I am Friday night drunk dialing all of you right now

Sometimes, people have martinis.

The fact that I could type that last sentence is a friggin miracle of baby Jesus.  For the Catholics, this makes sense ( i had to type and re-type that ... maybe Jesus isn't down with the Catholics )  Anyhoooooo

On a Friday night people are generally hooping, hollering and having a giggle.  I'm flying Hans Solo with my fat ass dog and hope that something decent is taped on my DVR.  Yay me.

Signed Hopeless, Party of one ( i had to re type that four times....i love you gin)
kkm

(i hit jjm....and re did it)

p.s. sadly the only one taking advantage of me is dolly...her farts have burned off my eyebrows

love
kt

Ask Superdum: The Swimsuit Edition

Dear Superdum,

What are you guys wearing to the beach this summer?

Love,
C

Dear C,

This is a complicated issue for me.  I love bikinis but understand that at a certain age one must consider the experience of the other beach goers and cover that up.  Am I at that age?  Most likely.  Will I be wearing a one piece?  Absolutely not.  Here's what I'm going with.  Top:

Bottoms:

Both from Malia Mills

I will also be dusting off my kettlebell and trying to follow the 4 Hour Body guidelines, shaving more regularly, spray tanning all of it and wearing a cover-up.  So, I'm sorry about the bikini beach club friends but let's all try to make the best of it.

Love,
Kristen
________________________________

Dear C,

Being that my ass and legs are horrifying (legs are short and I have cellulite)....those boy shorts pictured above, I would not be caught dead in. I opt for a string tie to lengthen my stumps.

Luli Fama bottoms

Also, my only redeeming qualities are my stomach and my fake boobs.  So, I have to capitalize on those.  If anything I will constantly wear a sarong.

Love,
Katie
                                                                                            


Dear C,

My newest age-inappropriate bikini:

However, one would have to have bionic x-ray eyes to actually see me in it.  At any given time, Malibu beaches are the climate equivalent of the Hamptons in March.   So look for this gorgeous swan (bikini) to be fully covered by its ugly duckling (sweatshirt and cargo pants).

Love,
Tiffany

Who moved my cheese?

Last weekend I came home to a dog bed and a shag carpet riddled with dog poo poo pants.  The bad kind.  The door was completely open to the garden, which means she was legitimately sick. Dolly has been with me for over 12 years (she is over 13) and she has never had an accident...clearly I was worried.

After a trip to the vet, an x-ray, ultrasound and a lot of poking a prodding, it was determined she had gotten into something.

Um, YA THINK???

Anyway, we are 3 days into antibiotics, probiotics changing over her food and getting back on her "poo feet".  So what do I come home to today?  She has removed a BLOCK of gruyere out of the trash can,(I cleaned out my fridge) unwrapped it and consumed the whole thing.

Should I just cover the entire place in plastic sheeting?

Oh dear.

Love,
Katie

WTF Wednesdays

Well it is hump day.

Love,
Kristen

This is my rifle this is my gun

Um, Mike....I went to high school with you, and I don't remember this guy.  This is friggin' AWESOME. 

On Full Metal Joust, these guys eff each other up, for real.  Jousting is something we've all seen at Medieval Times  whilst wasted doing un-speakables in the bathroom amongst a gaggle of children (trying not to vom when you smell the horse poo and kid puke), this is not that.  During one joust,some guy lost his nuts.  And then a different guy got rammed in the bits, but kept them. Mike is clearly made of steel, as he was hit, knocked off then hit again and didn't even seem phased. (pissed, but not phased) He then, got off the horse and was gracious.

Mike, here is to keeping your nuts and tanning someone's hide. (and please be nice to the horses)

Love,
Katie

Healthy sick is the new skinny fat

When I was in high school my friends and I used the term "skinny fat" to describe someone who was slim but had low muscle tone.  Like, yes they are thin but not exactly "fit".  Another little opposite trend I have been picking up on is the "healthy sick".  The ones who are vegan and hypoallergenic and paraben free but always seem to have a sinus infection.

My sister Megan is the healthiest person on the planet.  She is an Ayurvedic practitioner.  She drinks chai seeds.  She eats raw garlic and ginger.  And yet she gets sick.  A lot.  What is up with that?  I have been sick maybe three times since my eight year old was born.  And I don't really take care of myself.  So my question is how can someone like me stay relatively healthy* while someone like Megan gets every virus that is scooting around Santa Monica?

Love,
Kristen

*Now let's all knock on something resembling** wood because on top of being a hypochondriac I am also superstitious.  I might as well get my z-pak script filled right now.

** I am not remotely Type A or I would have asked that you only knock on actual wood.

Mind Your Manners Mondays: man slaughter, the ultimate faux pas

Sometimes, when you want to live, you don't pull out in front of a speeding car.  The other day a Yukon crossed my path as I was traveling at 40 mph. I had to break hard to avoid hitting him. I was shaking for a good ten minutes. As he went by he looked at me, but his eyes were dead. There was no, "Whoops!  Sorry, that was a bad call!"  Or, "You're right I totally misjudged that!"  Please take your suicidal tendencies out in the safety of your own home and let those of us who choose life get on with it.

Love,
Kristen