head to toe denim (now that I'm not dating said dude) and I will be the first to heckle any of my man people if they do so but something weird happened to me this winter.  This became and remains my go to outfit.  Yes, it resembles prison garb!  I don't know what you want me to say I just keep putting this on and calling it a day.

Love,
Kristen

You Didn't Have to Cut Me Off....or Maybe You Did

When i watch this video, I feel like I need to take a Shower. 

This happens for a number of reasons.

Firstly, it's because the only time I've ever watched it has been on the treadmill or the eliptical at Lifetime.(sweating profusely)   Secondly, because it used to remind me of a good friend...now it's just annoying.

Why does this video give me the creeps so much?  Is it the pasty ass foot at the beginning that pans up to the sparsley-haired leg?  Or the weird nipple shot?  What is it?  There are so many things,  I can't put my finger on just one. As if I didn't have enough reasons....when I searched google images of "Gotye you didn't have to cut me off" this came up:

Long and short, the video ruined the song for me.  I can't associate it with my friend anymore because of the creepy, pasty nipple, the bad teeth and the google image above.  Ugh.

I'm going to have to cut myself off from Gotye.  Let me know when you put some clothes on.

Thanks.

Love,
Katie